We Are 138: "9 Dead"...We Wish

It is good to know that there are cerebral films being made that require nil in terms of special effects, gore, or action. That statement is more of a comment about the principle that we can film 90 minutes of people talking because if you do not have gore and actions, you have to present a brilliant story. Brilliance and Melissa Joan Hart are two terms that will never star in a film together. (Finding out how proud she was to be involved with "God's Not Dead 2" solidifies that as fact.)

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Nine people have been kidnapped by a rogue, taser-toting Blue Man Group member. They all regain consciousness in a windowless room, each handcuffed to a pole. The pissed off Smurf introduces them to his game and provides the rules.

The nine victims have 10 minutes to determine the reason why they have been imprisoned together. If they figure it out, they will all go free and their captor will confess his crimes to the police. Failure to determine the reason will result in one of them being killed, but they will receive another 10 minutes to find out what they have in common. This process will continue until they solve the puzzle or there are no more players left.

SPOILER ALERT: The movie clocks in at 98 minutes. If you take into account the first act and time between intervals, you know at least a couple will figure this game out. Especially when the French version is only 83 minutes long.

"Nine Dead" is definitely the most anticlimactic torture flick. Unless you want to classify it as noir (Please spare that genre.), it can only be associated with the "Saws", "Hostels" and gruesome foreign fare, at least that is how it seems to have been advertised. It fails to realize the pay offs to an execution need to be awesome or unique kills. So after one guy's squib blows up over his shirt, the film just becomes boring.

If we had dynamic characters or performances, we may root for someone's survival. Because we do not want any of them to survive, the movie drags as we wait for someone to take a round above the waist.

The story itself is way too simple and linear. Throughout the tale, characters keep asking each other to stay on track. This screenwriter, Patrick Wehe Mahoney, must not have understood "Saw", "Se7en"  or "Revenge of the Sith" because for a story like this to work, the scheme has to have a larger scale. Otherwise, you do not empathize with the villain. You wind up thinking he is just a petty asshole.

As for directing and editing, this is on par with junior college first assignments. Since Chris Shadley has been in pictures for six years, the direction is inexcusable when you are working with just one set.

"Nine Dead" shows us that despite Rob Van Dam and Dave Bautista's best efforts, Baton Rouge is not the new Hollywood of the east. Shadley's film is part of a genre that is dependent on shocking the audience, but there are no thrills to be seen. The film promised the emotional destruction of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Everyone want to see that, but thankfully, no distributor picked up this damn near criminal let down.

IMDB.com - 9 Dead