Who to curse today:
- The American culture of traveling youth summer sports?
- The Champaign and/or Urbana Chamber(s) of Commerce?
- The hotel's owners sending someone to see if we are staying on our feet and off our phones?
- Well, the fucking parent who just whipped out the acoustic guitar for starts.
Is it that we have to live with our neighbors the reason why kids younger than twelve have to travel to play baseball? I am not an advocate for AAU ball, but at least you know those kids are trying to physically earn a discounted education. Kids that lack teen in their age, can they be focused enough? Do they care about being better than anyone else in the state?
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I have not eaten anything today. Might be a wise thing to stick to. It is that or eat healthy.
My body is finally rebelling against me for a 24-hour Wednesday. 15 hours of sleep over three days, so I am overdue. The soul is willing, but the body is week. Despite the lack of stomach content, the back end is emptying and I think a popcorn hull in my gum ruptured something in there.
You might not dig my satire pieces, but you gotta respect my movie reviews. Popcorn abscess to watch a dry Milla Jovovich movie, please honor my sacrifice.
Survivor - A Title You Earn from Watching This
If you followed this blog, you know I will check out any Milla Jovovich film that did not seem to get a wide release. It is probably just an old crush from my sophomore year (better her that Chun Li from "Street Fighter 2: The World Warrior" right?), so I get protective of her when she is used in mainstream films. She is kind of an oddball, which is her charm, and how many directors know how to use that? I would rather she stick to films that will be lost before they make the Best Buy $3.99 bin than see her in a theater.
When I saw the cover for "Survivor", Pierce Brosnan scared me off. This guy was James Bond who earned a little more respect than Alice from "Resident Evil". Could Brosnan be as evil as his W. Bush adjacent character in "The Ghost Writer" without a wide audience to appeal to? It was not a drama like "Stone" where I am not expecting Edward Norton or Robert de Niro to kick ass, so this title just seemed like it was going to be all cliches and nothing noteworthy let alone possibly groundbreaking (like "Stone" attempted for Jovovich). And of course, I was right.
After a new update to the immigration paperwork, buying US work visas on the black market is next to impossible. Kate Abbot has been called to America's London embassy to assure that they will not be issuing new visas to potential terrorists. Some think she is being too harsh on applicants with compressed gas knowledge and the British authorities think she lacks compassion toward innocent, widowed physicians like Emil Balan.
Balan seems to be one to hold a grudge as he brought his frustrations up to a shadowy figure in a high tower to fix this issue. The evil one decides to assign the task of cutting through the red tape to The Watchmaker. His title is a front, but he does like to tinker with precise gadgets, like the bomb he uses to wipe out those in Abbot's chain of command. Kate was supposed to join them, but is only wounded in the blast.
The Watchmaker has never been identified, so Abbot is a hindrance that needs to be eliminated. Not knowing that she is running from an assassin, British police and her superiors are suspecting she may be involved in the bombing. It is up to her and her new keeper, Sam Parker, to find out the conspiracy before her diplomatic immunity will be revoked, perhaps permanently.
This week, I was able to check out Rifftrax's presentation of "Star Raiders: The Adventures of Saber Raine", so when "Survivor" opens with similar special effects, you suspect trouble. Fortunately, the effects only come out at night. 4K HDR may be bad for them, but most viewers will ignore this issue. James McTeigue is a clever enough director to make up for this short coming, but sadly the dull script cannot be saved.
If you cast Lelu from "The Fifth Element" in an action movie, you expect her to be a supreme being and kick ass. She is constantly on the run and shows no physicality until the third act. Brosnan is either James Bond or arrogant to his own shortcomings. Either way clever. There are no quips in the entire film.
"Survivor" is a game of cat an mouse, but neither animal has any obstacles to truly overcome. There are hardly and twists and the rare side stories are immediately abandoned. That is disappointing because that may actually give you a character with motivations towards their decision. I think McTeigue knew he was stuck with a bad film and just wanted to get the audience through it as quickly as possible.
There is nothing clever, crazy or comedic to make for a good PG-13 rated action flick and there is nothing extremely stupid to laugh your way through it. This is background noise that you may accidentally rewatch because it lacks anything memorable in it. A waste of time and talent, I might ask Netflix for the $0.02 "Survivor" took from me.
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