*The first draft of this review was written back in 2010, when Suicide Girls had physical media distributed. I have not spent the seemingly reasonable subscription fee, thus anything inferred or implied may be out of date.

Suicide Girls Must Die!: Better Than Cinemax, But Not Troma

Agree or disagree with their unconventional concept of beauty, whatever the Suicide Girls do with their digital photography website, they do well. They go out of their way to capture their inspirations for their shoots, and they do their best to make their models appear to be at the same level of their audience. Being nerdcentric is part of the charm.

It is safe to assume that if they wanted to produce a B-movie horror feature, it should be worthwhile. As long at their production for "Suicide Girls Must Die!" was provided a script, what could go wrong?

Fifteen Suicide Girls head to a secluded lake house in Maine to shoot a calendar. The area is so remote that sea planes are the best means to reach it. With the large amount of alcohol and lesbian petting going on, horror movie tropes deem that one or two of the girls will wander off. But when this party starts losing a girl every six hours and the only other people they can call for help are puritanical stereotypes, these ladies may not make it to the wrap party.

"Suicide Girls Must Die!" attempts to be the first reality-based (as in Reality TV) horror film. Director Sawa Suicide (Sarah Remetch) has a vision so it could have worked. The issue being the script does not know how B-movies work and the cast needs to at least convey that they have some community theater experience to make it work.

You cannot be too harsh about the acting since these are models and it is a B-movie. I do not know if there was an acting coach (or if that is even a credited job), but IMDb does not list one. Someone is always the villain on a reality show and none of the performers take the initiative to portray that. For a Riot Grrrl attitude to rule, not everyone can be a victim.

Again, you cannot be overly harsh about the lack of acting because no villain is written into the script.

Even if the premise of the film is that the disappearances and murders are a hoax, evil needs a face like a retarded redneck, a sexy girl, a Bible-beating cop, etc. To make a hoax seem realistic, you may not be allowed to have a known or suspected antagonist. But we know with the "Suicide Girl" name in the title, this is not a documentary. Realism needs to take a backseat.

And realism is suppose to take a backseat to equal parts of gore and nudity. Instead, the film documents every photo shoot which stops any narrative dead in its tracks. I will not deny that the shoots are near awesome, but since there is no story to return to, the movie gets old real fast.

What should counter the nudity is violence, and with the box art, title, and geek influences of their product, I was expecting a tribute to the giallo of Mario Bava and Dario Argento. There is absolutely no brutality, so it turns out to nothing more than ghost hunters with boobs.

With a title with the words "Must Die!", we are not looking for bare boobs. We want them soaked with blood.

"Suicide Girls Must Die!" was a clever concept, but if it was not for the crew's talent to masterfully capture the female form, it would be a waste of time. The finished product lacks an understanding of what it was suppose to be. This leaves it as an excellent softcore porn instead of a great indie flick.

Suicide Girls Must Die! (2010): IMDb