If it does not involve pro-wrestling, this is Russ Stevens's effort to create the one stop blog for movies that are cut to the ideal run-time, 90 minutes. This blog may feature films that may range from 71 minutes to 1 hour 40 minutes, but 101 minutes and up are too long. An hour and a half can justify cutting a film into two chapters and a book into three. Hobbits and Katniss have too many ending, consider this an effort to stop that.
76-Minutes DVD - "When Evil Calls", It Is Misleading.
Lionsgate cannot appropriately promote a Winstone Sister DVD. Ray should have a word with them.
Jaime's "Cravings" is not about vampires and Lois's "When Evil Calls" is not a Japanese, paranormal horror knock off. It is definitely not a full-length feature. Was this distributor trying to come off as trashy as the lesser Family Video DVD providers? Trash is what was rented when "The Dark Knight" was checked out. That is a sideways move.
Samantha is the headmaster's daughter at her high school, and she just wants to be popular. After the wicked popular girl Kirsty stomps on her cell phone, Sam cannot stand the torment any longer. Fortunately, a demonic clown arrives to repair her phone and make her an offer. She will be granted one wish as long as she texts the same offer to two friends.
Her desperation leads her to wish to become the most popular girl in school, cost be damned. And all goes well for her. But for those who continue to pass the text messages along to their friends, they soon find out that one must be careful for what they wish for.
I rented "When Evil Call" because of its ensemble cast. Sean Pertwee ("Dog Soldiers", "Event Horizon", "Formula 51"), Chris Barrie (Rimmer from "Red Dwarf"), and Dominique Pinon ("The City of Lost Children", "Alien Resurrection") being billed lead me to believe it would overcome any Asian horror influence. Thankfully, "When Evil Calls" is a British comedy. This may clash with the horror elements because dry humor and gore are not something you would immediately associate with slapstick.
This series of stories was conceived as the first horror series for mobile phones. I suppose Jeffrey Katzenberg failed to research this series when coming up with Quibi. Obviously this was not going to translate well to DVD in terms of effects and direction quality. The director Johannes Robert wisely uses an over-the-top Pertwee to hold the stories together. Barrie and Pinon make sure the audience is supposed to laugh and not expect to be scared.
"When Evil Calls" maybe a let down for a fan of mass produced horror, but if you are into "Monty Python Lite" humor, it serves as a nice retreat to celebrate the ridiculous nature of the genre. Gore of "Holy Grail's" levels with the appropriately silly violence, this series is not meant to be taken too seriously. Too bad the story about how one arrives at this title is more memorable than the series itself.
"Vicky Christina Barcelona": Just One More Flick Before I Reassess Woody Allen
*Blog post was started on July 9, 2021.
And I should say maybe two after the trailer for Ewan McGregor's collaboration with the auteur was shown before this DVD's feature began. "Trainspotting" is my favorite movie. How much resistance do you expect from me?
It seems like a good point to dive into the review or inevitable "need" to see "Allen v. Farrow", but this is a personal blog and I only get two to three minutes to talk about myself before an episode of "NinetyForChill - The Podcast", provided I do not fuck up the recording. This week will have the "Spaceballs" content I have been promising and it will allow me to figure out my worth as a producer.
I still cannot help but feel bad though that it took a multi-time zone podcast to find out my amateur status. And then of course, the guilt I have to deal with when you send a text message to the guest declaring the episode lost. Jessica Kwazz from "Second Chance Movies" has still been liking and sharing my promotional tweets, but I cannot help but worry if I offended a great guest with a text message. If Mitchell Whitt holds a grudge over a Facebook post promoting "Morbidly Macabre", can I be blamed for a wee bit of paranoia over the impersonal nature of text messaging? Of course, Jessica was a great guest, Mitchell...
There are other items to be paranoid about (That is mentioned in the blog post's title.), but we will work towards that. Was life a lot easier before text messaging and leaving comments? Communication probably was since you could gauge what the other person was saying by how they said it. But that requires confidence in terms of speaking. That is something I did not acquire until I entered professional wrestling. And, I have to acknowledge, that was and is perhaps still something I struggle with. Fortunately for me, there have been few times in the past 15 years that I needed to write that well-worded note with a thorough argument to state my position. In other words, dealing with those who can (or at least think) out talk me has not been an issue.
The nickname that my best friend (who is lacking fur) bestowed to me explains how people see me. Harshside screams impersonal. People do not seem to like to hear things as they are without an immediate chance to argue them. They especially dislike the people the people who deliver such messages. It is so much easier for 75 million America to cheer on the guy who loudly and simply tells them to blame the messenger. If only there were more elegant harsh people.
In other words, this country really needs to start focusing on the arts. I know it is Un-American to take a page out of the Old World's playbook, but lets get to the point where we are not encouraging the subpar with sports aspirations are not at the top level come high school. If there is one of the undisputed wrong things my parents did, it was allowing me to keep playing baseball when my arms were designed for softball. It is pretty much known that the lessons gained through speech and acting courses can help you more in the real world than being one with aspirations of bringing football home.
And this would help the professional wrestling business. Those who still like to keep their bodies in peak form (and appreciate a bit of the ultra-violence) will have a robust skill set.
But more importantly, we would have more creators and artists (like the fictional ones in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"). This means we will have more people to learn from. That means we will not have to "reluctantly" watch features written and directed by Woody Allen as inspiration for brilliant dialogue and characters that the creators seems to know oh so well.
Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
Vicky is completing her masters in Catalonian culture after developing a love for the architecture of Gaudi. This should be easy to complete after her aunt and uncle who live in Barcelona invite her to stay the summer at their home. To assure that she will have someone who speaks English, her impulsive and bohemian best friend Cristina is invited as well.
When you compare the two friends, their wants are the complete opposite. Vicky has a well-off fiance back in New York. Her life maybe paint by numbers, but she is happy. Cristina on the other hand wants to express herself but does not know the means and does not know who can love and appreciate her for that. This may change after they are invited by the charismatic Spanish painter Juan Antonio to fly to the island of Oviedo for sight-seeing and passion.
Cristina can not be told no when it comes to an impromptu adventures, so Vicky reluctantly joins her to, in essence, protect her from a strange artist who is best known for the exploits of his fiery and violent marriage to the beautiful Maria Elena. The stories and sites are fun, but Vicky is keeping her distance. Unfortunately, her best friend's ulcer flares up and leaves Juan Antonio to entertain her for the remainder of the weekend. The Spaniard's charms get the best of her, but at best, a possible fling can only last to the end of the summer.
Everything seems to be fine after this weekend, but destiny decides to throw some variables their way. Cristina and Juan Antonio seem content shacking up together, but having failed to make a name for herself in Madrid, a volatile and suicidal Maria Elena returns to stay at their home. Vicky's life receives and upheaval when her fiance decides that they should get married in Barcelona. Our two protagonists have suddenly found themselves stuck in lives revolving around passion. Is this something they will embrace or will they just presume it is too good to be true.
"Vicky Cristina Barcelona" feels like a fish out of water version of "Annie Hall" which I would consider to be a great compliment. The performances are masterful and Allen delivers on dialogue and scenarios. There are mad cap elements that are quite reminiscent of early 70's work while maintaining the yearning for escapism that all of his post-Oscar features center around. This is a Woody Allen film for Woody Allen fans.
With this being a film for his fans, they are the audience that will be comfortable with the same story being told over and over again. The story feels relatable and grounded in reality, so fans, like myself, will find themselves open to all the ideas being expressed. We will also find ourselves accepting that reality eventually shows back up, but it only makes us further enjoy the escape.
If you are not in love with Allen's ability as a wordsmith, after 30 years since his transition to a sense of seriousness, this may come across as pretentious. And I cannot say that those who think that are wrong. Everyone of his features seems like a veil allegory of his life. He changes the scenarios, but they all follow the same formula. For me, as a struggling artist looking for a voice, Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz tell a story that I love and see myself wanting to be a part of.
Perhaps Rebecca Hall's Vicky is Allen expressing how his detractors yearn for the freedom the artists have instead of security. Allen is telling them they want something different and they will regret not pursuing it. Sadly, with all the questions and hearsay surrounding his life, he may not be in a position to tell us that. Involving cleverly shot sex scenes and gun play are not going to make them look pass his alleged indiscretions and their judgements. I will credit Allen for trying to use those elements in that way. Maybe I will reclaim them in a rewrite for my z-budget, pro-wrestling, zom-com "Main Event of the Dead" (Please send any requests for a script treatment or advice on how to advance the production of this feature to russthebus07@gmail.com.). If you give this feature a chance, you will understand how the art of the deranged mind can greatly influence those who appreciate it.
"Vicky Cristina Barcelona" may have been told tens of times previously by Woody Allen, but his cast and script make this experience a worthwhile one. If we watch reboots by directors who are trying to tell someones else's story, why not watch a re-imagining directly from the source. This indicates that you have to love Allen's scripts and the playfulness that he always brings. Any prejudice towards him or apparent lack of originality may spoil a viewing of this for you.
This is a fun vampire flick, but it shows the limitations of John Carpenter. His direction seems stretched by the quest elements of the tale and without one of his go to actors in the lead, it loses some of the feeling his classics have. He was best in the mid 80’s leaning in to his regulars. I wish he would be more insistent on doing that. Still, the FUN is there and James Wood is great. On to Bon Jovi taking over the franchise.
I suppose I am stretching out the weekend technically. This was probably watched on Wednesday, but I am in the midst of a 13-day stretch between both jobs, so time is kind of lost on me. "John Carpenter's Vampires" is almost an appropriate place to start as I am trying to use meal replacement shakes for 50% of my meals (I skip breakfast, unless I wake up before the alarm. Wendy's is killing it.). Sucking the blood out of someone felt like a reasonable means of recovering from the lack of sleep that "Cyberpunk 2077" led to.
It did not help when a coworker goes home because they were not feeling well. I work for a big box store, so you know they have COVID-19 protocols for their employees. If you passed the screening for the day, you got to work your shift. The argument can be made that it is flu season so not everything is corona virus. How you can suddenly change symptoms in two hours is my counter to that?
Fuck food poisoning. That is why I skip breakfast. I need to make the proletariat look good.
When my manager asked me to stay an extra hour (We could not get rid of the customers till a half hour after the Semisonic moment.), it seemed like the ill-feeling one was not a full-time employee. This means they did not have any time to use to make up the lost wages. If your lungs have not been overtaken by the pandemic, that really is the only reason to leave a job early. Use the sick time or lose the sick time. I can understand that proposition.
But on the flip side, at my bank job, we have one employee who uses the time that has been allocated to them while the coworker who should get more than six days of paternity leave cannot use his sick time to spend more time with his child and the kid's worn out mom. Should I rant about the corporate structure (Thank the gods that there is not really any right-leaning charities in Champaign. I would be judged for not participating in casual days for charity because of the not-for-profits that dominate the rest of Downstate Illinois [Christian pregnancy support groups, United Way, etc.].), or management at this location for not covering for the most senior banker here:?
If wanting to drain the employee who left with two opening to closing shifts is the only drama I have right now, things are pretty good. There was some hesitation about reviewing two James Woods movies because of the conservative moron he has become (I wanted to see the Democratic Party be destroyed after the Clinton impeachment trial, but I was an 18 year-old Mortonite. With experience, I learned who the bad guys truly are.), but everyone knows that the works of great directors should take precedence over the whom the producer believes will put butts in seats. Maybe this double-feature will let me get over my reservations and buy the Hades from "Hercules" Funko Pop. You cannot have Zeus without the douche.
And that reminds me, we need to bust our asses to get Tiny Lister into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. We must influence WWE programming some how. The WWE video arena must be conquered. Death to the McMahon family's Videodrome. Long with the new flesh.
Four hours and 10 minutes left in the shift and I foolishly thought writing a movie review would get me through the rest of the day. Stimulus fever seemingly lasted for 48 hours. If you got they got their check, they cashed it out before the government knew it was gone. That had been the only story in the news, so I am back to needing to blog on and on and on.
I do have to thank the heroes at Netflix DVD.com warehouses. It is great to have the assurance that I will not pay an extra $2 to see a Rutger Hauer movie that has yet to be converted to HD.
Of course, people are surprised when they find out that I still have a DVD-rental subscription service. I may have just overblown the noble nature of this essential job. Are they having any issues social distancing in those distribution centers if 1 in 22,500 (population of Champaign divided by two) are requesting discs via mail?
I should not mock them when there are plenty of assholes who troll people just to say "Fuck you! Your wrong!" on Twitter and Facebook. They are just trying to survive, like Ice T in Ernest Dickerson's follow up to "Juice" (Please pardon that tacky transition.).
Surviving the Game - Why Can't F. Murray Abraham be Properly Billed?
Jack Mason has been down on his luck since his family died. He is homeless and both of his best friends have just joined his family. Wanting to take control of some aspect of his life, walking into an oncoming Peterbilt seemed to be a wise decision. Serendipitously, a volunteer at a food bank pushes him out of the way in time. This man wants to give Mason a reason to keep on living, so he directs him to Thomas Burn of Hell's Canyon Outfitters. Mason being able to survive the concrete jungle, surely he can be shaped into a hunting guide in the Pacific Northwest. At least, that is what Burns is selling him.
After an evening of libations with the psychiatrist, oil baron, and stock broker and son that he is to lead on a hunt, Burns and the good Samaritan awaken Mason with a .45 caliber pistol pressed against his temple. Mason will be leading these men out on a hunting trip, he just did not realize that he is the hunted. The hunters do give him a head start to get to civilization as they partake in a hardy lunch, but Mason quickly determines the best thing to do is to turn this anger management retreat back on his pursuers. Who is meant to survive this most dangerous of games?
As a child of the eighties, for some reason I think I was made aware of Richard Connell's short story "The Most Dangerous Game" during one of my lit or language arts classes in high school. Perhaps my overread sister told me about it. Maybe I was familiar with the concept because of Arnold Schwarzenegger films ("Predator", "The Running Man"). Regardless of how I was introduced to hunting man for sport, Ice T as a movie star was not going to sell me on checking out "Surviving the Game" when there were Jean-Claude Van Damme and action films with Keith David to watch.
Fortunately, HBO is free for a year with most cable TV packages, and it needed content. It is always easier to run ninety minute features when you are a programmer, so their Newline subsidiary came through with this stacked cast (It is short of a shame that F. Murray Abraham is never the true antagonist.). I am just curious how the studio were able to get this cast in the early 90's, a time when they were not known for trying.
And that is what you get from this feature, a lack of effort from those handling the money. Was it a subliminal message? You will cheer for Ice T killing off the one percentile because they are not trying to help amuse you thoroughly.
The generic and overdone soundtrack style and John C. McGinley's presence gave me a flashback to "Highlander 2: The Quickening". There are very few opportunities for the accomplished cinematographer to shine as a director. If you are a fan of "The Walking Dead" (There are just too many episodes in my opinion.) you can see what Dickerson had taken away from this film which is good, because otherwise you feel this is just a quickly produced knock off of John Woo's "Hard Target".
It is a tough task to approach a concept (JVCD versus Hunters led by Lance Henriksen) that Woo had tackled, but the action in "Surviving the Game" holds up pretty well. If "Judo" Gene LeBell is on your stunt team, the hand-to-hand will look intense. Even with that style of combat, you cannot compete with a Woo's film set pieces, so the script wisely takes time to focus on each antagonist.
All of the performers deliver when it comes to their roles with the exception of Ice T. In Ice T's defense, we want him to be Ice T. As long as he does that, you cannot be dissatisfied. Because the supporting cast delivers, you do invest in their plights as well. It is enough to make for a fun way to kill 90 minutes, and you do not have to worry about loud explosions to bother the neighbors.
"Surviving the Game" is a fun action flick that which makes me miss the time where live TV was all there was. This is a fun way to kill 90-minutes or at least serves as great ambience noise wise. Seeking out a quick take on John Woo is not something that most will partake in, but if it pops up on Tubi or Pluto, it might be that throwback you need in the time of pandemics.
WarnerBros - Blade Runner
90-Min Family Video - Laid to Rest: Sloppy in a Good Way
A masked killer(s) maybe the lamest premise for a horror film. If not the lamest, that the simplest and most over done. But, as long as the violence is over the top, the feature has potential. No matter how crappy the editing, a film like "Laid to Rest" has potential.
These movie reviews' first drafts were written in 2010.
It Came from Another World! - Full Stops Should Not Be Part of a Title
Irony is so easily abused. Just because you can make a perfect recreation of a 50s' sci-fi flick, does not mean you should. "It Came from Another World!" forgets that parody and homage are two totally different things.
A meteorite crashes in Northern Wisconsin. Dr. Franklyn Farnsworth is the only man who can investigate this seismic event. Immediately upon arriving on the scene, he is over taken by an alien entity. Now it is up to Professor Danny Jackson, Farnsworth's best friend, and the canoe cops to stop the King of the Cosmos from resurrecting his queen by way of Jackson's true love, Julian St. Marie.
Does one have to appreciate the effort put in to "It Came From Another World!"? It is only as good as Ed Wood features that you would expect Tom Servo and Crow would make a career in mocking.
The costumes are authentic, absurd attitudes are present, and it is probably the best B-movie Z-movie I have seen. My problem with the feature is that despite how great it looks, they do not realize that we can just watch a bad sci-fi movie to have the same experience. Its humor can only be taken in small doses (usually done in Stewie Griffin's voice). If you are sober when watching this, it will become painful to watch.
"It Came from Another World!" is a seemingly endless "Family Guy" cut away with characters who can only be handled if brief stints. This was made to be riffed which I think kind of defeats the point of making a bad movie. If it had its own sense of humor, this could have been brilliant. Instead, I was left pissing about them using the ending of "The Naked Gun" to close this picture...without O.J. Simpson or Ricardo Montalbon being hurled of a balcony.
Teenagers from Outer Space - A Wasted Porno Concept
Horror/sci-fi guru Lord Blood-Rah asked the crowd to get drunk for the second half of the September 28, 2010 edition of the Drunken Zombie Deadly Double Feature because he claimed "Teenagers from Outer Space" maybe the worst film ever made. I was left pondering if he had ever seen "Manos: The Hands of Fate" or anything from Coleman Francis's filmography.
Looking back at this review 11 years later, I think I must have taken the Lord's advice. This review must have been written at the screening because I have no recollection of this experience.
An alien race is looking for a new planet to raise their food supply, carnivorous giant lobsters called gargons. They decide that Earth would be the ideal spot, but when crew member Derek realizes that the planet is "civilized", he decides he must stop this relocation from happening. When reason fails, he is forced to flee and finds refuge with Earthling Betty and her grandfather. Unbeknownst to Derek, he is the heir to his race's king. The visitors find imperative that he is prevented from rallying the humans to his side.
What is more disappointing about "Teenagers from Outer Space"? Everything about the film or the fact that it would make for a great porn premise. The lead actor is David Love. There are confused teenage girls and nurses and a spaceship that is shaped like a screw. This is in the public domain, so I better start this production I guess.
If that is not a good enough premise for you, I also have a Z-movie , zombie-comedy script called "Main Event of the Dead". For more details like a treatment or to provide me with suggestions on how to get this production out of development hell, email russthebus07@gmail.com.
"Teenagers" did not know how to be camp. No one over acts. No one tries period. It is absolutely pathetic and the giant lobsters could not save it. A giant anything can at least soften the mental beat down of any film (like the giant syringe in "The Amazing Colossal Man").
Effort is necessary to justify any film that being made. It can be bad or creepy. It can have a low or no budget. As long as the audience can see effort, they may hate it, but it at least qualifies as cinema.
"Teenagers form Outer Space" is the "Manos: The Hands of Fate" of sci-fi. The lack of creepiness at least makes it laughable.
Killer Klowns From Outer Space: Are English Subtitles For Nerds?
*Blog post was started on April 8, 2021.
It is really cool that Podbean and its promotion options required "NinetyForChill dot Com - The Podcast - The Facebook Page". At least bugging 20 people a day shows there is degree of support with every like and accepted invitation. Still, securing guests for the podcast is a challenge, so that Facebook page's success is driving me a little batty.
Or it may just be jealousy. I asked a coworker today about doing the podcast. He stated his interest, but he is the father of a four-month old. This means time is not really a luxury. It means he has a life. Too bad cats do a great job of taking care of themselves. My furball(s) need to be needier.
If you are able to get a lot of bookings, expecting my friends in the wrestling business to be available is silly. But I have not heard from any of them looking to promote themselves since the podcast started at the end of the third wave of COVID-19 perplexes me. They are aware Colt Cabana is not recording "The Art of Wrestling", right?
A half asleep Ally from Ally's Accessories Shop accepted my invite to the podcast this week. Upon realizing that, she has been pulling for me to come up with someone else. Of course I have the intrigued, but noncommittal and me checking out all the possible DVD retailers on the Northside of Champaign looking for a copy of "Coraline" because surely if I found that, it would make the universe will another hesitant prospective guest into asking when we were going to record.
Of course Movies Anywhere is not selling "Coraline" through their site, thus I cannot buy a copy of that and get a free movie from Universal...most likely "Happy Gilmore". I do not know what I should be more upset at NBC/Universal for. No "Coraline" on their service (Every streaming app needs Neil Gaiman.) or how Peacock is handling the WWE Network migration. No, Vince McMahon should not use the N-Word or be shown using it, but if you are keeping the matches of Chris Benoit on the service, maybe keep Roddy Piper versus Bad News Brown. It was racist, but it was not a double-murder suicide. That is what context warnings are for.
Truth be told, I am not overly upset about the lack of a complete WrestleMania VI card. The match was part of WWE's retrospective on Piper, "Born Into Controversy". If they do delete Benoit's matches however, Peacock and Xfinity may be out a customer.
I am suppose to record the podcast tonight during both NXT Takeover Stand & Deliver: Night 2 and Kenny Omega's first match on Impact on AXS TV. Hopefully Ally will not back down so that I do not have to make a decision on which show to watch (She requested a delay, so I cannot win).
My only fear is that with the lack of 90-minute movies that we shared together (If you look at the highest grossing movies of all time, once your ass is in the seat, you will watch whatever they put on the big screen no matter the length.) my suggestion was for her to come over to watch "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" and then chat about it. Doubting that would be the case, I entered the Trash Feature library she has supplied me with to watch that feature. With my luck, she chooses that instead of faking it over Zoom for a half hour.
Why do I make these decision? My decision making skills are not that good. Or perhaps my loyalty is what gets me. Keeping an ex in my life and betting on Newcastle United and the Chicago Cubs. The wise thing to do would be to quit counting on people, but then I would not have a podcast. I guess it is a catch 45, because 22 is not the number of LOSERS.
Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988; 1 hour 28 minues)
Crescent Cove is a typical small college town. You have farms on the outskirts, overly aggressive police veterans, a make out point, etc. At the make out point, after the goofy ice cream truck operators failed to make any sales or get their dates in the mood, Mike and Debbie see a shooting star pass closely overhead. Debbie believes that it has to have landed close by and convinces Mike to go and investigate.
When they arrive where it landed, they find a circus tent. Despite Debbie's apprehension, the two go inside to find a big top TARDIS. The interior is massive with what seems to be a fusion reactor while the design aesthetic matches the carnival exterior. As they explore and avoid any being that seems to be heading their direction, they find what Mike believes is a cotton candy factory while the rational Debbie believe UFOs must be the only reasonable explanation. When Mike tries to prove it is fluffy sugar, he discovers a human body cocooned inside of it.
Before they can settle into their panic, a seven-foot tall clown enters the room. It soon notices them and chases them away with a popcorn cannon. Debbie decides the city must be warned and is certain that her ex-boyfriend on the police force, Dave, will believe them. This proves more of a challenge than they expected. The senior officer, Mooney, believes this to be a prank since Mike is friends with the ice cream truck driving jokesters, the Terenzi Brothers. Dave does not want Mike to involve his ex in these shenanigans. While Mooney refuses to entertain the concept of killer clowns from outer space, Dave is willing to entertain the concept to appease Debbie, provided she stays at home.
These two approaches end up leaving the town to fall into shambles. Even as Dave finds evidence supporting Mike and Debbie stories and starts to witness clown attacks, Mooney refuses to act once the calls start coming in. He believes it all to be a conspiracy to drive him mad and off the force. With no means of communicating with the state police, it is up to Debbie, Dave, Mike, and the Terenzis to save the day. With all the strength and alien technology the clowns have, will these five young adults be enough to save the city and possibly the world.
I think my description of "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" may be overly wordy. The DVD box art probably says something like, "After a giant circus tent arrives in Crescent Cove, townsfolk start disappearing with only popcorn and cotton candy left in their place. It is up to Mike, Dave, Debbie and the local ice cream salesmen to solve the mystery and defeat the evil "Killer Klowns from Outer Space." Maybe I am just showing this feature too much respect. That makes my efforts to find subtitles on this MGM/UA DVD seem futile.
"Killer Klowns from Outer Space" seems to be a satire in the vein of "Gremlins" but lacks any worthwhile characters to get behind to hold the feature together. "Gremlins" also had 15 more minutes to work with to establish lore and get to know the players, but with totally unrealistic characters, there is no cohesion and fails to establish lore until some throw away dialogue in the third act. This is a shame because most of the comedic violence can get a chuckle or two.
An upside to a focus on the mischief and mayhem is that it moves a long pretty quickly. The special effects have their moments and even the bad effects, like when a clown explodes, are played for laughs. John "Dean Wormer" Vernon as the long-in-the-tooth cop refusal to take the threat seriously is also amusing, so the comedy is there, just none of it is involves our handful of heroes.
I am on the fence on how to make this Troma-budget feature better. The satire could have been darker if we did not make the klowns so warped to look at. On the surface, it is easy to deem that they are scary, but clowns are scary enough to begin with. A greater commitment to gore effects may have cost the film its PG-13 rating, but if you want to entertain a horror audience, that would be the direction to take it.
In the end, "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" works as an idea, but not as a picture that you should provide much attention to. You will end up thinking too much and which results in a four-paragraph plot summary. All it needed to do was to make us care about the leads, but focusing on random klown attacks gets a more immediate reaction.
This could have been a great NES video game and it is good content for meme and YouTube content creators. For that, I understand the cult classic status. But if you are not looking to integrate these painted buggers as click bait, one watch is enough.
G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987): Where the Dwayne Johnson Franchise Should have Went
It is going to be interesting to see how this review works out. I prefer to write my reviews the next day (or by the time I finish viewing a feature, that day). The freshness is what I am going for. Too bad we have to do adult things like my job (which currently includes putting nine rolls of quarters by a space heater in hope to dry the paper that my water mug spilled over) and paying bills. Those are not too harsh when it comes to processes since my finances are in a blackish state. Please pardon any sense of appropriation.
And pardon the seemingly unwarranted bullshitting. I was (I guess am. The arguments that colleges should offer art degrees is fine, but my web design career was suppose to be an employable concept in 2002.) a website designer, so the pages on this blog have to be in sync with all the content on the right side. Thus, letting you know where my head is at with every post seems a necessary evil.
Am I evil? Guess I am. With that, it seems I can no longer say that I am just a fan of the art.
It seems I am paying for my vicefulness. My body feels like crap after it turns out that OSF would not allow me to get blood test so that I can offer a guide to whomever ends up being my next primary physician (No more physician assistants!). This meant that my cleanliness was for not, so I attacked about a half a dozen Krispy Kremes the following day and some Kraft Deluxe Mac and Cheese the next night. Christmas is still five months away, so asking my folks to pay for BJJ lessons must wait. The need to be humble over getting invited on a Disney World trip makes asking for anything a task.
If there is anything I am worried about in the now is that my promotion of Woody Allen movies is scaring away repeat guests for NinetyForChill - The Podcast. I suppose I have to respect the principles. And, at least they are not being petty like Michell Whitt over a contextual review. It also make me look at my own morals. Can one encourage revisiting the works of Lenni Rienfenstahl when it was a product of the Nazis?
Are pedophiles any worse than Nazis? Are these two groups equal? I would rather know what makes a sick mind, but if we should be violent towards Nazis (The most important lesson of "The Blues Brothers")...
The truth is, maybe I a just hang about for the arguments. With that said, check out my review for Roman Polanski's "The Ghost Writer". Should I have given the film which suggest that being a war criminal is far more evil than being a bale jumper a chance?
It should not be a legitimate worry. If that guest had listened to some of my podcast in preparation for their appearance, pro Marty Scurll mentions should have expressed my willingness to listen to everything I can about a controversy.
In the meantime, I have been working to line up a guest for an upcoming podcast episode. This party is working on a Jean Claude Van Damme podcast, so action movies maybe the topic. An episode focusing on the best DVD double feature pack ever released, "Bloodsport" and "Showdown in Little Tokyo" is where I am leaning.
But with "Snake Eyes" coming out soon, perhaps I should offer up a chat about the underappreciated/misunderstood G.I. Joe franchise. The two live-action movies do not fit the parameters of my podcast (The films are 118 minutes and 110 minutes), but if we start with the 1987 debut feature, it could warrant an episode.
G.I. Joe: The Movie
After Cobra's attempt to blow up the Statue of Liberty during its centennial celebration was thwarted by G.I. Joe, an American military unit solely dedicated to defeating Cobra, the terrorist group's supreme leader, Serpentor, attempts to remove Cobra Commander from his authority for yet another failure. This "court marshal" has to be placed on hold because when base, the Terror Dome, is attacked by a reptilian humanoid. Cobra Commander leads his lieutenants away from the battle in hopes that the assailant will kill their leader.
When she arrives to confront the head of the snake, Serpentor recalls her from a vision. Pythona informs him that it was not a vision but a memory of his homeland Cobra-La and that his destiny is to lead the people of this hidden land to reclaim the world from homo-sapiens. To do this, they will need to capture the Broadcast Energy Transmitter (BET). This should allow for the transmission of near unlimited amount of energy. Something so valuable is obviously being protected by G.I. Joe.
G.I. Joe's Himalayan security detail for the BET has left the military organization spread thin, so they will be counting on their next class of recruits. Their forces are further exasperated after they capture Serpentor when he led an attack to claim the BET. Despite his arrogance and immaturity, the top prospect seems to be the Green Beret Lt. Falcon. His most defining traits prove to be immediately detrimental as Pythona succeeds in allowing Serpentor to escape. If Falcon was more concerned about his post than trying to woo his ninja co-recruit Jinx, the unit should have prevented this attack.
As a result of his dereliction of duty, a court marshal for Falcon is proposed, but Duke begs for leniency in the process. He believes in Falcon's potential and claims responsibility for the recruit's shortcomings as his older half brother. This leads the tribunal to send Falcon to the Slaughter House, as in Sgt Slaughter, to conclude his training.
Serpentor is returned to Cobra-La where we find out the history of the Cobra organization/civilization, that a group of Joes are being held prisoner after they pursued the retreating Cobras from the BET assault, and that Cobra Commander will answer for his inadequacies. The Cobra-Las are lead by Golobulus and the people have been in hiding since the Ice Age. This hiding came as a result of the rise of mankind and their constant development of technology destroying organic dependent societies.
They have launched a fleet of mushrooms to orbit the planet. With the BET's energy, the shrooms will be allowed to release their spores. These spores will force mankind to return to their ancestors' beast like nature allowing Cobra to finally conquer the world. With the success of Serpentor's escape, the Joes know that their organic weapons are more powerful than anything Cobra had previously thrown at them. The escape also has left the Joes in disarray. Are they even in a position to stop Golobulus's evil plan?
"G.I. Joe: The Movie" was pulled from a theatrical release after children were left disturbed from "The Transformers: The Movie" the prior year. I understand you do not want to scar any more kids, but for those who watched Optimus Prime die in the first act, their brains would be better suited for the insanity of the story about Cobra-La. Regardless, this is 40 miles of bad world no matter the preparation.
Aside from getting Don Johnson and Burgess Meredith to voice our new protagonist and antagonist respectively, who only exist to introduce a new line of toys, no effort was taken to provide the audience with anything worth attaching "The Movie" to. I suppose the musical number to an extended rendition of the TV show theme lets us know that the feature is far grander than the 22-minute shorts, but when it is the same rendition of the song, laziness is the only feeling expressed. If you can afford Don Johnson, surely you can afford Stan Bush.
And this laziness goes beyond not creating any new takes on the material. I thought it was limited to anime features of the time, but virtually all the sound effects are pulled from the "Star Wars" Trilogy. Who would have ever thought that electrified snakes sound exactly like light sabres? The BET is a dead ringer for Palpatine's force lightning.
Obviously the animation is not improved upon or even taken in a new direction. "Transformers" at least made the effort in that department. The earlier film also could hide the blatant 80's racism in toys. I did think that the BET was an attempt to have children associate the acronym with this series instead the television network. No wonder Hasbro toys fell into a lull during the early 90's. With no cold war to distract us from, everything about G.I. Joe is ridiculous.
So the story that would seeming feature elements to soon be used by "Highlander 2" and the "Super Mario Bros." ended up being appropriate. After essentially stopping Cobra from nuking the world at the end of the second live-action movie, ancient aliens are the only thing that can bring new life to this franchise. Is Paramount afraid that the fans would look to this feature and complain about the lack of originality? I think the trolls would be more fascinated making jokes about Sergent Slaughter having a full head of hair (That guy is just full of lies.).
My little brother rented this "G.I. Joe: The Movie" back in the early nineties, and I did not know what to think about it then. That is not great for a kids movie. Add to that experience knowledge of why things do not make sense and you know it totally missed its mark. Then realize that it is a bad movie, and I am reaching for a magnifying glass to go all "Toy Story" Sid on these plastic Real American Heroes.
Do I dare give "My Little Pony: The Movie" a rewatch? Does anyone know if it has the Stan Bush touch imprinted on it.
*This blog post was started on September 14, 2021. The review was written in 2010.
House on Haunted Hill: When They Use To Do Double Features
Why should horror sequels work? There is no need for exposition, so you can cut right to the mayhem. Why do they not work? Because they want to introduce new characters when all you need are stereotypes and archetypes.
In a gimmicky genre like horror, we do not necessarily need to know the torrid affairs of the protagonist(s). All you really need to know is the motive of the antagonist. This is the focus of the original "House on Haunted Hill", a trip into a wicked character's mind portrayed by Vincent Price.
For the amusement of his fourth wife, the eccentric millionaire Frederick Loren allows her to host her birthday party at the house that is supposedly possessed by generation after generation of murder victims. Thanks to his jealous nature, his wife is short on friends, so to make the night interesting, he has invited five individuals who are in need of money. Each will be awarded $10,000 if they successfully spend the night there, cut off from the world. Of course, Loren makes it clear that it is not about spending the night. It is about surviving it.
"House on Haunted Hill" is a wise thriller. Wise in the sense that it skips out on presenting exposition as the story moves forward. It opens like a video game. You view the characters and their two-sentence description, and then the movie goes forward, never looking back.
The story turns out to be anticlimactic, but the devious nature of the characters allow that conclusion to be fitting. The director and performers do a great job of presenting the "haunted" environment, but the mere presence of Price makes the film a classic.
Who would dare think that Geoffry Rush could capture what Price did with the role? Rush may have been destined to be miscast when it came to the 1999 "remake", but that is another conversation.
"House on Haunted Hill" is a prime example of how stories should be quick and to the point. This is especially the case when all you have is a premise and a performer. It shows that a director does not need much to make a classic, as long as they remember not to drag out the material.
