It is a rare night. I am actually considering calling for delivery.
Sadly, all my favorite take out is wrestler hair greasy. Being a hotel
front desk agent frowns on my clothes looking like I had just headlocked
Bret Hart.
Roman ruined everything. His apparent admiration of Hart lead me to
question Bret's style in the 90's. If anything, that should be taken as a
good prognosis in his current cancer bout. If televised wrestling could
not thrive with him, neither shall leukemia.
Hair and hunger do not mix. That seems like a great way to transition to
a Bruce Willis straight-to-DVD feature, "Once Upon a Time in Venice"
(beach).
Steve Ford (Willis) is a disgraced cop turned private investigator who
is trying to make ends meet taking on any ridiculous job. His range of
work spans from making his protege John (Thomas Middleditch) survey an
ashamed sex addict to tracking down an aspiring, obscene Banksy
enthusiast that has been tagging a crooked real estate agent's property.
He seems to also lack maturity since he is considers nude skateboarding
an acceptable escape method, but makes up for that by taking care of
the down and out Dave (John Goodman) and his sister's family as her
husband is off somewhere trying to find himself. As long as he can watch
his niece's dog during the day, everything is fine.
Needless to say, when his sister's place is ransacked by a couple of
addicts who fence the gains and dog to their dealer Spider (Jason
Mamoa), Steve's life will go out of control. Spider seems cool, perhaps
too cool because his girlfriend had the nerve to decide to run off with
the dog and a case of his cocaine. It appears everybody needs to get
their lives in order and it is up to Steve to do it. This is the only
way to get the pooch back and leave Venice a place with some
sensibility.
"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is amusing until you stop and think about
it. The story ends up working out, but is a mess until the third act.
You are impressed that all the loose events resolve rather smoothly, but
aside from some fun performances, you spend the first two acts getting
fed up with the wacky scenarios that are constantly introduced and yearn
for a cohesive story.
The movie starts with misdirecting you into thinking that Middleditch
will be your lead. Having been given nothing to do, he is virtually
replaced by Goodman. Willis is fun, but it is John McClane as the cocky
hero the entire film who is unaffected by any situation's levity. As for
the rest of the performances, you may get a good scene from an actor,
but the ridiculous set up for what are primarily cameos is migraine
inducing.
Mark Cullen's directing ability is not any more adequate than his and
his brothers writing. He seems to think that Kevin Smith's method of
filming comedy can apply to action, hence there is none. You are
surprised that they even took the time to allow for gun play because it
cannot be framed by this talent.
I could not find out the budget of this film, but I am thinking that it
all went to get Bruce Willis since these are also the writers of "Cop
Out." That film left us with a Willis and Kevin Smith Feud. "Cop Out"
only has one subplot. You are telling me that Willis wanted his
character to be drawn and quartered across that film, and that is the he
hated filming that was because Smith said no.
"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is funny but it is not a movie. It is a
series of "Saturday Night Live" sketches at best. The problem with that
is the Cullen Brothers fail to realize that show requires all new
characters for each sketch. Venice Beach is not "Dante's Inferno," and
if Willis is not required to show more emotion than he offered in "The
Expendables" you have dog poo without any poo jokes.
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