90-min. Prime Video - "Split Second": Plot Decisions, Action, and Kim Cattral's Boobs

*Blog post started on April 13, 2020.

It turns out my supposed wealth of rediscovered content may be for not. The memo pad I am transcribing right now has many movie reviews, and they all seem prepared for publication in the ICC Harbinger. When I look at how long it can take to get through an article from The Ringer (granted they use a much larger font), these are not nerdy website ready. They work great for 2002, the year of my web designer certification, but I cannot stay so far behind the times.

Here's to Verdana as maineventofthedead.com's official font. I imagine that could add another 15 pages to my pro-wrestling zom-com "Main Event of the Dead". If you have any suggestions on getting the production out of development hell, or if you want a treatment of this no-to-low budget film, feel free to email russthebus07@gmail.com.

The first review I transcribed was for the Brian Cox prison break movie "The Escapist", so I feel that I cannot really release it until I come up with another jail movie or a very British flick. Unfortunately, since Rutger Hauer cannot deliver a British accent, "Split Second" does not qualify.

I would like to get my review for "The Damn United" out this week, so I suppose I could tack "The Escapist" on to that and still not seem overly long. It just sucks that the blog was titled ""The Damn United" - A Real Life Jay & Silent Bob on the Pitch". "The Escapist" blog was typed up Friday which means that I may have wasted a Saturday with Pokémon, naps and "Tiger King". That could have made for a good Sunday due to the conclusion of Joe Exotic's story, but compare the Netflix series to a "Tron" marathon, "Thor Ragnarok" and "Westworld", we can all agree on what sounds better.

Split Second - 1992

By 2008, global warming has left London's streets below the water table. With the United States still refusing to do anything about climate change, let alone pollution, the air is so congested with smog that the world is in a state of near constant night. Needless to say, when you create the same environment as "Highlander 2: The Quickening", the people of the world will go nuts. Fortunately for the people of London, Detective Harley Stone has been that way since his partner was murdered by a heart-ripping serial killer who he seems to have a psychic link to.

The London Police Service frowns on a little chocolate donut and coffee-fueled cannon-toting member of the force to be out on his own, so they assign him an Oxford-educated rookie in Dick Durkin to be his partner. Durkin is fascinated by the preemptive knowledge that Stone has and thinks that with his education will crack the case. That all falls apart after the killer attacks Stone's girlfriend Michelle. She survives, but the DNA the attacker left contains that of sewer rats and all of its past victims. Take that in consideration with the wounds and Satanic messages it leaves, Durkin and Stone both determine they are going to need bigger guns.

"Split Second" aspires to be a Roger Corman film, but has no idea what would be the best film(s) to rip off. Decisions on where the film should be taken seems to change after every scene. It seems like it starts as "Cobra", then the latter half of "Lethal Weapon 2", and ultimately "Alien". You can even throw in some "Tango and Cash" and "Remo Williams".

If the actors did not acknowledge with their performances how stupid the film is, it would be unwatchable. The worst offense the film commits is wasting Peter Postlethwaite to be an additional person for Rutger Hauer to bully. A lesser offense would be Kim Cattral deciding not to commit to a British accent (She may have just needed 20 years of practice because it is acceptable in "The Ghost Writer".). With Hauer failing to attempt a British accent, one may assume that they decided to try and make the film not seem to be British. If it worked in "Lifeforce", why would it not here?

Saying that this film is what would happen if "Lifeforce" and "Highlander 2" had a baby would be accurate, except the direction is totally lacking. That is quite a feat to fail worse than Russell Mulcahy. Since the camera hardly moves and there are only two action sequences, there seems to be no effort made. With a lack of clever dialogue, Tony Maylam cannot claim to be ahead of "The Office" in terms of this style. The climax is a bit clunky, but fun since the actors approach had not changed and "Blade" director Stephen Norrington's quickly produced "Alien" knock off monster fits in to the mood. It is the only scene that works, and the credits explicitly tell you Ian Sharp was the director responsible.

What really hurts the legacy of "Split Second" is that it is too aware of its silly nature. This means I would not suggest the Rifftrax crew to give it their time. This could work as a "How Did This Get Made" podcast because you can experience it, but not have to get involved in improving it. You can be amused by the mediocrity, but maybe it is better for this one to be lost. Rutger Hauer has worked with Albert Pyun in the past, so we can afford to edit his filmography for his legacy sake.

Pinterest - Martin Riggs

We Are 138: "9 Dead"...We Wish

It is good to know that there are cerebral films being made that require nil in terms of special effects, gore, or action. That statement is more of a comment about the principle that we can film 90 minutes of people talking because if you do not have gore and actions, you have to present a brilliant story. Brilliance and Melissa Joan Hart are two terms that will never star in a film together. (Finding out how proud she was to be involved with "God's Not Dead 2" solidifies that as fact.)

MTV.com - 47 Reasons Salem From 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch' Is Your Spirit Animal

Nine people have been kidnapped by a rogue, taser-toting Blue Man Group member. They all regain consciousness in a windowless room, each handcuffed to a pole. The pissed off Smurf introduces them to his game and provides the rules.

The nine victims have 10 minutes to determine the reason why they have been imprisoned together. If they figure it out, they will all go free and their captor will confess his crimes to the police. Failure to determine the reason will result in one of them being killed, but they will receive another 10 minutes to find out what they have in common. This process will continue until they solve the puzzle or there are no more players left.

SPOILER ALERT: The movie clocks in at 98 minutes. If you take into account the first act and time between intervals, you know at least a couple will figure this game out. Especially when the French version is only 83 minutes long.

"Nine Dead" is definitely the most anticlimactic torture flick. Unless you want to classify it as noir (Please spare that genre.), it can only be associated with the "Saws", "Hostels" and gruesome foreign fare, at least that is how it seems to have been advertised. It fails to realize the pay offs to an execution need to be awesome or unique kills. So after one guy's squib blows up over his shirt, the film just becomes boring.

If we had dynamic characters or performances, we may root for someone's survival. Because we do not want any of them to survive, the movie drags as we wait for someone to take a round above the waist.

The story itself is way too simple and linear. Throughout the tale, characters keep asking each other to stay on track. This screenwriter, Patrick Wehe Mahoney, must not have understood "Saw", "Se7en"  or "Revenge of the Sith" because for a story like this to work, the scheme has to have a larger scale. Otherwise, you do not empathize with the villain. You wind up thinking he is just a petty asshole.

As for directing and editing, this is on par with junior college first assignments. Since Chris Shadley has been in pictures for six years, the direction is inexcusable when you are working with just one set.

"Nine Dead" shows us that despite Rob Van Dam and Dave Bautista's best efforts, Baton Rouge is not the new Hollywood of the east. Shadley's film is part of a genre that is dependent on shocking the audience, but there are no thrills to be seen. The film promised the emotional destruction of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Everyone want to see that, but thankfully, no distributor picked up this damn near criminal let down.

IMDB.com - 9 Dead

90-Minute Netflix: Future World - The Charm James Franco Was Hiding

Low budget knock offs are what Blockbuster Video fans long for. If the concept is as good as James Franco's "Future World" and featuring a Milla Jovovich role, I am in it till the last minute.

Ash (Suki Waterhouse) is a robot built at the peak of technological advancement. Realizing the history and malice of her creators that lead to an apocalypse that lacked zombies or nukes, she decides to erase her memory. It is better to be a relic than a tool. Unfortunately, an artifact is not what Warlord (Franco) and his bikers need.

Prince (Jeffrey Wahlberg) was born in the oasis, a peaceful commune in the scorched wasteland. Peace is maintained because they have the only working ammunition in the world. When Prince's mother (Lucy Liu) falls ill to the plague of the era, the red fever, he determines that by packing a little heat, he and his compadres can make it to Paradise Beach and find the cure their matriarch needs. Of course the luck runs out when they run into Warlord and his new robotic bride.

After murdering a few people and dealing with the annoyance of Warlord's presence, the awoken robot decides she needs to set some grounds for morality. Saving Prince and sending her husband on a wild goose chase seemed to be a good start. If she can get the kid to Paradise Beach and the cure, all should at least be even Steven. Surely there are no more nuts of higher acclaim in the cast. Jovovich only plays stable characters...right?

The cast of "Future World" knows what you are supposed to do with a film seeming inspired by "Cyborg 2." That is to chew the scenery and enjoy every bite of it. With Snoop Dog and Method Man in the cast, fans of B-movies know this will not be a waste of time.

You have to have a taste for the tacky to enjoy a flick like this. The actors are here to have fun and get scale. When you arrive on a "set" where it is jut a burnt out hotel with some faux graffiti, what else are you going to do? If you do not focus of being over the top, the movie is going to be "Cyborg."

Now, I dug "Cyborg" because no one seeming could act, so it is a fun train wreck. "Future World" qualifies as a movie. The script is articulate enough and it may have the talent to be a respectable "Road Warrior" knock off. It has a quest that feels like an 80's animated film, and if you have that, I will feel nostalgic. "Future World" can only be a B-flick, so it is a success.

For those who need a well-made film to keep their attention, the lack of well-made inanimate object will have you turning this title off. Wise scenery choices instead of minimal effort could have made this an American "Mad Max." I at least hope that is what director Franco was going for. Sand is the best looking part of the sets. I suppose only George Miller is the only person who can shoot that.

"Future World" was probably a wild pitch that took any money it could get. You have to respect it for letting Jovovich do what she does best. It has to be appreciated for not being overly complicated sci-fi to justify its shortcomings. And any movie with Snoop as the Love Lord is worth $1.75.

Why they didn't put that in his billing may be the dumbest thing this film did.

90-min. Prime Video: "Forbidden World" Away from the Bernie Bros

*Blog started on April 11, 2020.

News is still centered around the pandemic, so despite my shortened work days, it has not been overly difficult to catch up on the news websites. Last night, I tried to distract myself from going after the #NeverTrumpNeverBiden movement to attack the first three conservative Twitter users who went after Representative Ilhan Omar for trying to catch the nation up with the rest of the Western World. The social media platform maybe too diluted now because it use to be when I would attack hashtags (not users) like #PatriotsUnited, #Trump, #Jesus, I received a lot of hate for it. Now, these cunts are just ignoring it. It must be all about your follower count I suppose.

Too bad this blog is going to conclude with a movie review. It seemed fitting to find a place to start listing the names and profile information of the deplorables I found in every blog post. Then again, that might just encourage people to continue being the worst the United States has to offer who are not an offspring of Donald Trump whos life revolves around kissing Daddy's ass. I am calling you out Baron.

Maybe I have lost some of my passion for politics. Acquaintances from Morton are sharing and reacting positively to my Facebook posts. What does it take to get unfollowed? I guess my tolerance for bullshit is gone. This week has led me to unfollow anyone implying that they are not going to vote for Joe Biden.

It all ends up being a conspiracy by the baby boomers. Millennials were given everything growing up, so they feel entitled. Thus, they need to get their way or no one gets their way. Their parents were playing the long game. Be pushed around and underappreciated by your crotch fruit so that these twats feel like the world owes them just as much as you. Hillary Clinton fairly beat Bernie Sanders, so they voted against all of their interests instead of protecting some of them via Jill Stein or Donald Trump.

Sadly, they seem to be idiots who Sanders' free education would be wasted on. These kids are acting like they have not learned and will burn this current world down by letting Trump win again. The tactic this time is probably skipping the polls which would be worse than voting for a third party. If we can at least win the Senate, Trump would be effectively powerless and Ruth Baders Ginsburg could finally relax.

The rode to hell is paved with good intentions. How else did you expect me to transition this rant to a Roger Corman movie? He knew that we needed "Alien" and "Star Wars" to feature over-the-top gore and female nudity, but what we got was a cinematic purgatory in "Forbidden World.

Forbidden World (1982)

Being awoken to battle some space pirates, Troubleshooter Mike Colby's robot custodian SAM-104 advises him that he has received a new assignment. The two are to head to planet Xarbia to contain a research experiment that may have gone wrong or horrendously right. Dr. Hauser and his team have been trying to develop a new food source to solve all galactic hunger concerns by creating organisms with Proto-B DNA. It seems a noble cause, but because it is playing God, they are isolated on this deep space planet.

This new DNA's metamorphic nature puts into question who is actually playing the all mighty on high. The latest mutation decided to kill all of other test subjects before cocooning itself in the lab. Its violent nature leaves Colby believing that it needs to be terminated, but Hauser and his primary assistants want to see how this plays out...even after it attacks the janitor and escapes the lab. 

Technically, the cleaning guy is still alive, just dissolving into protein with a pulse. That sounds like a fate worse than death, so the majority of the crew is ready to side with Colby's intentions. The minority seems a little to eager to further study the events, so everyone will eventually be on the same page, but will they have enough numbers to battle the large-toothed, intelligent insectoid that it has become?

IMDb.com - Forbidden Planet

Roger Corman's importance to cinema should make his last name an entry in the Oxford Dictionary. Aside that word should be the primary poster for "Forbidden World". It tells you the film knows what you want, but this is still a deal with the devil.

A few months ago, I had watched the Corman-produced "Galaxy of Terror". It was entertaining enough despite a haphazard story, so I expected this feature to be the same. Aside from the reuse of James Cameron designed sets and overall tackiness, this film lacks the originality of its predecessor, and once we witness the space dog fight (from Corman-produced "Battle Beyond the Starts") and concept of hypersleep, you know you are just settling into a cheap knock off of the biggest sci-fi of the time.

The acting is hindered by everyone trying to be either hip or sexy, with our male cast focusing on being David Carradine hot, so it feels like 2000's indie wrestling. Its special effects are all around laughable with an Ed Wood equivalent monster as the villain and a robot that just misses the mark. There are some good gore effects too start, but it all just becomes a mess of red and transparent gelatin by the end of the flick.

Despite all of its flaws, it does show the beauty of a good Corman production. In trying to differentiate itself from what it is ripping off, possible inspiration for classic films are present. The monster's development is very much like 1995's metamorphic alien film "Species", and the demise of the beast is very similar to the end of "Species 2". It attempts to improve on some of the sequences from "Alien", which you have to applaud the effort, and in turn offers up devices that may have been used in that film's sequels.

If anything beyond the production values can be said to have aged poorly, it is all the female nudity, but I can defend that. "Game of Thrones" first season is classic television and it shows us that sexposition is still a valid storytelling device.

With some Clark & Sheffield Vodka, Kahlua and Meijer's brand Italian Sweet Crème Coffee Creamer, "Forbidden World" was a fun experience. If you can talk some friends into watching it with you, there are few better celebrations of mediocrity. This is not art, but you will not feel dirty seeing classic films being subverted and perverted. You can accept that is just part of the deal if a flick has been labeled a Roger Corman Cult Classic.

IMDb.com - Forbidden Planet

90-Min Rutger Hauer: "Surviving the Game" Before Newline Tried

*Blog posted started on April 17, 2020.

Four hours and 10 minutes left in the shift and I foolishly thought writing a movie review would get me through the rest of the day. Stimulus fever seemingly lasted for 48 hours. If you got they got their check, they cashed it out before the government knew it was gone. That had been the only story in the news, so I am back to needing to blog on and on and on.

For a second there, I thought I was in trouble. Fortunately, my Domo-kun messenger bag did make the trip from the car to the breakroom. It would be really awkward to ask the manager if I could run out to the car for my comic books.

This might be my biggest complaint about the COVID-19 lockdown that I cannot go troll hunting to cope. For printed media, it is probably a plus for print and bookstores. Comixology has not been sending the bi-weekly worthwhile email about what graphic novels and comic book releases. No brick and mortar, no new releases. I definitely prefer the paper and the collectability despite my not owning sleeves and cardboard backs (What else do you expect me to use my Pro Wrestling Crate boxes for?). Still, with movies soon to be a digital only medium, I am willing for comics to be the same.

As long as there are Funko Pop! collectables when we get out, we can stay locked up till 2021. The strike-shortened NHL 2013 season was a lot of fun in my opinion.

With all that said, I do have to thank the heroes at Netflix DVD.com warehouses. It is great to have the assurance that I will not pay an extra $2 to see a Rutger Hauer movie that has yet to be converted to HD.

Of course, people are surprised when they find out that I still have a DVD-rental subscription service. I may have just overblown the noble nature of this essential job. Are they having any issues social distancing in those distribution centers if 1 in 22,500 (population of Champaign divided by two) are requesting discs via mail?

I should not mock them when there are plenty of assholes who troll people just to say "Fuck you! Your wrong!" on Twitter and Facebook. They are just trying to survive, like Ice T in Ernest Dickerson's follow up to "Juice" (Please pardon that tacky transition.).

Surviving the Game - Why Can't F. Murray Abraham be Properly Billed?

Jack Mason has been down on his luck since his family died. He is homeless and both of his best friends have just joined his family. Wanting to take control of some aspect of his life, walking into an oncoming Peterbilt seemed to be a wise decision. Serendipitously, a volunteer at a food bank pushes him out of the way in time. This man wants to give Mason a reason to keep on living, so he directs him to Thomas Burn of Hell's Canyon Outfitters. Mason being able to survive the concrete jungle, surely he can be shaped into a hunting guide in the Pacific Northwest. At least, that is what Burns is selling him.

After an evening of libations with the psychiatrist, oil baron, and stock broker and son that he is to lead on a hunt, Burns and the good Samaritan awaken Mason with a .45 caliber pistol pressed against his temple. Mason will be leading these men out on a hunting trip, he just did not realize that he is the hunted. The hunters do give him a head start to get to civilization as they partake in a hardy lunch, but Mason quickly determines the best thing to do is to turn this anger management retreat back on his pursuers. Who is meant to survive this most dangerous of games?

As a child of the eighties, for some reason I think I was made aware of Richard Connell's short story "The Most Dangerous Game" during one of my lit or language arts classes in high school. Perhaps my overread sister told me about it. Maybe I was familiar with the concept because of Arnold Schwarzenegger films ("Predator", "The Running Man"). Regardless of how I was introduced to hunting man for sport, Ice T as a movie star was not going to sell me on checking out "Surviving the Game" when there were Jean-Claude Van Damme and action films with Keith David to watch.

Fortunately, HBO is free for a year with most cable TV packages, and it needed content. It is always easier to run ninety minute features when you are a programmer, so their Newline subsidiary came through with this stacked cast (It is short of a shame that F. Murray Abraham is never the true antagonist.). I am just curious how the studio were able to get this cast in the early 90's, a time when they were not known for trying.

And that is what you get from this feature, a lack of effort from those handling the money. Was it a subliminal message? You will cheer for Ice T killing off the one percentile because they are not trying to help amuse you thoroughly.

The generic and overdone soundtrack style and John C. McGinley's presence gave me a flashback to "Highlander 2: The Quickening". There are very few opportunities for the accomplished cinematographer to shine as a director. If you are a fan of "The Walking Dead" (There are just too many episodes in my opinion.) you can see what Dickerson had taken away from this film which is good, because otherwise you feel this is just a quickly produced knock off of John Woo's "Hard Target".

It is a tough task to approach a concept (JVCD versus Hunters led by Lance Henriksen) that Woo had tackled, but the action in "Surviving the Game" holds up pretty well. If "Judo" Gene LeBell is on your stunt team, the hand-to-hand will look intense. Even with that style of combat, you cannot compete with a Woo's film set pieces, so the script wisely takes time to focus on each antagonist.

All of the performers deliver when it comes to their roles with the exception of Ice T. In Ice T's defense, we want him to be Ice T. As long as he does that, you cannot be dissatisfied. Because the supporting cast delivers, you do invest in their plights as well. It is enough to make for a fun way to kill 90 minutes, and you do not have to worry about loud explosions to bother the neighbors.

"Surviving the Game" is a fun action flick that which makes me miss the time where live TV was all there was. This is a fun way to kill 90-minutes or at least serves as great ambience noise wise. Seeking out a quick take on John Woo is not something that most will partake in, but if it pops up on Tubi or Pluto, it might be that throwback you need in the time of pandemics.

WarnerBros - Blade Runner