We may have finally (2009) returned to the hay day of 80's horror renting bliss with "Skeleton Crew". Indistinguishable box art (Is this an Asian flick?), a trailer referencing horror films not even a decade old, acknowledgement that its simple plot is a rip off of a recent film, and Anchor Bay distributing the film takes me back to me wondering what evil the aisle closest to the register of Morton's Village Video had to offer.
If Starz Studios have given this aspiring gornography tribute a fraction of what it gives to "Crash: The Series", "Skeleton Crew" may have promise as a good film, but lets be realistic (and lets acknowledge that this was written while I was in college, so Wikipedia was a no-no.). For the most part, Starz does not even show its "original" (Crew is a Finnish-Russian import.) on their networks, and it probably would not help sway people from HBO and Showtime (I am subscribed to Starz via Hulu right now, and this picture is not in the library.).
Maybe Starz should just show some live fights, but if "Skeleton Crew" delivers on low-budget gore, I could care less about their network's Nielsen Ratings (Again, this review was written in 2009). Yes, I am greedy, like everyone who gets a movie package. 200 channels is not enough.
Steve is trying to bring the world his low-budget horror masterpiece (If anyone is interested, I have been developing a low-budget horror film, "Main Event of the Dead" a pro-wrestling themed zom-com. Email russthebus07@gmail.com if you would like to view the story treatment or have promotion advice.). To capture the essence of this true story, he decides to shoot at the mental institution where the grizzly murders of the serial killings of the snuff director known as The Auteur took place. The project is not going well.
The producer is stingy, the Finnish crew is threatening to walk off, and the lead actress is demanding (to her credit putting in some extra effort) to star in the sequel. There does not seem to be a way to save the project, but after a hidden collection of the Auteur's films is found, Steve has developed a new approach to filming the brutality. His sanity will be the cost of this cutting-edge style. Will the crew be able to survive this tribute to a demonic mind?
To claim there is bare bones gore in "Skeleton Crew" would be generous. The beginner's level camera work, sub-par nudity and clueless story make this a film that lacks guts or heart. I hope this is because they wanted to nail the film to its title, but that would even be too clever for this project.
Production values should not have held this title back. If this is an homage to classic slashers, one would figure that the creative staff would have at least listened to a Sam Raimi commentary track to know how to do gore on the cheap. The viewers get to see gore but they are not being treated to it. There is nothing suspenseful in how it is created.
At one point, a drill is driven into a skull, but the wound is not cool if we do not see an entry or a reaction to the tool through the dome. For sitting through this wretched delivery, we get to see the wound, but if we wanted to see inanimate head trauma, we could just walk down the Wal-Green's Halloween aisle. I do not know how big this holiday is in Finland, but the effects leave me feeling that this film was shot around this season.
And what is the deal with Finland? I know the Swedes put effort into their performances and nudity (I had gone to the theater to see "The Millennium Trilogy" that summer.). Is it because they are Scandinavia's number four country that they can only put in a fourth place effort? You are not even on the podium.
I have taken two years of junior college Mandarin, and because I do not speak it fluently, I know you have to show emotion when you speak. That way people understand how you feel so that they can then guess what my broken tongue is spewing. If you do not get emotions right with a second language, you are just considered an attention-starved foreigner. This maybe the right motivation for our female lead and her relationship with the director, but when they are not fooling around, the performance in telegraphed in.
The only element of acting by any character in this film is that some are caricatures of emotions. A couple of them are angry, a couple are snooty, but range is not offered by anyone.
As for the nudity, all we get are a few butts of both gender. This is horror for DVD, it has to be abundant to satisfy the audience (I was so disappointed in this film, it seems I did not stick around to the post-credit scene that joked about this. Thanks Wikipedia.). And it has to look objectifying and good, especially from our lead actress.
This is entertainment for the lowest common denominator. Hence, if you are going to flaunt your body around for them, it better be in shape. The lead actress is not ugly, but she seems to have never done a push up or squat in her life. Her butt is its own separate entity from her torso, and her under arm fat is not in check. If this were a good slasher flick, she would be the chick killed just before the massacre really kicks off.
This film is based on a script that is not even worthy of being called a Troma knock off. The writers were aware of how poorly their writing was going, but instead of starting a new draft, they try to throw twists in to try and cover up the holes while inadvertently creating new ones. "Skeleton Crew" is to what IDOT is to Illinois roads.
The roads comparison is an undeserved compliment. Illinois roads were at least built properly once. This script abandons proper story telling, so it is like it has never been paved.
"Skeleton Crew" does nothing for the world of lousy cinema. No hot starlets to chase, no performers to look for in future films, and gore that is shamed by Christian Hell Houses show all directors what not to do when making a film.
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