"Underworld: Blood Wars" and R-Rated Table Reads for Kids

The original subtitle for this blog was "Maximizing the HDR but not Charles Dance." I bring up Charles Dance in the blog title having recently seen "Godzilla: King of the Monsters". Do not forget the birthday gift that your parents had gotten your significant other. There are consequences.

Insert rant about seeing "Godzilla: King of the Monsters" instead of "John Wick 3: Parabellum. How good PG-13 Charles Dance was "Last action Hero". Suggest table readings for R-rated movies be done in the presence of children. Read all about this at MainEventoftheDead.com

You would think it would be tough to get back to my latest 90-minute movie review after that rant, but I must be clairvoyant. The first word of the review I wrote in what I think was January of 2018 was...

Bookworms are tough to read as film goers.

Underworld Blood Wars:

Before my current beloved, my last girlfriend was a lost 22-year old on Seroquel-prescribed mess (the past is the past), so it was easy to keep her amused with flashy imagery. The William S. Burrough readers who left me bankrupt would find other means to distract themselves. The roommate I had a literal falling out with had little time for appreciating pop corn cinema because her boyfriend at the time embraced it while ignoring our tendency to indulge in Milla Jovovich films not directed Luc Besson.

Tuscola's finest nose being in books made it so she never kept track of gimmicky cinema, and since all of our motion picture library for the first year of our relationship had to be viewed in the common living space, it was tough to catch her up on it. Despite all of the distractions, she is amused by chicks fighting monsters. Regardless if she retains any of the plots, I am not allowed to watch any of their sequels without her.

www.pinterest.com/CloakedReaper

Thankfully, with me initially installing the 4K equipment in the bedroom, she would have to become a cinephile. There are no arts and crafts to distract her. Just the need to deal with all of her questions from the previous franchise installments that competed against yarn balls for her attention.

Fortunately, "Underworld: Blood Wars" did not inspire a refresher. The film returns to what the first film in the series promised, vampires versus werewolves. If it makes a viewer inquisitive, it is only about what they had previously seen the British actors in.

Humanity has abandoned their purge of violent "Twilight" characters. This leaves the war between vampires and lycans to focus on capturing a hybrid to dissect for the cause of securing their clan's respective future.

The only person who can lead anyone to one of the werepires is the death dealer Selene. To ensure this cannot happen, she has hidden her daughter and arranged it so she will not know the child's location. Thus, she is left wandering the Earth only to be amused by killing those dumb enough to chase her. That can get dull, so she has become nothing more than a reverent of regret hoping it will end soon.

David the vampire prince is able to track her down and tell her that she will be welcomed back into the coven to train new death dealers since the lycan threat is only growing. If one half of her pursuers can be eliminated, this may allow her to knock off the absentee mother routine. But everything in her thousand-year life has been based on a lie, so there must be a vampire or two planning her demise.

Selene will need a new trick to escape and end her foes, so the film leaves you to brainstorm. Will you guess correctly or inadvertently prepare a treatment for the sixth film?

It is a good time for fantasy with the success of "Stranger Things," and "Underworld: Blood Wars" capitalizes on the audience accepting any convoluted premise. The viewer has fun trying to out think the dungeon master/screenwriters Cory Goodman's plot and is rewarded with an amusing story advancement. There is nothing about this film that can be taken too seriously, you will catch on to that quickly and enjoy the ride.

There is nothing noteworthy about the fight sequences, but the environments and the amount of action will keep your attention. Unlike the previous films, characters who survived  are further developed (Charles Dance), so you get something they totally dismissed with Scott Speedman's character. If you were angry about that hollow love interest was left out of the previous film, you receive a quite satisfactory resolution to your complaints.

Perhaps the best aspect of this feature is that it keeps moving. No moments are taken to add weight to events. It is a "Dynasty Warriors" video game put on 35 mm. You came to see vamps and wolves bash heads. As an indie wrestling fan, I can appreciate the decision to skip story and just spreading the thumbtacks on the canvas. We do not need Stephanie McMahon showing us how she verbally loves licking her lips for 20 minutes...ever.

And that is why people immediately doubt my sophistication when I mention wrestling, regardless of the alliteration.

"Underworld: Blood Wars" is how a ridiculous 80's feature premise can still work in the 21st century. A familiar face and action is all you need. Just keep it brief (under 100 minutes) and the effects worthwhile, and you can get the audience to accept anything. This is "Cruiser Weight Classic" film making, not "205 Live".

90-min at $9.99 - "Rambo: Last Blood", Stallone Is a Sad Liam Neeson

I need to go to a Family Video at some point to check out what it costs to rent a DVD. $3.99 being a special rental rate for a movie on iTunes seems a bit high. It is especially high when you take into consideration that iTunes has a $4.99 for purchase section.

Yes, you can buy $4.99 DVDs and Blu-Rays at a video store, but those titles are far from new. A skip or two in "Suicide Girls Must Die" did not affect that film too much (as I predicted), but the stakes should be higher for "Rambo: Last Blood". On sale for $9.99 for a week (I would not be surprised if longer.), I thought purchasing it to ensure quality was a worthwhile gamble.

It has been 10 years since John Rambo had returned to the United States from Thailand, and the ranching life seems to suit him. He is now medicated, but old habits are hard to kick as he maintains a tunnel network under the family home. If anything, his paranoia allows him to be the perfect uncle to the orphaned Gabrielle who he has groomed into an equestrian ace and a scholar.

Despite having a loving family, Gabrielle cannot shake the feeling of being unwanted. This leads her to keep in contact with her delinquent friend Gizelle in Mexico. Her hopes are that her friend maybe able to locate the father who abandoned her. Gizelle succeeds and Gabrielle heads to confront him. Of course Rambo's niece does not know that Gizelle survives by working for a human trafficking's ring. When she does not return, Rambo throws his meds away and crosses the border with bringing along a hammer and a handgun.

Will the arms Rambo brought be enough to take her back? If you are the kingpins who took her, you better hope it is. He is only trying to be a hero. If anything happens to his family, you will be the target of his wrath.

Rambo is one of the first action heroes I was aware of. Or I should say, he seemed to work the most. Harrison Ford's Indiana Jones and Han Solo played a greater part in my development, but Sylvester Stallone seemed to relish playing this role more. My first true action movie going experience was "007: The Living Daylights", but when you grow up around kids whose parents did not care what they put into the VCR, you heard from everyone else how badass Rambo was. Sorry David Morrell, but this is the Rambo I gravitated to.

I have never actually watched "First Blood" from beginning to end. Rambo not trying to kill a small town (Directly at least, fuck their economy.) meant he was a really deep character, and his speech at the end of the film told me there was an important message behind the film. It was not until my teens that I saw any of the films, and frankly, the first film felt above my comprehension (Teens do include 11, right?). When you throw this guy back into Vietnam or land him in Afghanistan to win a war, that was easy for me to understand.  No unnecessary drama, just action and a sense of a man trying to find redemption is what I watched these films for. As I grew to love ridiculous effects, the more gore an installment had, the better it was.

"Rambo: Last Blood" was not as much as a hit when compared to the fourth installment. This left me wondering if it was just a bad movie. After comparing the Rotten Tomatoes scores and not seeing much of a difference, I determined this film deserves a chance to be viewed. This just shows that we need an action movie equivalent to the Tomatoes scale to better serve us fans of gratuitous violence. Too bad "Bloody Elbows" was already taken.

"Last Blood" is a revenge film, but it makes the mistake of having the instigating issue occur until the 45-minute mark. This is not the film I was hoping for. I was not interested in Stallone replacing Neeson in terms of using their particular set of skills. Because Sylvester Stallone wants to show that Rambo is finally civilized, he does not use his special traits when he comes to the rescue. The results only further humanize him, and that is not want I want from this legend.

Also, the action is reserved for the last 15 minutes of the film. Once Rambo finally kills/brutalizes someone in the bastardized predecessors (two through four), the action feels constant. The screenplay allows us to thoroughly enjoy the climax because we want his vengeance to be obtained, but it is not the journey we wanted to take to get there. Being a member of "The Last Jedi" is, at worst, the third best "Star Wars" film camp, I appreciate that Stallone and Matthew Cirulnic tried something new with the formula by attempting to rip our hearts out emotionally, but the past formula cannot be abandoned.

A part from the story missteps, the film suffers from having few opportunities for director Adrian Grunberg to shine. Perhaps he did not have the ability to shine, but I enjoyed his previous theatrical release, "Get the Gringo", so I know he was not talentless. Again, the finale is great, but with everything beyond the Rambo Ranch scenes being shot at night with no environmental effects (rain, dust, etc.), it just feels cheap. There are some scenes that could work in Grindhouse features, but he is making a "Rambo" movie, not a "Machete" sequel, so the efforts are lost on the typical filmgoer.

To get to the goretastic finale, you must love the character of Rambo to enjoy "Last Blood". I fall into that category, but I could see a lot of people being bored with this flick and skip to the literal heart-wrenching conclusion. If only we still had FlixMix ("Boogeymen: The Killer Compilation" and "Ultimate Fights") around to remedy this situation. Could you imagine a compilation film composed of the best scenes from films that might not be worth your time? Now "That's Entertainment."

9-Gag - We Can Relate.

https://9gag.com/gag/a8y74xY

90 Min DVD: "Smash Cut": Minor League Soska Sisters

*Blog entry written on February 18, 2020

My life kind of feels like it is a holding pattern. I know I am a big advocate for patience and I seem to have a lot of it, but waiting drives me crazy as much as the next person. Not expressing my frustration with that (publicly) maybe my greatest strength.

It is not so much that I cannot do anything with myself. It is that any decision I make will not have any affect of me in the immediate future. C2E2 is next weekend. How am I going to afford to go to the show and afford a room? This spoiled soon to be 40-something has to wait and see.

Dad wants me to get the non-sports elements of the England trip planned out. How do I do that when I am not around him to review stuff with him? I am sure he would dig a play about the making of "Jaws", but I need to be for sure.

When can I move out and finally be comfortable? The answer is not until May at the earliest, so grin and bear it until then. Do I have the right to get upset at having to account for my better quarter's (Eva the Cat will always get half) absent mindfulness since we will not be living together after the lease? If I do not get hot about it, I will let her think it is cool to go around doing what she does to the next roommate.

Then again, truck drivers and warehouse workers do not seem to mind her. Why am I trying to make myself sound like a catch? They make more money than me. I guess they can afford to let people live more slovenly than my obsessive compulsiveness allows.

This could just all be related to the winter. When things warm up, things will get better. Of course, aside from sporting events, when do I really appreciate the weather?

I suppose the next rewrite of "Main Event of the Dead", my pro-wrestling themed zom-com, needs to change most of the scenes to exteriors. That way, I could use the natural light to shoot it instead of dealing with the expense of lighting a bingo hall. If you have any other ideas on how to get this project out of development hell, I will be happy to email you a treatment (drop me a line at russthebus07@gmail.com) in exchange.

Studying Lee Demarbre's "Smash Cut" at least made the past week worth noting. I had more fun watching "Knives Out", but aside from storytelling, I am years away from being worthy to study under Rian "Second Best Star Wars Movie" Johnson's learning tree. Canadians paying homage to Herschell Gordon Lewis and trying to get the most out of a nonexperimental performances from adult film stars seems like the right place for my filmmaking aspirations to be.

Able Whitman is a struggling B-movie director whose most recent film, "Terror Toy", debuted to a near total walk out from the audience. This disaster will not run him out of the business because every investor needs tax write offs, but he will never be the artist that he strives to be without proper inspiration.

Outside of the industry, the only person who sees potential in him is a stripper named Gigi. She wants to see him succeed so badly, that she sets out to be his muse and will not even take his money from her performances. Of course everything in Whitman's life turns bad, and she dies in a car accident as he drove her home from work. Whitman initially tries to cover up the incident, but after seeing the wretched gore effects his crew has come up with for "Terror Toy 2", he opens his trunk to find his inspiration, and Gigi makes no complaints about being featured in the picture.

After the latest test reel, his producers believe that he is finally on to something, and if he can keep it up, Whitman will have a blank check. If it is realistic effects that will make him the director he has always dreamt he could be, realism is what he will provide. But with Gigi rotting, where else can he get the viscera for the celluloid? Well, being mocked by critics, local aspiring documentarians, and producers who demand rewrites so that their friends' kids have roles, Able Whitman has a wide menu of options.

My expectations were not very high for "Smash Cut". Sasha Grey was nothing but a name to put on the cover of "The Girl from the Naked Eye" to garner interest while only one scene. Herschell Gordon Lewis did a lot for Grindhouse cinema, but what I have seen from "Blood Feast" and "Wizard of Gore" did not seem worthwhile. But with a disclaimer placed at the beginning to put you in the grindhouse mood followed up by the hilarity of the "Terror Toy" screening, you know that the director implies that he does not want you to take the film seriously at all. This picture is all about Lee Demarbre knowing what people want to see from a bad horror movie. He just needs an audience to cheer on his efforts to deliver it.

I think most fans of no-budget cinema enjoy just witnessing the effort the directors and actors take to tell a story that, financially, they have no business in telling. As long as you can at least laugh at the shortcomings, the director has succeeded in his goal. "Smash Cut" takes the experiences of being a filmmaker in this genre too personally at times, but until the film got to the point where a conclusion was required, the dialogue and shortcuts are amusing enough to keep the viewer involved.

The actors do not take themselves too seriously and most seem to have fun playing a long with the ridiculous story. If Sasha Grey would have gone out and hammed it up, the ensemble would have been stronger, but it was early in traditional acting career, so showing restraint may have been the better career move. Her reading from "Hamlet" was solid and her screams were on point when it came to dealing with the gore effects.

As for the gore, aside from decay effects, it is the best no budget can offer. They work out great after the low bar they demonstrate at the beginning of the film. The best element is that the director shows no respect to the impact they should have on us. Since "Friday the 13th" was all about shock and showing that it could be done instead of should it be done, Demarbre has topped himself effects wise when compared to his classic "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" from eight years prior.

Unfortunately, Ian Driscoll may have regressed over that time as a screenwriter. When telling a story about the film industry, you do not have to keep driving the point home that the audience should be siding with the mentally unstable artist's message. If we enjoy that kind of plot, you do not need to remind us why we are here. Whitman is no Jesus, so he needs stronger supporting characters to help him out, and they are almost nonexistent.

I came to a point where I wondered why Demarbre was not at the level of the Soska Sisters. "Dead Hooker in a Trunk" lacked a budget, but the characters were strong enough that the minimal gore in comparison was almost unnecessary. It gave you multiple perspective into how crazy the journey was that you forgot that the film had no budget. Demarbre and Driscoll give you fun flicks, but they are not going to make you forget that they pride themselves on missing elements.

"Smash Cut" is an amusing B-movie that takes pride in being a no budget affair. The conclusion is very clunky and it can take itself too seriously, but it lets the audience know that anyone can make a fun movie as long as you have a fun story. For someone who wants to start in film with little resources, I definitely appreciated this film, and with that approach, any smart film goer should too.

IMDb - Smash Cut (2009)

90 min at $9.99 - "Rambo: Last Blood", Stallone Is a Sad Liam Neeson

I need to go to a Family Video at some point to check out what it costs to rent a DVD. $3.99 being a special rental rate for a movie on iTunes seems a bit high. It is especially high when you take into consideration that iTunes has a $4.99 for purchase section.

Yes, you can buy $4.99 DVDs and Blu-Rays at a video store, but those titles are far from new. A skip or two in "Suicide Girls Must Die" did not affect that film too much (as I predicted), but the stakes should be higher for "Rambo: Last Blood". On sale for $9.99 for a week (I would not be surprised if longer.), I thought purchasing it to ensure quality was a worthwhile gamble.

It has been 10 years since John Rambo had returned to the United States from Thailand, and the ranching life seems to suit him. He is now medicated, but old habits are hard to kick as he maintains a tunnel network under the family home. If anything, his paranoia allows him to be the perfect uncle to the orphaned Gabrielle who he has groomed into an equestrian ace and a scholar.

Despite having a loving family, Gabrielle cannot shake the feeling of being unwanted. This leads her to keep in contact with her delinquent friend Gizelle in Mexico. Her hopes are that her friend maybe able to locate the father who abandoned her. Gizelle succeeds and Gabrielle heads to confront him. Of course Rambo's niece does not know that Gizelle survives by working for a human trafficking's ring. When she does not return, Rambo throws his meds away and crosses the border with bringing along a hammer and a handgun.

Will the arms Rambo brought be enough to take her back? If you are the kingpins who took her, you better hope it is. He is only trying to be a hero. If anything happens to his family, you will be the target of his wrath.

Rambo is one of the first action heroes I was aware of. Or I should say, he seemed to work the most. Harrison Ford's Indiana Jones and Han Solo played a greater part in my development, but Sylvester Stallone seemed to relish playing this role more. My first true action movie going experience was "007: The Living Daylights", but when you grow up around kids whose parents did not care what they put into the VCR, you heard from everyone else how badass Rambo was. Sorry David Morrell, but this is the Rambo I gravitated to.

I have never actually watched "First Blood" from beginning to end. Rambo not trying to kill a small town (Directly at least, fuck their economy.) meant he was a really deep character, and his speech at the end of the film told me there was an important message behind the film. It was not until my teens that I saw any of the films, and frankly, the first film felt above my comprehension (Teens do include 11, right?). When you throw this guy back into Vietnam or land him in Afghanistan to win a war, that was easy for me to understand.  No unnecessary drama, just action and a sense of a man trying to find redemption is what I watched these films for. As I grew to love ridiculous effects, the more gore an installment had, the better it was.

"Rambo: Last Blood" was not as much as a hit when compared to the fourth installment. This left me wondering if it was just a bad movie. After comparing the Rotten Tomatoes scores and not seeing much of a difference, I determined this film deserves a chance to be viewed. This just shows that we need an action movie equivalent to the Tomatoes scale to better serve us fans of gratuitous violence. Too bad "Bloody Elbows" was already taken.

"Last Blood" is a revenge film, but it makes the mistake of having the instigating issue occur until the 45-minute mark. This is not the film I was hoping for. I was not interested in Stallone replacing Neeson in terms of using their particular set of skills. Because Sylvester Stallone wants to show that Rambo is finally civilized, he does not use his special traits when he comes to the rescue. The results only further humanize him, and that is not want I want from this legend.

Also, the action is reserved for the last 15 minutes of the film. Once Rambo finally kills/brutalizes someone in the bastardized predecessors (two through four), the action feels constant. The screenplay allows us to thoroughly enjoy the climax because we want his vengeance to be obtained, but it is not the journey we wanted to take to get there. Being a member of "The Last Jedi" is, at worst, the third best "Star Wars" film camp, I appreciate that Stallone and Matthew Cirulnic tried something new with the formula by attempting to rip our hearts out emotionally, but the past formula cannot be abandoned.

A part from the story missteps, the film suffers from having few opportunities for director Adrian Grunberg to shine. Perhaps he did not have the ability to shine, but I enjoyed his previous theatrical release, "Get the Gringo", so I know he was not talentless. Again, the finale is great, but with everything beyond the Rambo Ranch scenes being shot at night with no environmental effects (rain, dust, etc.), it just feels cheap. There are some scenes that could work in Grindhouse features, but he is making a "Rambo" movie, not a "Machete" sequel, so the efforts are lost on the typical filmgoer.

To get to the goretastic finale, you must love the character of Rambo to enjoy "Last Blood". I fall into that category, but I could see a lot of people being bored with this flick and skip to the literal heart-wrenching conclusion. If only we still had FlixMix ("Boogeymen: The Killer Compilation" and "Ultimate Fights") around to remedy this situation. Could you imagine a compilation film composed of the best scenes from films that might not be worth your time? Now "That's Entertainment."

9-Gag - We Can Relate.

https://9gag.com/gag/a8y74xY