2.5-Hour Double Feature - "The Velocipastor" and "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To"

 

 *Blog post started on December 10, 2020. "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To" review is from 2009.

 

 "The Velocipastor" is a film so set on being a B-movie, you admire its audacity to do so. It is a fun 70 minutes about a priest cursed by a Chinese dinosaur "tooth" who, a long with Carol the pre-med, pre-law hooker, takes on the challenge of Catholic drug-dealing ninjas.

 

"It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To": The Catalyst for "Main Event of the Dead".

I suppose some credit should go to Christopher R. Mihm's "It Came from Another World" and of course the Drunken Zombie Deadly Double Features where I saw these films. The point is, when you see a bunch of amusing pictures that were made by a bunch of friends gathering together to make a thing, regardless of how nonexistent a budget was, why would you not think that you could do the same. Thus, I went from writing an indie flick about blueprints for my in ring wrestling return to what I thought would be an ode to the fledgling Peoria's wrestling scene.

This idea was over at Richard's on Main St. (i.e. the middle aged). Too bad the Pekin kids and Southside stoners never went out to the bars. Social media was also something that was not a big draw for these types in the early 20-teens. The Facebook traffic picked up, but the people you wanted to immortalize would only respond to me if I was calling them out for being racist assholes or self absorbed and ignorant wrestlers (To be fair, you can accuse me of being self absorbed, but I have never gone out to ruin anyone's life or make them feel less for that.).

Needless to say, I do not think the word had ever gotten to them that there was a chance to be covered in pasty makeup and Karo Syrup. More importantly, their in ring skills were to be documented and viewed by lesser film festivals and top level indie wrestling promotions. How can you say no to promoting yourself?

That sums up the Peoria wrestling scene. It is all about friends doing favors for other friends. Who needs merit and effort when you just have to score some boys some weed, make the high ones chuckle, or just kiss ass to the biggest and most obnoxious marks? As long as you are not looking for a pay day or show ambition to make a name for yourself, you are in.

So where does my pro-wrestling zom-com stand. I am still offering treatments of the script and looking for suggestions on how to get "Main Event of the Dead" out of development hell. (email russthebus07@gmail.com). The pandemic is also hurting the project because I have no way of improving my skills or finding people who would want to get involved with this feature. Of course 2020 was the year I wanted to get away from the keyboard and find those like-minded people.

It is coming up on 10 years of trying to live and die by this script. If you want me to have a New Year's Resolution, I suppose I will get my pilot script out for an idea that has been rattling in my brain the past four years. Too bad I feel gratuitous nudity is needed. That idea prevents YouTube from allowing me those producer and director credits I have been craving.

If you do not have a budget, bare skin can make up for those shortcomings. Too bad I do not know how to add zombies into the pilot idea. It leaves me short of presenting a classic like:

"It's My Party and I'll If I Want To" (2007): The Review

 

Tom Savini's hard nipples, a comic book opening with an eight-bit motif, a budget that was seemingly solely spent on scary contact lenses, and an Elvira costume-sporting, ginger karate expert with stunt tits are what Scotchworthy Productions delivers with their Halloween-themed clusterfest, "It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To."

Sarah, a switchblade-wielding over achiever is down because it seems that all of her friends have forgotten her birthday. This is not the case because they are planning a wicked party for her at the abandoned Burkitt Manor. The mansion is infamous for the 15 murders that occurred there over the past 70 years. Little do they know that after Uncle Tom (Savini) turned the power on to the joint, evil has awoken.

"It's My Party..." story eventually gets all jumbled and, aside from the survivalism element, makes no sense once the action kicks in. Fortunately, there is plenty of gore to make all of the violence worthwhile.

Everything that Tony Wash's film has is over the top which is essential for an awesome B-Movie. Character generalizations, gratuitous nudity, and attempts to be clever: This picture knows what is is and wants to excel at.

Having not seen "Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead", this maybe the best no budget flick to have played Peoria (At least until "The Drunken Zombie International Film Festival" brought us the Soska Sisters' debut feature "Dead Hooker in a Trunk"). As long as you can deal with the low body count, "It's My Party and I'll Die if I Want To" has something for every fan of B-Movie horror. Rarely, do all the bloody pieces fit so well.

 

19 Awful(ly Funny) Horror Movie Titles - Buzzfeed

 

 

NinetyForChill dot Com: The Podcast - Episode 5: Welcome To the Friend Zone - Biblical Style

 Films Researched for this Episode: Paradise Hills (2019).

NinetyForChill.com: The Podcast

Episode 5: Welcome To the Friend Zone - Biblical Style

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 After successfully predicting the Super Bowl on FanDuel, I am definitely in the position to afford the subscription fees to a podcast hosting platform. Thus, a square logo is needed to fit on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher apps. Above was the best I could immediately come up with. If anyone wants to clean up this concept or have a better one to offer, drop me russthebus07@gmail.com an email and I would be happy to discuss obtaining that image from you.

Is the podcast ready to be migrated to a different platform, not after this week failing to work out the way I wanted. There are people that can be called out in terms of offers and lack of replies when called upon to deliver, but I digress. Also, my uniqueness as a Russ Stevens is lacking. Below is the first image that comes up that represents me when I am Google image search.

This also means I need to take on a different moniker. It looks like "The Scoop" Stevens is the leading nominee. Promoting myself as Cool Movies (CM) Darth seems to be a flirtation with disaster and others with the name Russ Staley had approached me in regards to using that wrestling moniker. I suppose I could just go back to the RC gimmick (The Single-A Saint).

Fortunately, the next episode has a guest and an awesome premise (Sub 100-minute) Henry Rollins, so expect a return to form.

As for this episode, Ally from Ally's Accessories Shop on Etsy visited her/our cat Skimble and had a story about people food ruining the trail of cats left in her wake. People food and Skimble's expectations of partaking in dairy products lead to me wanting to discuss the Milla Jovovich/Emma Roberts feature "Paradise Hills" and his efforts to get his share of Ben & Jerry's Netflix & Chilled.

From there, Ally provides us with some reading suggestions and an update on her shop. I get to go off on some tangents about Robert Rodriguez's "Alita: Battle Angel" and pregnancy horror movies like "Snatchers". We also discuss why cats are so often horror movie victims. There is also my Super Bowl prediction that I willed into existence. You are welcome Tom Brady.

I definitely earned that $275. There was an accidental deposit trying to set up my account. To get the money moved around, my ice scraper was destroyed, I had to fill up my tire where I dropped my wallet and had to back track to obtain. Of course there was a near miss accident. The work was put in.

This is only a 20-minute episode. If you want to just get to the movie chat, below is my YouTube play list of these three features. I think Ally is interesting enough to give 11 minutes to. As for me...I am worried about the Friend Zone chat. You be the judge.

90-Min. HBO Max - "The Losers"...Are the One's Expecting Vertigo Comics to be Treated Right

  Productivity in the Time of Lockdown: 20 Questions

My back is in shambles. It could be standing for 18 hours over the retailers Black Friday sales and moving large and awkward boxes. It could be old age (I have had this injury since I was 16, so more than have my life). It could be the evil of my subconscious wanting to get some familiar sympathy from my immediate family that is dealing with a COVID outbreak. No, I have not called my folks to plead for advice on how to deal with it.

This is probably nerve damage because it turns out that sitting directly on the heating pad seemed to provide me with some relief. I tried to lay down, but how would I have been able to distract myself with 2010's "The Losers", a film that must have thought the moderate success of the R-Rated, Jeffery Dean Morgan starring "Watchmen" could translate into PG-13 gold. Since Morgan is known best for characters whose murders all revolve around pregnancy, the result seems easy to predict.

The Losers (2010)

Colonel Clay is the head of an elite special ops unit that takes on a mission that is way too easy for their skill set. All they had to do was laser tag a drug lord's Bolivian home so that it can be bombed by the air force. It suddenly becomes complicated when they find 25 child drug mules being dropped off at the hacienda, only eight minutes before the air strike. An attempt to abort the mission is made, but instead of your standard higher up responding, a man named Max tells them he knew about the collateral damage in a gloating fashion.

The team goes on and rescues all the kids before the contact. Clay also kills the drug lord but before that, the villain warns him about Max and his intentions. This warning reigns true after the team loads the kids on to their extraction helicopter. A fighter jet shoots the chopper down, killing all on board. Since it was suppose to be our heroes, they determine it is best to throw their dog tags into the wreckage knowing that they will be hunted down otherwise.

Three months later, the team is losing hope that they can ever return to the States. Clay's lieutenant, Rogue, believes that his leader's intention to avenge the deaths and their expulsion is going to keep them where they are. This means he is very skeptical when Clay introduces the team to Aisha, a wanted woman who offers to bankroll a mission to bring Max down. He can be skeptical, but when you have lost everything, you have to take on any gamble. What do you have to lose?

When you start a film with an assault that is reminiscent of the first action sequence in "Predator" and then kill 25 kids, your feature needs to reach for that R-Rating. Instead, "The Losers" is an effort to be an edgy comic book feature through innuendo. Violence and morally flexible heroes are what brought me to the feature, so it is sad to find a bad special effects feature where the heroes will do no wrong.

The direction shows the limitations of this project. Brutal violence is only implied so that mom and pop can bring their kids to it. This does not work because when you see the action that is going to be taken only to pull away while the carnage is delivered, the cold and clever characters are left toothless. If we are watching "The Losers" when "The A-Team" is coming out two month later, we want a brutal version of that concept. When you cast the most morally reprehensible superhero to date as your lead, what else are we to expect?

The script also fails to work with the runtime. At first, I was enjoying the jump from action scene to action scene, but once the feature slows down to try and force a chemistry-lacking romance and leave us with a questionably motivated Idris Elba as Rogue, the pacing falls apart. This led me to think that the challenges for the Losers needed to be more complex, "Mission Impossible" like sequences as a reward for the phoned in exposition. Instead, you get CGI explosions and toned down "Die Hard" deaths.

Speaking of phoned in, some of the actors are guilty of that. I may have to rewatch "The Reaping" (I may, but I will not.) to see if this was the first disappointing Idris Elba performance. When you see how his character's story arc resolves, you can understand why. Zoe Saldana seems to just push through the need to be interested in the more rugged and older Morgan, but if the script will not be subtle with developing chemistry, force is all you have.

It is a pity that the script resulted in these lackluster performances because Chris Evans finds the perfect medium between Captain America and Ransom from "Knives Out" in terms of snarkiness while Columbus Short and Oscar Jaenada round off the comedic elements of the team well. Jason Patric and Holt McCallany also have a great villain relationship and are both going for broke knowing that the audience will want to see that.

"The Losers" has some fun performances but cannot overcome the production having no clue about how to sell this idea. It promises to cram in a lot of darker comic book elements into a 97-minute package, but believing the potential audience would be cut in half, backs down on everything it proposes. After "The Boys" and that year's "Kick Ass" bad boys are allowed to do bad things. But with this failure, "The Losers" is just a lost opportunity to give us a grounded "Deadpool" tale.

Cursing: The Cubs, Soccer Planet, and "Lost and Delirious"

The Losers - IMPAwards

NinetyForChill dot Com: The Podcast - Episode 4: Capital B-Fest and Capital C*-Fest

Films Researched for the Episode: Antisocial (2013).

NinetyForChill.com: The Podcast

Episode 4: Capital B-Fest and Capital C*-Fest

*Cronenberg

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And of course the text layout makes it look like I meant the actual capital C-word. So went the production of this episode.

The initial plan for this episode was just to get some quips from previous guests Ally from AllysAccessoriesShop on Etsy and Letterboxd's ThePoeticCritic. In other words, I did not have a new guest lined up. If you want to chat about sub 100-minute movies for 35 minutes over Zoom, shoot an email to russthebus07@gmail.com.

It was supposed to be as simple as press play in Audacity and get 20 or so minutes of us chatting about movies. The laptop was opened and the mic was out, so neither should have been caught by surprised, but I just started recording. And then...

ThePoeticCritic became more laser focused than I have seen her and gave me over an hour of material. Oh how the tables had turned.

 

This seems to be the only promotional material B-Fest.com had to offer.

 

I cannot say that my older sister is overly empathetic, but damn can she be passionate, especially towards her friends and their pandemic plight.

The first weekend of February is usually the weekend of B-Fest, an annual 24-hour movie marathon of the finest B-movies that are available to the students and staff at Northwestern University in Evanston, IL. Being in Chicagoland, her friends from all over the country would fly in to take part in this extended:

audience-participation version of an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000; viewers are encouraged to voice their opinions of onscreen events, especially if such comments provide entertainment for the other festival attendees. (B-Fest.com)

Big sis has yet to attend the festival, and with the current state of world affairs, romanticizing any nerdy gathering cannot be helped. The result of this is her giving us quite the oral history of an event she has only dreamed about. If we do not get our shit together about COVID-19, she can only dream about shouting out her original riffs towards Ed Wood's "Plan 9 From Outer Space".

Take it from experience, one can only dream so much before that dream becomes a chip on one's shoulder. Christian teachings (not practices) and Eastern philosophies has kept me from flinging that boulder at the world, but my sister has never attended a martial arts class to develop that discipline. I would hate to see her go Cobra Kai on some anti-maskers who denies her the simple pleasures and escapes.

Fortunately, she has not finished the Stuart Gordon and David Cronenberg filmographies, so she can still maintain a cinematic zen-like state. We explore Gordon's work like every movie podcast should and take an even deeper dive into Cronenberg's "The Fly". We even ebate whether "A History of Violence" is more heartwarming than the Goldblum flick.

To further the length of this podcast, Ally lets me bullshit with her about cinema and life. That went on for 10-minutes, so I cut the cat and tat chat from this pod's intro. But who does not want to hear about cats destroying condos? Stick around till after David Tenant calls for a "Woo Hoo" to get all of the Realtek audio.

I think it sounds alright (thanks Audacity), I just need to be a little more attentive to the input setting to assure that Blue quality is what I provide every week. Thanks for your patience.

An Inadvertant Jeff Goldblum Shrine and the Under Appreciated "New Mutants"

  *Blog post started on January 12, 2020.

And of course the podcast drop ruins the blog dropping schedule. I cannot really add additional NinetyForChill.com posts once the latest podcast is released. Cannot have visitors scrolling to find the play button.

In case you have not heard about the first episode of "NinetyForChill dot Com: The Podcast" finally dropping. Feel free to hit play below to hear "Ally's Abbreviated Anime Adventure".

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The next problem that the podcast has presented me with is that I promised to address a 90-minute movie that I had rented the night I finished producing the last episode. Needless to say, the visceral review for "The New Mutants" was a necessity for the next episode. Do I retread that feature with a written review?

There are a lot more podcasting issues. Right now, I am waiting on my older sister to listen to the first episode to determine if her reputation would be besmirched if she was to be the the next guest. It is tough for me to comprehend. Not that she wants to make sure she will not humiliate herself. My initial pitch was a Jeff Goldblum theme, and she is the Jurassic Jeff Jezebel. All this pitch does for me is force myself to watch "Mad Dog Time"...or "The Fly" since Ally and I gave "Videodrome" some love last week. Which seems cooler:

 

Mad Dog Time (1996)

Jeff Goldblum, National Arm Wrestling Champ '86 - IMGUR

 

Too bad I do not mean to post this blog till tomorrow (I think). This homage to the Tyrannosaurus Pecs may have sold big sis on doing the pod. Why do I always fail to think of the bribery angle?

 

Speaking about bribery, there was an article that I came across discussing how Disneyland will become a mass-vaccination site for COVID-19. Everybody loves the Disney parks. Get a shot, hop on "The Jungle Cruise". Why was this not the Federal response to begin with? I guess Big Mouse was never a fan of Big Orange.

 

If only we had the vaccine options this summer. You could go to the movies, get a shot with your popcorn, and give Christopher Nolan the respect he deserves (I guess. After his "Batman" sequels and "Interstellar", I get a pretentious vibe from him.).

 

It would have worked out for Disney. If the concept of an "X-Men" horror movie was not going to sell you on seeing "The New Mutants", perhaps protection from the premier plague would.

 

The New Mutants (2020; 1 hour 34 minutes)

Dani Moonstar wakes up handcuffed to a bed. Her last memories were seeing her reservation devastated by some monstrous beast. The first person she meets upon waking is Dr. Reyes. Reyes seems a compassionate person, which makes immediately telling Dani that it was a tornado that devastated her people and that she was the sole survivors a little bit easier.

On top of this, she is told that they discovered she was a mutant when they rescued her. This is news to Dani and what makes things more frustrating is that she is presumed dangerous. Because of this, her new home is a hospital for new mutants who need to be taught to control their powers. Her fellow patients all carry similar emotional damage, having hurt someone once they discovered their powers. There attitudes may also be affected by the force fields that ensure they cannot leave the facility.

With this stigma, it is tough to see them end up becoming heroes, but if they follow Reyes's treatment plan, the doctor suggests that they can move on to Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. Once Dani had arrived though, they may not get a chance to finish the treatment. At night, all of the kids are experiencing past nightmares based on their power manifestations, but in the flesh. This could be a means for them to find out what really is going on at this facility. Reyes is so focused on realizing Dani's powers, it is the ideal time to snoop around for secrets.

"The New Mutants" is a great PG-13 horror movie. It may have benefited from an R-Rating when it comes to some of the trauma the kids had experienced in the past and to flush out the romantic relationships, but that could also mean it just needed a longer runtime.

Unlike previous films in the "X-Men" franchise, there are not any break out characters. This might be the biggest reason that critics and fans felt let down by this feature. If you just watch it as an 80's horror film with a disposable cast, it works out well. Break out performances would have lead to screams for Disney to keep this portion of the franchise alive, but I feel the references to films like "Logan" allows it to fit into the X-Men Universe and reason enough to continue pursuing this mutant line up. This is an origin story that I think could only be improved upon.

I felt that the dream monsters element allowed it to feel a bit like the original "A Nightmare on Elm Street." It definitely is not on the same level because there is not a charismatic antagonist from the nightmares (though Alice Braga as Reyes works as a conflicted villain). Fortunately, having a diverse team of characters gives it more range in terms of victims to antagonize, something Wes Craven's series lacked.

On the flip side, the character diversity can come across as ridiculous. The non-white characters are represented well. As for the English actors trying to give this film a multi national flare: "Game of Throne's" Maisie Willliams has a Scottish accent (Adrian Paul it is not.). "The Queen's Gambit's" Anna Taylor-Joy has a Russian accent (Halle Berry eventually gave up the West African accent for Storm.). "Stranger Thing's" Charlie Heaton tries a southern accent (It comes of as any random Brit trying an American accent.). This all comes across as tacky, but it is a horror film, so it is excusable.

There is nothing exceptional about "The New Mutants", but it works as a brief full-length feature. Curse the studio interference because I would have loved to see what the original product was. It does an excellent job of playing up horror movie tropes while maintaining the fun vibe of an "X-Men" film that works (so not "X-Men III", "Apocalypse", or "X-Men Origins"). It is probably a certainty that "Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness" will do all of this better, but with a year to wait on that, "The New Mutants" is the darker Marvel movie I needed after an overly charming "Spider-Man."