I guess there are films that feature Vinnie Jones that I do not want to see. This is my latest discovery thanks to a month (Summer 2009) of trying to dedicate more time to renting instead of buying DVDs.
"Bog Body (Legend of the Bog)" seems to be too Syfy Original for my taste (With a pre-WWE Sheamus in the film, I thought it was a fair assumption. It was not that ridiculous), and "Strike" starring Tara Reid must be wretched. You cannot bill Reid and expect a film to work. It only took E! one season to figure that out. The point is, unlike "X-Men: The Last Stand", "Hell Ride" and "Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins Ball", Vinnie's presence has no chance of making these films worthwhile.
The lack of any Vinnie-tastic flair in the new releases leaves me going through the two-for-one dollar section at Family Video to find something interesting. Who knew Christopher Lambert has a movie that started with the Letter A? Sorry, I must have blocked "Adrenalin" from my mind. Come on. I cannot be the only one to think the "Species" chick was going to have a career outside of the series?
I still approach "Absolon" with some discretion. Lou Diamond Philips is no Ice Tea (Albert Pyun's "Mean Guns") and Canadian sci-fi is always an iffy investment (David Cronenberg's "Shivers" and "The Brood", regardless of opinion, can attest to that statement.) All it took was the director of my favorite Bond film, (and nudity from that film's Bond girl) to buy a 25 cent VHS copy of "Point Men" starring Lambert. That investment worked out, so I should have a little fate in the premier "Highlander".
And, you cannot say no to Ron Perlman. I have tried.
I did end up renting "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" and I sat through "Rats" on USA. You cannot mock those decisons if you are patient with Bruce Campbell, so how can this decision backfire? Christopher Lambert plus another above Bruce-lister should equal cinematic joy. "Absolon" fits the equation and fifty cents seemed like a fair price.
In 2010 (take that 2012), a virus wiped out five billion people and led to the collapse of all the economies around the world. No cure for NDS (neural degeneration syndrome) could be found, but a drug called Absolon was developed which would allow for individuals to live a normal life with the disease.
Absolon also led to a currency to revive economies. People are paid in time. If one runs out of time, they no longer get the drug, so poverty becomes a death sentence.
The man who discovered NDS and Absolon was murdered and his research stolen. Det. Scott (Lambert) is assigned the case. When he discovers that the victim had found a cure for the virus, he becomes the target of the World Justice Department. To make matters worse, the victim's lab assistant had inoculated him with the first half of the cure's formula. If he wants to save himself, and the world, he must find the other half of the cure in the next three days.
Writer Brad Mirman has had some good ideas, but they are not enough to produce a great final project. It seems a bit criminal that his final drafts get put on film. I say that because the scripts for "Absolon" and two other Christopher Lambert films he wrote could make for some great B-movies.
With the frequency of bad flicks, it seems like we cannot hold the music video director who take on his projects back. Mirman may just be trying to give them a break into a new format. This is a pretty scary concept. To believe there is someone out there who wonders, "What would Russell McCauly do?", I would prefer not.
And when I said some good ideas earlier, that means a premise for a film. After that, his desperation attacks all five senses with poor attempts at plot twists and ripping off lines from other Lambert films in an effort to get his trademarked laughs in to the script to make up for the lack of any effort to lighten the mood.
Speaking of ripping off Lambert's "Highlander" legacy, Director David Barto grabs a fight scene from one of them. That fight scene is the elderly McLeod versus the punks from "Highlander 2". To his credit, he knew how to recreate it on the cheap. Until the climatic one-on-one battle with Lou Diamond Phillips, that is the complaint one can have with the direction. This serves as an indication that Barto does not have the patience to direct a film since his background is storyboard artistry.
I might have to pop "Blade II" into the DVD player before I can say he was not trying. The disc may have some of his boards hidden with the bonus material. It would distress me to find out that he is not into delivering detail to his work. But when the future only means fluorescent hair highlights for the girls in "Absolon", why would we think otherwise.
As for the direction of the climax, it only seems that he was so focused on showing us how very small elements will determine the outcome, and thus loses track of the simple punch, punch, trip, nut shot action. If we had learned anything from the days of 80's action, continuity can be ignored for the sake of enjoyment.
If there is one thing that is good about "Absolon" is that the script does not challenge any of the actors. Phillips can be the hip Chicano, Perlman can be the just pick one of his memorable roles of the oughts (Hellboy, Reinhardt from "Blade II", his sniper from "Enemy at the Gate") and not even put in a whole day on set, and Lambert is Lambert.
The only person who has difficulty with their role is Kelly Brook as the English Dr. Claire Whittaker. It may have been that she was too young for the role (i.e. Denise Richards as Christmas Jones in "007: The World is Not Enough"), but she does not deliver any dialogue with conviction. Just because Ron, Chris and Lou do not have to, does not mean you are excused.
Then, she did have to do a love scene with a man she is half the age of. This was when I finally got pissed at the rental. You got to be at least an A-lister to get away with that. Sorry Christopher, I got to finally call bullshit.
"Absolon lacks the heart and script to overcome its disease. Christopher Lambert and Ron Perlman did not let me down with their efforts, just their decision making. That goes for anyone who decided to drag something out of a script that is only as good as its outline.
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