*Blog post started on April 13, 2020.
It
turns out my supposed wealth of rediscovered content may be for not.
The memo pad I am transcribing right now has many movie reviews, and
they all seem prepared for publication in the ICC Harbinger. When I look
at how long it can take to get through an article from The Ringer
(granted they use a much larger font), these are not nerdy website
ready. They work great for 2002, the year of my web designer
certification, but I cannot stay so far behind the times.
Here's to Verdana as maineventofthedead.com's
official font. I imagine that could add another 15 pages to my
pro-wrestling zom-com "Main Event of the Dead". If you have any
suggestions on getting the production out of development hell, or if you
want a treatment of this no-to-low budget film, feel free to email
russthebus07@gmail.com.
The
first review I transcribed was for the Brian Cox prison break movie
"The Escapist", so I feel that I cannot really release it until I come
up with another jail movie or a very British flick. Unfortunately, since
Rutger Hauer cannot deliver a British accent, "Split Second" does not
qualify.
I
would like to get my review for "The Damn United" out this week, so I
suppose I could tack "The Escapist" on to that and still not seem overly
long. It just sucks that the blog was titled ""The
Damn United" - A Real Life Jay & Silent Bob on the Pitch". "The
Escapist" blog was typed up Friday which means that I may have wasted a
Saturday with Pokémon, naps and "Tiger King". That could have made for a
good Sunday due to the conclusion of Joe Exotic's story, but compare
the Netflix series to a "Tron" marathon, "Thor Ragnarok" and
"Westworld", we can all agree on what sounds better.
Split Second - 1992
By
2008, global warming has left London's streets below the water table.
With the United States still refusing to do anything about climate
change, let alone pollution, the air is so congested with smog that the
world is in a state of near constant night. Needless to say, when you
create the same environment as "Highlander 2: The Quickening", the
people of the world will go nuts. Fortunately for the people of London,
Detective Harley Stone has been that way since his partner was murdered
by a heart-ripping serial killer who he seems to have a psychic link to.
The
London Police Service frowns on a little chocolate donut and
coffee-fueled cannon-toting member of the force to be out on his own, so
they assign him an Oxford-educated rookie in Dick Durkin to be his
partner. Durkin is fascinated by the preemptive knowledge that Stone has
and thinks that with his education will crack the case. That all falls
apart after the killer attacks Stone's girlfriend Michelle. She
survives, but the DNA the attacker left contains that of sewer rats and
all of its past victims. Take that in consideration with the wounds and
Satanic messages it leaves, Durkin and Stone both determine they are
going to need bigger guns.
"Split
Second" aspires to be a Roger Corman film, but has no idea what would
be the best film(s) to rip off. Decisions on where the film should be
taken seems to change after every scene. It seems like it starts as
"Cobra", then the latter half of "Lethal Weapon 2", and ultimately
"Alien". You can even throw in some "Tango and Cash" and "Remo
Williams".
If
the actors did not acknowledge with their performances how stupid the
film is, it would be unwatchable. The worst offense the film commits is
wasting Peter Postlethwaite to be an additional person for Rutger Hauer
to bully. A lesser offense would be Kim Cattral deciding not to commit
to a British accent (She may have just needed 20 years of practice because it is acceptable in "The Ghost Writer".).
With Hauer failing to attempt a British accent, one may assume that
they decided to try and make the film not seem to be British. If it
worked in "Lifeforce", why would it not here?
Saying
that this film is what would happen if "Lifeforce" and "Highlander 2"
had a baby would be accurate, except the direction is totally lacking.
That is quite a feat to fail worse than Russell Mulcahy. Since the
camera hardly moves and there are only two action sequences, there seems
to be no effort made. With a lack of clever dialogue, Tony Maylam
cannot claim to be ahead of "The Office" in terms of this style. The
climax is a bit clunky, but fun since the actors approach had not
changed and "Blade" director Stephen Norrington's quickly produced
"Alien" knock off monster fits in to the mood. It is the only scene that
works, and the credits explicitly tell you Ian Sharp was the director
responsible.
What
really hurts the legacy of "Split Second" is that it is too aware of
its silly nature. This means I would not suggest the Rifftrax crew to
give it their time. This could work as a "How Did This Get Made" podcast
because you can experience it, but not have to get involved in
improving it. You can be amused by the mediocrity, but maybe it is
better for this one to be lost. Rutger Hauer has worked with Albert Pyun
in the past, so we can afford to edit his filmography for his legacy
sake.
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