Hellbinders: Made for Rental Gold

 I may have to return to just trying to locate the an image for the movie for the film "Hellbinders" since Darthmaul.net is a lousy site, but if this cool visage sold "The Phantom Menace," it should sell my movie review...right?

Looking back on the past month, I'm about two to four blogs short, and I've got a slow start on October. Wouldn't have been the case if the dive I stayed out in Brookefield for Shimmer weekend had WiFi.

Actually they did, but at an hourly-rate placed, I'd feel like a dork asking how to access it. I'd probably got the, it's channel 49 response. My cynicism would have led me to reply with some Banky quotes from "Chasing Amy." We can see where this rant is going.

The point is it would have allowed me to beat the AAW website to posting the results of their show with a more editorial fashion. Damn broadband, web surfers do not have to read anything anymore when you can just post a Youtube video that loads immediately. It is a culture that makes me wonder if ICC's newspaper still makes it to newsprint.

Will we get to the review? I suppose I better. How interesting can my tails about four days of drinking and being social in an attempt to overcome being cock blocked by a Berwyn chicks daddy issues? It is just a fleeting concept (back to the "Amy" wrap around).

The stories I tell because my life is a soccer game (a more tasking activity than raining down sulfur). There is not much scoring, but when it happens, you go nuts.

Lets get away from the pregame, and to the movie review - Hellbinders: Made for Rental Gold.

The Billy Drago school of acting presents a celebration of faux hawks, monks in brown hoodies and MS Comic Sans font. Welcome to "A 1000 Ways to Die: The Bumpers: The Movies."

It is filed under H with the title "Hellbinders."

Max (Ray "Darth Make Up" Parks) is a mercenary who leads his team into a battle with a satanic cult. What was supposed to be a police-funded eradication is complicated when his comrades souls are taken over by Onis that have escaped from the fallen cult members. The only reason Max can escape is that he is immune to demonic coherence. Will he survive long enough for us to find out how?

MoviesDB.co.uk

Fortunately, a ninja (the second black Power Ranger...the lion and the frog) and the 700 year old last Templar show up to lead him on the path to redemption and ketchup-covered pancakes (that is not cheap special effect slang).

"Hellbinders" is an awesome midnight movie. Superior than any Syfy original, but maintains the same charm. Digital bullets, no squibs or blanks, and something for every horror make up fan to enjoy. If it did not revel it it cheapness, this could have worked on even more levels.

The script does hinder the story a bit. It does try a little too much to include religious chaos. Good thing it uses comic book frames for every scene transition, so you do not have to give much attention to the plot's attempts to be clever.

There is some sly dialogue and the director(s) try their best to capture the action. If you are making a cheap movie, it's good to know how to use camera tricks. It compensates for hindrances likes only having one light to brighten the scene. The team knows how to make this no budget film presentable and it is B-movie gold.

Ridiculous script, hokey effects, and over-the-top performances; the only thing limiting "Hellbinders" replay value is a lack of nudity. This is how B-movies should be made. Limitations are known and accepted; and any wise audience can appreciate this film that has a genuine Darth Maul performance.