90 Min Netflix: Spawn - Highlander 2 without Pratical...Anything

I cannot seem to help myself from being stretched too thin. Hence my sleep patterns are proper shagged, and not being able to keep up on the dirt sheets is adding to my stress. In other words, "Not feeling attentive enough to fully appreciate the finale of "The Defenders"" would be my Facebook status if I chose to focus on that social network.

This is where I think your mind must be to revisit "Spawn", a film so bad that IMDb decided to post a trailer for the HBO animated series on its page instead. At least, if you are a declared film experts (by two Illinois Central College instructors), that would be your mental state. Then there is me, a person who skipped this one 20 years ago despite knowing it was a financial success. That success might mean there was something to it beyond the memorable soundtrack.

If only I had remembered that there were no good John Leguizamo movies from the 1990's, "Spawn" would have never been in my queue.

Does "Spawn" really need a plot synopsis? The mentor character of Cogliosta constantly explains all the events of the first two acts in third person. Act three puts Martin Sheen in the crosshairs of Spawn, his former top government assassin whom he sent to hell in exchange to rule the world. If Spawn kills him, he is obligated to lead the army of Hell against the forces of Heaven. If he does not, he will be tormented by Leguizamo's Jim Carrey impersonation, a clown that can transform into a giant skeleton of a gremlin. Can Spawn buck his destiny? With the help of a reborn Crusader, a homeless kid, and his toy dog Spaz, Armageddon may have to wait.

It feels like Michael Jae White's debut, "The Toxic Avenger 2" had better special effects. Feels is being polite. The Toxie mask did allow the protagonist to speak. When you have CGI, you have no reason for a devil with less hair than Animal the Muppet not to move his mouth when he speaks.

Especially when this balding coyote has the voice of Goro from the "Mortal Kombat" movie. That was also a Newline Cinema film as well from at least a year prior. If that monster turned out will, how in the hell did this get made? Guess I will have to go dig through Paul Sheer podcasts for that answer.

I would like to believe it was all the guaranteed money Ted Turner's WCW was offering to WWF mid carders to warrant FX shortcomings, but the fire effects in the "Monday Nitro" logo were more realistic than the Sega 32X-CD flames that made up "Spawn's" Hell. Surely some corporate synergy could have made a visually acceptable first level of damnation.

How could anyone sit through this entire film in 1997? The only redeeming qualities are the efforts that White and Leguizamo put into this. You cannot sell that to anyone, unless you go for the DVD market or have White in an afro. All I can figure is that it was a PG-13 comic book movie, so irresponsible parents dropped off their preadolescent boys at the multiplex as they watch a few Harrison Ford delivered F-bombs via "Air Force One". With head shots (the violent kind) and a walking French fry as a lead, the feature the birthers got to watch could not have been as traumatic to the youngsters who had to endure "Spawn".

I did not see "Spawn" in the theater. If I had at 17, this review would be just as harsh (and eloquent based on the success of my "Neon Genesis Evangelion" fansite). This film is like watching a video game without any cut scenes, thus we have more characters constantly explaining the events in the film than "Highlander 2" or "Divergent: Allegiant" instead of coherent dialogue. Mom would have received my first stream of obscenities if she left me and my little brother at this picture that is worse than "Freddie Got Fingered".

After all the thought I had put into this review, I have zero chill and a new respect Coleman Francis. Never have I been more angered by a film than I have by "Spawn". Stupidity is forgivable. Stupidity with a $60 million gross pays for an express ticket to a painful afterlife. Can an atheist be more poignant?

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Starccade and Road Warriors: The Disgruntled's Real World Tag Team Championship

THIS IS A VACANT-FREE LIST. SORRY FOR CHOOSING NOT TO ACKNOWLEDGE SPORT'S MOST PROLIFIC CHAMPION.

Beyond wrestling, Vacant has held titles in multiple weight classes in both mixed martial arts and boxing as well as men collegiate sports championships like the 2004 NCAA Division One Football title.

Why the American Wrestling Association Existed:

The National Wrestling Alliance allowed territories to call their top tag team prize "the world championship", so the national and hence international interest was ignored. The World Wide Wrestling Federation fooled around with multiple tag team championships before it became the one best remembered by Demolition's title reign. This is the one place where Verne Gagne had something that the rest of the American wrestling scene did not offer. And it could be said that the belts may have been regional, but this was the first major title the Road Warriors won and where the Road Warrior Pop was born.

1st Real World Tag Team Champions:

AWA's Sheiks (Jerry Blackwell and Ken Patera) - 11/24/1983 to 5/6/84

On November 24, 1983, Ric Flair had won the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. This was the last reign before Hulkamania was born thus the (my) national acknowledgment of different promotions. The Wild Samoans may be better remembered than The Sheiks, but this list is building to the Road Warriors, and this was the groundwork.

Everything Started with Starrcade:

It should be stated that Starccade (11/24/1983) rebooted wrestling for the modern age. Possibly the greatest in ring performer, Ricky Steamboat, became one half of the last remaining NWA World Tag Team Championships that night. If he did not choose to temporarily retire, the AWA is nothing but a footnote in pro-Wrestling.

Starrcade was essentially the first Pay-Per-View, so the inevitable format on how promotions will run hence forth was set here. It really shows us that wrestling did not need Vince McMahon to be what it is today.

Check out the rest of the blog at the "Rip 'Em System" tumblr along with the subtext of "No Holds Barred."

"Mutant Chronicles": A Possible "Highlander" Sequel Prototype

The title either screams television pilot or an "X-Men" rip off. Is it a coincidence that it came out during the same summer of "Origins: Wolverine"?

"Mutant Chronicles" at least promises the viewers a better cast and no Ryan Reynolds (an actor who had no credibility until "Deadpool"). Also, this cast seems fitting for a sci-fi title. It has Ron Perlman with his primitive look, John Malkovich's eccentricities, and Devon Aoki capitalizing of being the weird Asian chick. The odd one is Thomas Jane and his lack of cinematic success, but when you are the star of "Hunk", your resume screams made-for-video gold.

Since this DVD is distributed by Magnolia, it will either be a stylized indie look at the apocalypse or what happens when a label needs some mainstream material for previews to attach A-tier releases. Someone will win with "Mutant Chronicles". Let us hope that it will be the viewer.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies

90-Minute Redbox: Hotel Artemis for Dogs

If only Myspace could be viewed in its original beauty. It would allow me to see how prolific I was in blogging when the dancers at Big Al's declared me the most intellectual man in Peoria.

Do I miss 2007 to 2009? Thank the gods for cats or the time between then and now would be a wash. Unfortunately for me, I kind of have their attitude, so needless to say, it would be a while till much got done to correct myself.

You end up at the iHotel where the employees who were there from day one to hear "If Mr. Fox sees you using downtime to write or study, you would be fired." No bumps and no ranting. It almost makes not realizing that they had given you two weeks of vacation time a fair exchange to take a less stressful hotel job.

The lesson here is not to think about your past when you already nailed down your movie review's blog title. You are left with only having, "that hotel may have been stressful, but not as much as the one Jodie Foster was manning," as your "smooth" transition to one of 2018's attempt to capture Quentin Tarantino's too hip vibe, "Hotel Artemis."

Hotel Artemis

Two brothers' bank heist is hindered by no one knowing how to break into or open the safe. With the water riots consuming Los Angeles, the rich are just trying to make sure their ill-begotten goods are secure. This leads the brothers to decide to settle on whatever goods disgruntled errand runners are willing to part with, including a fountain pen full of canary diamonds that the younger brother decides to take with him despite the warning of its courier.

It must have been cursed because upon leaving, the riot cops find that they are a better target to engage leaving one member of the crew dead and the other three suffering from wounds, the little brother critically. Fortunately, despite having been retired, the elder brother has kept up his membership dues with the Hotel Artemis, LA's premiere criminal emergency room, so they should be able to get fixed up and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Now Waikiki and Honolulu upon checking in, Waikiki finds out there may be too many variables to survive the night. His ex-flame Nice, the premier hitwomen in the world, is obviously on a job, but we do not know the target. It is never good to have a coked up arms dealer with a never sunny disposition around, and the son of the Wolfking of Los Angeles is locking the place down to ensure that his wounded dad will not be turned away.

Everest is a beefed up health care professional and guardian whose talents operates both ways, but if the Wolfking finds out Honolulu has his diamonds, the no weapon policy may not be enough to allow any of the nurse's patients to get out alive. The nurse is also trying to save the life of a cop does not help matters. All the house rules will be broken, but that is what was bound to happen when you only care for rule breakers.

With a list of real tag team and women's champions already documented, perhaps trying to find the "Reservoir Dogs" knock off each year should be my next project. I will have to get around to "Bad Times at the El Royale" but until then, Drew Pearce's directorial debut "Hotel Artemis" gets to at least claim firsties for the title.

Pearce's feature either had actors who did not want to have fun or a script that was too focused on mechanics to keep most viewers' interest. He had written "Iron Man 3" and "Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation." Both movies are enjoyable, but the construction of the stories are off compared to their predecessors. When we get to the action sequences, it is hard to know what we should be focused on and the ending leaves us with a lot of questions to what actually happened in the climax. The credits end with an invitation to return to the Hotel and a thanks for staying, but I would need extra honors point to inspire me to need those answers.

If the actors were given some witty dialogue along the way, perhaps be allowed to improvise, this would be a rewarding watch. Unfortunately, it is too involved moving the film forward (Batista, Jodie Foster and Jeff Goldblum might be too much for an hour and a half), we do not get it. Definitely a waste of a fine cast with an exception to Charlie Day who is playing his "Always Sunny" character without any meme-able lines.

I told my girlfriend about "Hotel Artemis" being another attempt to capture Tarantino's major film debut, and she responded with "why can't they let Reservoir Dogs just be Reservoir Dogs?" A proper response would be, "at least it was not a remake," but Tarantino has made us want action movies about archetypes. As long as there is that want, we are going to keep getting repackaged versions.

"Hotel Artemis" wants to have a clever story, but fails to realize that everything needs to be clever to be something we could picture Harvey Keitel in. Otherwise, release it straight to DVD the same week as "Guardians" and give Batista top bill. There is a lesson in profit.

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The Animated "Hobbit" - Wee Frustrations

"Weathering with You": Good Anime, Questionable Metaphor

*Blog entry started on January 22, 2020.

I had the idea last year (perhaps two years) about the need for Martin Luther King to go...I probably should be more careful with the openings of my blogs. The Facebook preview might give people the wrong impression. Then again, why are we still on the Trump-supporting social network anyhow?

We let Myspace die for no reason. I guess if you are upfront about personal data misuse in the name of misinformation to amuse the shrinking middle class, it is okay. At least Mark Zuckerberg is being honest.

Last year's reason why MLK day sucked, my primary job was just the retail stuff. With bullshit sales using his name, the corporation was asking people to drive through ice and freezing temperatures for discounts. I am just saying, if most people did not get a day off for the celebration, those people would be a lot safer. As for this year, my list of blogs to promote was left at the job I had the day off from.

Not having my list meant I would be behind in getting the word out by half a week. But, with the Royal Rumble being worth the $10 (If my second Paypal account cannot circumvent records about my past subscriptions of course), there will be hash tags to attach my good name to through Sunday. It seems the good Doctor King is warranted a paid day off.

As for the weekend itself, there was not too much to complain about. Having that paid day off insured the retailer could not work me into submission, so two shifts there were fine. The weather did not keep my better quarter (Eva the Cat will always get half) and I from the cinema to see Makoto Shikai's latest feature on Sunday. And Monday was pretty chill as we went to bed thinking we had our living arrangement plans ready to be put in motion.

And on Tuesday, the girlfriend mentioned to me that she spoke of certain private elements of our relationship with her sister. I learned 12 years ago, you do not let your special partner in on the facts that your private details are being shared. You can share them, just do not make it a point that you went out of the way to embarrass the partner.

"Weathering with You" is a worthwhile anime, but a far too appropriate term to describe where my love life and living arrangements are. Thankfully, it gives me a way to quit focusing on me in this blog post.

Check out the rest of this critique at AnimeRuss.blogspot.com - For those curious about anime but hate the geeks

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90 min Family Video: "Moscow Chill": A Daryl that Deserves to Die

Going through my old college note/movie critique composition books from 11 years ago has been a somewhat masochistic experience. At this point, it has been a one to three ratio of good versus bad movies. I kind of feel like a subpar Frankenstein. Resurrection is something you really should do your damnedest not to screw up.

Is showing the clever nature of my writing worth reminding myself of wasted time and promoting bad movies?

Well, there are only so many comics to read and current thoughts to document that will kill time at what is essentially a one-hour photo of a job. There is only so much passion that I can have for being a convenience. That might not be the right attitude having just failed the test to be promoted.

At least this review should not surprise me. I had so much disdain for "Absolon" and "Equilibrium", I was shocked that I could be so harsh on clever flicks. This one was a definite lesson of where obscure fandom can take you. It is a place where you ponder if Daryl Dixon is really that cool.

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Moscow Chill

After viewing and eventually purchasing a used copy of "The Insatiable" with Sean Patrick Flannery, I think it is only fair to give a Norman Reedus movie a rent. Anyhow, I wanted to get pumped for the winter release of "The Boondock Saints II".

If my blogs that started the "Main Event of the Dead" are not an indication of how much I grew as a person since 2009, I do not know what is. Perhaps I should try and make a nontoxic masculinity cut of Troy Duffy's flick to show my potential in filmmaking. It might be the best way to get inquiries about my zombie-comedy "Main Event of the Dead". If you want a treatment of my script or have any suggestions on how to promote my B-movie about pro-wrestling and the undead, shoot me an email at russthebus07@gmail.com.

Logic (at least mine) says this transaction should work out. I liked the "Saints" and I liked Russian cinema ranging from "Battleship Potemkin" to "Night Watch" and "Day Watch", so this should work. Surely all modern directors are like Timur Bekmanbetov, and like Bekmanbetov, this movie should have vampires in some capacity. I know it has computers, so if no bloodsuckers, it could be a poor man's "Wanted".

Ray is an anarchist hacker who is stuck in rehab for his latest stunt. He can no longer use a computer for any purpose. A Russian mobster does not want to see his talents go to waste, so he is busted out and flown to Moscow. His assignment, find 40 million dollars in dirty money and funnel it into his new employer's account. As long as the original thieves do not find out, this maybe the greatest computer scam ever pulled. For the regard that comes with the title of greatest hacker, how can Ray resist?

"Moscow Chill" is nothing like its box art suggests. There are no action sequences that this film can boast about and it lacks the hip vibe that would attract someone my age to Angelina Jolie's classic "Hackers" (I have not seen "Hackers", but mid-90's zeitgeist.). If you squint, it could be compared to "War Games" due to the lack of subtle espionage, but it lacks well developed characters or humor, the latter of which the fans of Reedus know is one of his strong suits. When it takes 50 minutes for conflict to occur and there is no new character development after this point, the viewer realizes they have wasted a bowl of popcorn.

If anything, "Moscow Chill" is nothing more than a brochure to show the city's new bohemia. The film offers nothing innovative and does not even try to use the talent associated with it. It is not a painful experience, but neither was study hall.

Hellbinders: Made for Rental Gold

The Billy Drago school of acting presents a celebration of faux hawks, monks in brown hoodies and MS Comic Sans font. Welcome to "A 1000 Ways to Die: The Bumpers: The Movies."

It is filed under H with the title "Hellbinders."

Max (Ray "Darth Make Up" Parks) is a mercenary who leads his team into a battle with a satanic cult. What was supposed to be a police-funded eradication is complicated when his comrades souls are taken over by Onis that have escaped from the fallen cult members. The only reason Max can escape is that he is immune to demonic coherence. Will he survive long enough for us to find out how?

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Fortunately, a ninja (the second black Power Ranger...the lion and the frog) and the 700 year old last Templar show up to lead him on the path to redemption and ketchup-covered pancakes (that is not cheap special effect slang).

"Hellbinders" is an awesome midnight movie. Superior than any Syfy original, but maintains the same charm. Digital bullets, no squibs or blanks, and something for every horror make up fan to enjoy. If it did not revel it it cheapness, this could have worked on even more levels.

The script does hinder the story a bit. It does try a little too much to include religious chaos. Good thing it uses comic book frames for every scene transition, so you do not have to give much attention to the plot's attempts to be clever.

There is some sly dialogue and the director(s) try their best to capture the action. If you are making a cheap movie, it's good to know how to use camera tricks. It compensates for hindrances likes only having one light to brighten the scene. The team knows how to make this no budget film presentable and it is B-movie gold.

Ridiculous script, hokey effects, and over-the-top performances; the only thing limiting "Hellbinders" replay value is a lack of nudity. This is how B-movies should be made. Limitations are known and accepted; and any wise audience can appreciate this film that has a genuine Darth Maul performance.

"Equilibrium" - Christian Bale Polishes "Ultraviolet..."

...but a shiny turd is still a turd.

The difference between a good bad movie and a piece of shit is fun. Poor cinematography, bad acting, ridiculous scripts, these can call be forgiven as long as you are too busy having fun. "The Rise of Skywalker", "The Phantom Menace", and "Attack of the Clones" are films that I still enjoy because of my "Star Wars" fandom.

"Rise" has an incoherent script, but, I cannot help but  pop for the heavy-handed fan service. The second time I saw it in a theater, when I saw all the flash armada, tears were being help back at the beauty of the concept. "Menace" and "Clones" dialogue for Natalie Portman and Hayden Christianson is beyond awful, but the story it was explaining made sense to me. Who can be pissed at an abundance of Jedi anyhow?

Reddit Quote Porn

If you go through my blog "Best 2019 Ninety-Minute (or 97 min) Films for Chilling", only two of the movies are undeniably good (I will argue that "Yoga Hosers" was exactly what it set out to be, but that may not make it good in the eyes of some.). Do I appreciate the excellent movies more? Yes. Do I frequently have more than an hour forty to devote to one. With two jobs and at least 20 video games to play, would you suspect that I did?

Well, if it is a monthly "Star Wars" flick, I will make the time for it.

The point is, if you want to get the most out your cinema time, you have to expand your horizons. Of course the downside is, 50 percent of what is out on the shelves is genuine crap.

Now, I have been able to make some films fun. Like "Ultraviolet". Surely by watching it enough, I can find a way to salvage and appreciate it. Timur Bekmambetov may have.

I am sorry, Timur did not. That is how bad the effects and direction were "Ultraviolet". They were so bad that I thought the film predated both "Night Watch" and "Day Watch". So, reopening a movie review (and ICC's Chinese 211) notebook and finding my review for "Equilibrium", a film by "Ultraviolet" writer/director Kurt Wimmer, spawned my justification for watching bad movies and brief reevaluation of having a website devoted to 90 minute films.

20 (give or take) new reviews posted last year, three to four were weak. This means I spent nine hours watching crap. If poop is not in my Pornhub search history, why do I let it be in my queues when I could catch up on my Scorsese? That is enough time to get three films in. Good thing one of them is "Taxi Driver" at two hours.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies