I cannot seem to help myself from being stretched too thin. Hence my sleep patterns are proper shagged, and not being able to keep up on the dirt sheets is adding to my stress. In other words, "Not feeling attentive enough to fully appreciate the finale of "The Defenders"" would be my Facebook status if I chose to focus on that social network.
This is where I think your mind must be to revisit "Spawn", a film so bad that IMDb decided to post a trailer for the HBO animated series on its page instead. At least, if you are a declared film experts (by two Illinois Central College instructors), that would be your mental state. Then there is me, a person who skipped this one 20 years ago despite knowing it was a financial success. That success might mean there was something to it beyond the memorable soundtrack.
If only I had remembered that there were no good John Leguizamo movies from the 1990's, "Spawn" would have never been in my queue.
Does "Spawn" really need a plot synopsis? The mentor character of Cogliosta constantly explains all the events of the first two acts in third person. Act three puts Martin Sheen in the crosshairs of Spawn, his former top government assassin whom he sent to hell in exchange to rule the world. If Spawn kills him, he is obligated to lead the army of Hell against the forces of Heaven. If he does not, he will be tormented by Leguizamo's Jim Carrey impersonation, a clown that can transform into a giant skeleton of a gremlin. Can Spawn buck his destiny? With the help of a reborn Crusader, a homeless kid, and his toy dog Spaz, Armageddon may have to wait.
It feels like Michael Jae White's debut, "The Toxic Avenger 2" had better special effects. Feels is being polite. The Toxie mask did allow the protagonist to speak. When you have CGI, you have no reason for a devil with less hair than Animal the Muppet not to move his mouth when he speaks.
Especially when this balding coyote has the voice of Goro from the "Mortal Kombat" movie. That was also a Newline Cinema film as well from at least a year prior. If that monster turned out will, how in the hell did this get made? Guess I will have to go dig through Paul Sheer podcasts for that answer.
I would like to believe it was all the guaranteed money Ted Turner's WCW was offering to WWF mid carders to warrant FX shortcomings, but the fire effects in the "Monday Nitro" logo were more realistic than the Sega 32X-CD flames that made up "Spawn's" Hell. Surely some corporate synergy could have made a visually acceptable first level of damnation.
How could anyone sit through this entire film in 1997? The only redeeming qualities are the efforts that White and Leguizamo put into this. You cannot sell that to anyone, unless you go for the DVD market or have White in an afro. All I can figure is that it was a PG-13 comic book movie, so irresponsible parents dropped off their preadolescent boys at the multiplex as they watch a few Harrison Ford delivered F-bombs via "Air Force One". With head shots (the violent kind) and a walking French fry as a lead, the feature the birthers got to watch could not have been as traumatic to the youngsters who had to endure "Spawn".
I did not see "Spawn" in the theater. If I had at 17, this review would be just as harsh (and eloquent based on the success of my "Neon Genesis Evangelion" fansite). This film is like watching a video game without any cut scenes, thus we have more characters constantly explaining the events in the film than "Highlander 2" or "Divergent: Allegiant" instead of coherent dialogue. Mom would have received my first stream of obscenities if she left me and my little brother at this picture that is worse than "Freddie Got Fingered".
After all the thought I had put into this review, I have zero chill and a new respect Coleman Francis. Never have I been more angered by a film than I have by "Spawn". Stupidity is forgivable. Stupidity with a $60 million gross pays for an express ticket to a painful afterlife. Can an atheist be more poignant?
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