90 min. Family Video: "Skeleton Crew" a Reason to Dread Old Notebooks

We may have finally (2009) returned to the hay day of 80's horror renting bliss with "Skeleton Crew". Indistinguishable box art (Is this an Asian flick?), a trailer referencing horror films not even a decade old, acknowledgement that its simple plot is a rip off of a recent film, and Anchor Bay distributing the film takes me back to me wondering what evil the aisle closest to the register of Morton's Village Video had to offer.

If Starz Studios have given this aspiring gornography tribute a fraction of what it gives to "Crash: The Series", "Skeleton Crew" may have promise as a good film, but lets be realistic (and lets acknowledge that this was written while I was in college, so Wikipedia was a no-no.). For the most part, Starz does not even show its "original" (Crew is a Finnish-Russian import.) on their networks, and it probably would not help sway people from HBO and Showtime (I am subscribed to Starz via Hulu right now, and this picture is not in the library.).

Maybe Starz should just show some live fights, but if "Skeleton Crew" delivers on low-budget gore, I could care less about their network's Nielsen Ratings (Again, this review was written in 2009). Yes, I am greedy, like everyone who gets a movie package. 200 channels is not enough.

Steve is trying to bring the world his low-budget horror masterpiece (If anyone is interested, I have been developing a low-budget horror film, "Main Event of the Dead" a pro-wrestling themed zom-com. Email russthebus07@gmail.com if you would like to view the story treatment or have promotion advice.). To capture the essence of this true story, he decides to shoot at the mental institution where the grizzly murders of the serial killings of the snuff director known as The Auteur took place. The project is not going well.

The producer is stingy, the Finnish crew is threatening to walk off, and the lead actress is demanding (to her credit putting in some extra effort) to star in the sequel. There does not seem to be a way to save the project, but after a hidden collection of the Auteur's films is found, Steve has developed a new approach to filming the brutality. His sanity will be the cost of this cutting-edge style. Will the crew be able to survive this tribute to a demonic mind?

To claim there is bare bones gore in "Skeleton Crew" would be generous. The beginner's level camera work, sub-par nudity and clueless story make this a film that lacks guts or heart. I hope this is because they wanted to nail the film to its title, but that would even be too clever for this project.

Production values should not have held this title back. If this is an homage to classic slashers, one would figure that the creative staff would have at least listened to a Sam Raimi commentary track to know how to do gore on the cheap. The viewers get to see gore but they are not being treated to it. There is nothing suspenseful in how it is created.

At one point, a drill is driven into a skull, but the wound is not cool if we do not see an entry or a reaction to the tool through the dome. For sitting through this wretched delivery, we get to see the wound, but if we wanted to see inanimate head trauma, we could just walk down the Wal-Green's Halloween aisle. I do not know how big this holiday is in Finland, but the effects leave me feeling that this film was shot around this season.

And what is the deal with Finland? I know the Swedes put effort into their performances and nudity (I had gone to the theater to see "The Millennium Trilogy" that summer.). Is it because they are Scandinavia's number four country that they can only put in a fourth place effort? You are not even on the podium.

I have taken two years of junior college Mandarin, and because I do not speak it fluently, I know you have to show emotion when you speak. That way people understand how you feel so that they can then guess what my broken tongue is spewing. If you do not get emotions right with a second language, you are just considered an attention-starved foreigner. This maybe the right motivation for our female lead and her relationship with the director, but when they are not fooling around, the performance in telegraphed in.

The only element of acting by any character in this film is that some are caricatures of emotions. A couple of them are angry, a couple are snooty, but range is not offered by anyone.

As for the nudity, all we get are a few butts of both gender. This is horror for DVD, it has to be abundant to satisfy the audience (I was so disappointed in this film, it seems I did not stick around to the post-credit scene that joked about this. Thanks Wikipedia.). And it has to look objectifying and good, especially from our lead actress.

This is entertainment for the lowest common denominator. Hence, if you are going to flaunt your body around for them, it better be in shape. The lead actress is not ugly, but she seems to have never done a push up or squat in her life. Her butt is its own separate entity from her torso, and her under arm fat is not in check. If this were a good slasher flick, she would be the chick killed just before the massacre really kicks off.

This film is based on a script that is not even worthy of being called a Troma knock off. The writers were aware of how poorly their writing was going, but instead of starting a new draft, they try to throw twists in to try and cover up the holes while inadvertently creating new ones. "Skeleton Crew" is to what IDOT is to Illinois roads.

The roads comparison is an undeserved compliment. Illinois roads were at least built properly once. This script abandons proper story telling, so it is like it has never been paved.

"Skeleton Crew" does nothing for the world of lousy cinema. No hot starlets to chase, no performers to look for in future films, and gore that is shamed by Christian Hell Houses show all directors what not to do when making a film.

IMDb - Skeleton Crew (2009)

90-Min. Red Box: Once Upon a Time in Venice...Bruno Was Way More Chilled

It is a rare night. I am actually considering calling for delivery. Sadly, all my favorite take out is wrestler hair greasy. Being a hotel front desk agent frowns on my clothes looking like I had just headlocked Bret Hart.

Roman ruined everything. His apparent admiration of Hart lead me to question Bret's style in the 90's. If anything, that should be taken as a good prognosis in his current cancer bout. If televised wrestling could not thrive with him, neither shall leukemia.

Hair and hunger do not mix. That seems like a great way to transition to a Bruce Willis straight-to-DVD feature, "Once Upon a Time in Venice" (beach).

Steve Ford (Willis) is a disgraced cop turned private investigator who is trying to make ends meet taking on any ridiculous job. His range of work spans from making his protege John (Thomas Middleditch) survey an ashamed sex addict to tracking down an aspiring, obscene Banksy enthusiast that has been tagging a crooked real estate agent's property. He seems to also lack maturity since he is considers nude skateboarding an acceptable escape method, but makes up for that by taking care of the down and out Dave (John Goodman) and his sister's family as her husband is off somewhere trying to find himself. As long as he can watch his niece's dog during the day, everything is fine.

Needless to say, when his sister's place is ransacked by a couple of addicts who fence the gains and dog to their dealer Spider (Jason Mamoa), Steve's life will go out of control. Spider seems cool, perhaps too cool because his girlfriend had the nerve to decide to run off with the dog and a case of his cocaine. It appears everybody needs to get their lives in order and it is up to Steve to do it. This is the only way to get the pooch back and leave Venice a place with some sensibility.

"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is amusing until you stop and think about it. The story ends up working out, but is a mess until the third act. You are impressed that all the loose events resolve rather smoothly, but aside from some fun performances, you spend the first two acts getting fed up with the wacky scenarios that are constantly introduced and yearn for a cohesive story.

The movie starts with misdirecting you into thinking that Middleditch will be your lead. Having been given nothing to do, he is virtually replaced by Goodman. Willis is fun, but it is John McClane as the cocky hero the entire film who is unaffected by any situation's levity. As for the rest of the performances, you may get a good scene from an actor, but the ridiculous set up for what are primarily cameos is migraine inducing.

Mark Cullen's directing ability is not any more adequate than his and his brothers writing. He seems to think that Kevin Smith's method of filming comedy can apply to action, hence there is none. You are surprised that they even took the time to allow for gun play because it cannot be framed by this talent.

I could not find out the budget of this film, but I am thinking that it all went to get Bruce Willis since these are also the writers of "Cop Out." That film left us with a Willis and Kevin Smith Feud. "Cop Out" only has one subplot. You are telling me that Willis wanted his character to be drawn and quartered across that film, and that is the he hated filming that was because Smith said no.

"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is funny but it is not a movie. It is a series of "Saturday Night Live" sketches at best. The problem with that is the Cullen Brothers fail to realize that show requires all new characters for each sketch. Venice Beach is not "Dante's Inferno," and if Willis is not required to show more emotion than he offered in "The Expendables" you have dog poo without any poo jokes.

teaser-trailer.com/

90 min. HBO Max: "Lost Boys: The Thirst" and C2E2 Sexualization Rant

*Blog entry started on February 24, 2020.

Everything should be lined up for C2E2, at least it should be when I retrieve the proper credit cards to charge everything on. The event also determined the cause for my tax refund which is difficult for me to figure out how to take (maturity/mentally). Is it a good thing to have money to spend on stuff I want, now realizing that there is stuff I want? Or is this a, "quit wanting shit" situation? Growing up sucks, and when you are coming up on a decadal birthday, you realize it is not getting any easier.

And there are not that many people who will go out and make it less painful. My better quarter (Eva the Cat will always get half) had her cosplay idea and it is of minimal effort. She wants to roam around McCormick Place in Pikachu hoodie and call it a costume. I have a Pokeball hoodie that she got me for Christmas, so we can do a group thing. My cosplay focus is how I can look good in a plus-size vest dress, which may not be possible, thus I will just be another jabroni wandering around with an Ultra Saber (or two). Can we really have that?

The girlfriend was insistent on going to Michael's when I visited my dad. Personally, I can just chill out with him bullshitting about sports and running political arguments by him that he will not curse me out over. With Mom chaperoning my youngest sibling to football games in England, why did I submit to her whims? Destiny perhaps. Thinking about crafting stuff led me to ask about some modifications to my proposed Pika Pal.

Would you be comfortable walking around with a ball gag?

Modify that bondage gear to look like Pokeball, buy some cheap sex toys at Spencers, we got something clever, which she even acknowledged. Pokémon Master and Porno Pika.

It's a family oriented affair!

Really? I have seen enough guys in tights who either needed dance belts or jockstraps. We would not have been that scary. It would have been a "The Lost Boys" R-Rating at worse.

And now I am wondering how to PG-13 BDSM. If only it was as easy as killing a few curse words and hiding some boobs.

Lost Boys: The Thirst - A Chance to Raise It on the Tomatometer

Check out the rest of review at "Ninety For Chill: A More Acceptable Runtimes

Rodney Smit - Pinterest - rodney1808

Tag Team Wrestling Is the Only Future: The Disgruntled's Real Tag Team Champions Summation

After reversing course, it turns out that the amount of tag team champions was as vast as I thought. It seems once a reliable secondary promotion or two arose, they knew they needed something that the WWE just was too busy to offer. This makes the current landscape with two successful televised promotions interesting.

Can AEW stick to the formula of having meaningful tag team wrestling headline weekly or will ratings dictate that they need a sellable superstar to get up to a million viewers a week? With ROH seemingly being on the decline and Allysin Kay deciding to keep Impact's status as the promotion for abusive pariahs at the cost off woman empowerment (Your petty self could not wait till Tessa Blanchard's reign ended to unleash your bitterness and not spit on a step forward?), AEW may be the only place for the style. I am just curious about who AEW will name their cup after. Has WWE trademarked the word "horsemen"?

What is more pressing to me right now is finding out if I can complete this series of blogs in one entry? Only three years to go.

43rd to Last Real World Tag Team Champions:
NWA World Tag Team Champions: The Naturals (Chase Stevens and Andy Douglas) - 4/26/05 to 10/5/05
WWE had makeshift tag teams dominating both promotions before MNM took over Smackdown. RAW's champions were more or less celebrations of a successful angle (William Regal with Eugene/Tajiri and Hurricane and Rosey) and the Smackdown champions were more or less away a way to maintain the title of champion for Eddie Guerrero. ROH was focusing on BJ Whitmer as their tag team champion which seemed more like a recognition award instead of a top championship.

44th to Last Real World Tag Team Champions:
NWA World Tag Team Champions: Americas Most Wanted (2) - 1/16/05 to 4/26/05
Team Canada (Bobby Roode and Eric Young) - 12/5/2004 to 1/16/05
3 Live Kru (Ron "Truth" Killings, Jesse "BG" James, and Konnan) 11/15/04 -12/5/04

Check out the rest of the blog at the "Rip 'Em System" tumblr along with the subtext of "No Holds Barred."

Pinterest - Ra's Al Ghul 

90 min Netflix: "Skin Trade" As Good as the Duran Duran Song

I know I have seen some incredibly sloppy Thai films while flipping through the Starz Encore networks, but if you make it a point to find a flick from this country, it is tough to be disappointed. That is my experience with the food as well. The spice is the action. Yeah, there are a lot of vegetables that I despise, but it is worth digging through them for the hot noodles and meat. It can be a long process (finding the film), but definitely worth a look.

With that said, I have to overlook the critics and give Tony Jaa's sequels a chance. After "Skin Trade", he is batting three-for-three with me (the other two being "The Protector" and "Ong-bak") in terms of potential IP. The latest experience is at least an extra base hit driving Dolph Lundgren, Michael Jai White, and Ron Perlman in. Peter Weller is the sacrifice to bring Jaa home.

Viktor Dragovic's (Perlman) sex trafficking trade has taken a major hit. Not only did his last shipment to Newark end up being just a pile of corpses, but maverick cop Nick Cassidy (Lundgren) ended up killing his youngest son. But with diplomatic ties with Russia and his two remaining capable sons, he is able to claim sanctuary in Cambodia and gain two-times the vengeance by killing Cassidy's wife and teenage daughter.

It is reasonable to think that an RPG to the face would prevent Cassidy from making their grudge match a best of three, but this guy is not Ivan Drago. Waking to a scarred face only motivates him to kill any diplomat and attorney who let Dragovic flee. Shooting up a restaurant is regarded as taking the law into one's own hands, so FBI Agent Reed (White) heads to Thailand to stop Cassidy from creating an international incident that can destroy Detective Tony Vitayakul's (Jaa) efforst to shut down Dragovic's operation at the source. Unbeknownst to Reed, Tony's own experience with the Dracovics may make Cassidy an ideal ally. Viktor is guaranteed to come face-to-face with his karma.

I know sci-fi/horror fans complain about the lack of practical effects with the emergence of CG. Personally, my loathing of computers comes from straight-to-video action movies (see "The Girl from the Naked Eye"). If "Skin Trade" had a few real explosions, this film would have necessitated the US theatrical distribution Jaa versus White deserves.

The story is everything you wanted in a pre-peaked Seagal action film. Lundgren, Gabriel Dowrick and Steven Elder's script has holes  and a heavy-handed message to drive the film (like "On Deadly Ground" with the environment), but it delivers two uncompromising heroes that do not think twice about executing pure evil and its idiot henchmen. I mean, the ads for that job must imply evil, so you cannot be innocent after that "welcome aboard" meeting.

By simplifying the skin trade to saving girls (do not think about the intricacies and the sex in trafficking's), you get a pretty straight forward action flick. The post effects suck and the Ekachai Vekrongtham's direction is frantic with the cuts during some brilliant fight scenes. As long a you dig the choreography, this flick is a winner.

If you had "Punisher" level gore and a Nathan Jones cameo (just to make this bonified Thai gem), any action aficionado would run to Red Box to watch "Skin Trade". If only the Champaign COOP theater was still in operation and the name was not "The Art", this would be worth a six-dollar admission and some cheap drinks.

Equating this Lundgren-penned script to post "Arena" Duran Duran nails how to describe "Skin Trade". It is not his best, but if you are a fan and need to forget "4 Got 10" (like Power Station for you DD fans), this flick fills you 80's nostalgia needs.

filmcombatsyndicate.com

https://filmcombatsyndicate.com/watch-kick-ass-new-thai-trailer-for/

90 min at 3.99: Ultraviolet...just to prep for the anime sequel

You remind me of the babe.

What babe?

The babe with the power.

What power?

The power of VUDU.

That was lot of research in how I purchased "Ultraviolet" to justify cutting out some sleep for content. I think coming up with a David Bowie/Jim Henson reference about a Milla Jovovich headlined film demonstrates my genius. With that said, I think you should give my pro-wrestling zom-com "Main Event of the Dead" some attention. Feel free to request a treatment of the script via russthebus07@gmail.com. Promotional suggestions would be nice to get this B-movie script into production.

WallpaperSafari.com

Ultraviolet

In a world you may not understand, humans have been warring with hemophages, those infected with a vampiric virus originally designed to create better soldiers. This is not a trailer so that neither works as a great opening line for this review or the film. Exposition has a purpose, but the primary message of the film is that explanations are something that can be abandoned when you have CG. The story is about Violet, a single-hemophage killing machine who is looking for a cure to the virus which may be in the package she has stolen from Vice Cardinal Daxus, the de-facto leader of the human government. An end to hemoglophagia would serve as a revenge for the system causing her to lose her husband and unborn child via experimentation.

Instead of there being vials and needles, the package is a young clone of Daxus. The boy, Six, holds the key to a cure, but it has nothing to physically do with him. What is established is that the kid is dying. Because the kid's a work in progress, Daxus want to regain all of that tissue. It may not be the end of this viral age, but Violet's maternal instincts will make it so she will protect and allow Six the most anyone can get out of life.

I hate to be so harsh, probably because it reflects on my own taste and desire to claim Milla Jovovich as a talented actress, but "Ultraviolet" is a mess on every level. After completing that statement, Jovovich was not a mess. Her performance was as good as the script allowed, but the director's attempt to make her a PG-13 level pin up in every shot shows that writer/director Kurt Wimmer has/had a greater obsession with her presence than any nerd on the planet.

He is/was aware that she is married to his style over substance peer Paul W.S. Anderson? His phoney gunkata martial arts is not going to whisk her off her feet. Did he even perceive how stupid punching with a gun firing in the same hand looks?

Wimmer is synonymous with incoherent story telling. He is an M. Night Shyamalan knock off without any chill. Everything has to be a twist. As I had already established, the film thinks it did not  need exposition it because of the "cutting-edge" computer graphics. This created an environment that makes it dependent upon his curveball nature. You need a fastball to establish the strike zone, otherwise all your off-speed offerings will require Bob Ueker descriptions.

As for the CG, high definition, let alone FDR (bought into the 4K too soon), has not been kind to it. It felt like "Tron" but with everything filled in. The lines in the Disney classic are thin. If they were filled, it becomes a blur of color. The film also seems to lean on, "obviously this isn't real, so bullets and explosions can look cooler." These bullets and explosions would makes this a B-Movie if you were unaware of the budget.

Despite all of the flaws, if you are looking to direct action, I can see this film providing some situations that you can only improve upon. The film may even look good in storyboards. Timur Berkmambetov has some very similar scenes in his big three features, ("Day Watch", "Night Watch", and "Wanted"). He is a now under-rated director (I will get back to you about "Ben-Hur" [a $5 iTunes special]), so as far as I am concerned, those are now his scenes. If he got the inspiration from this film, he braver than I. I have only watched this thrice.

"Ultraviolet" is an attempt to create something cool without giving the prospective audience a reason to. Milla Jovovich already had "Resident Evil", so this was totally unnecessary. Perhaps you can appreciate some of the intentions, but you are probably looking for reasons to justify spending any of your money on this feature.

This is a tutorial into how to waste $30 million and potential IP for the sake of being an auteur. Director/Writer Kurt Wimmer may have proven with this film to be a bigger disaster than Ed Wood. "Ultraviolet" is best viewed with a couple of robot friends and some illicit substances.