Botched: How Archaeology Movies Should Be

www.imdb.com/

Kit Ryan’s "Botched" is the Indiana Jones of horror movies. Maybe not in terms of budget, but never taking itself too seriously and ridiculous misadventures makes it a lot more entertaining than Brendan Frasier or Nicolas Cage’s attempts to play Harrison Ford’s treasure hunter.

Wanting to pay of his family’s debt, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) returns to his mother’s homeland of Russia to steal a cross that belongs to the descendants of Czar Ivan: The Terrible. When the building’s security becomes aware of the robbery, the lift is stopped on the thirteenth floor, trapping Ritchie and anyone unlucky enough to end up in the elevator. One of the “hostages” is decapitated by a huge set of scissors and the floor’s features artwork that would make Leatherface proud leads Ritchie to the realization that everyone has become the targets of the blood thirst of Ivan’s most recent set of grandchildren.

Botched is a great comedy in the tradition of “slashstick” classics like Sam Raimi’s "Army of Darkness" and Peter Jackson’s "Dead Alive". The graphic violence exists to please fans of it, but it is never shocking and cannot be considered disturbing. To make it even more enjoyable, there is no CG mixed with the effects, so it seems more visceral. And like "Dead Alive", the human leftovers become great comedic props as the film progresses.

When the robbery and ancient artifacts are added to the gory mix, the film is given a quest like feel. This is amazing since this film follows the best rule of horror settings; keep the action limited to a limited space. Beyond the exposition and resolution, the film is limited to hall ways and small rooms, so the killers do not have to look too hard to find their prey, but the prey can use the space to trap their hunters.

Since the film is obviously limited to a sound stage, it has B-Movie charm with A-Movie qualities. Dorff plays the protagonist as someone who prides himself on being cool, collective, but most importantly selfish. This is a job to him, he does not want anyone to die, but he does not want to fail in his mission. Unlike Frasier in The Mummy or Cage in National Treasure, he accepts the fact he is just a thief. With Dorff’s natural coolness, the audience relates to him and hope he ends up with the girl, but they know that is not the point of the film.

Most importantly, the film features no moments where it takes itself seriously. It wants the audience to cheer the humor and the gore, and that is all. Movies like the Jones knock offs have their sappy moments to pull at the heart strings while this one does not take any short cuts in its literal heart-grabbing action.

"Botched" works on so many levels that anyone should find a reason to enjoy it. Get pass the gore and accept that it is there for a punch line, and is definitely worth anyone’s time. And because we all liked him in the original "Blade", we should feel obligated to give any Dorff film that’s title has more than three characters in it title a chance.

 

NinetyForChill - The #Podcast: Kumite in L.A - Bloodsport and Showdown in Little Tokyo

      

NinetyForChill.com: The Podcast

Episode 28: Kumite in L.A - "Bloodsport" and "Showdown in Little Tokyo"

(A double feature that provides the meth and sushi girls that the JCVD's film was missing).

Gregory Carl is about to set the podcast world on fire with his upcoming Jean-Claude Van Damme podcast, so he was more than welcomed to talk action movies on this pod. I did not want to tread to much on his expertise, so we talked about what I consider to be the greatest DVD two-pack, "Bloodsport" and "Showdown in Little Tokyo".

I do my best to suggest that these two features are in the same cinematic universe, but the action styles could not be more different. The Cannon Group does their best to provide a realistic tournament fighter feature while "Commando" director Mark L. Lester provides the lite version of the one man army with Dolph Lundgren. "Showdown" also provides the buddy cop dynamic (and takes it to the ultimate extreme) that Forrest Whitaker and Norman Burton lacked in the Van Damme movie.

We go on a few tangents, but what do you expect when you are discussing a "true story" about Frank Dux, the most legitimate conman that I have seen. The most unrelated would be a chat about the limited influence "Joker" will have. There is also some borderline obscene investigation into the relationship that Brandon Lee's second-billed character has with Lundgren's lead.

For a first time meeting, I think Gregory and I hit it off pretty well. Talking about Dux's legitimacy ends up exploring our personalities. As a former fighter, we get to hear me measure up guys while he is satisfied with stories about New Jack and hearing about the importance of Gary Daniels in the movie career of the Ultimate Warrior.

Like the Warrior, NinetyForChill - The Podcast is moving forward with reckless abandon. Next week, 2002's "Stealing Harvard" will be revisited. I remember it being fun, but there just seemed to be something off about the feature. Perhaps its Jason Lee and Tom Green, two perpetual movie supporting actors, attempting to carry a feature.

My scheduled guest seems a little more optimistic about this film's quality. Thankfully, they just want to focus on this feature instead of the limited prime of Green's career. I really appreciate not needing to revisit "Freddy Got Fingered", but I am itching to view "Road Trip" once again. I just love me some Breckin Meyer.

I would not mind being a couples week ahead when it comes to content, so I would love to hear from you with ideas on what to chat about. Frankly, it would be honor to host you and find out about why you offered your incite. Send an email to russthebus07@gmail.com with a movie, theme, director, or actor. If you promise to center the topic around movies between 74 and 99 minutes, audio gold should be the product.

 

If you need some suggestions, movies like "Fear of a Black Hat", "UHF" and "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" can make for a great theme. ThePoeticCritic knew that Robert Downey Sr.'s satirical masterpiece, "Putney Swope" fits the pod's time restraints. There are also Tim Burton's early classics "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" and "Beetlejuice". Or we could just focus on movies Danny Elfman scored.

 

I have been asking for weeks for assistance in composing an episode dedicated to vampire features like "The Lost Boys" trilogy, "Near Dark", and the "Underworld" movies. Here is to hoping that this bunch of critiques will stir up some inspiration in my audience to step up and hold off on the garlic. If this is a topic you up for discussing, feel free to send an email to russthebus07@gmail.com. All I need is a half hour on Zoom to get this done. 

 

I hope I am impressing or at the very least amusing you with this podcast and I am open to any and all criticism. My biggest want is more guests and more suggestions on what to chat about (@catbusruss, russthebus07@gmail.com@coolmoviesdarth). If we can get 3 hours out of "Little Nicky", the possibilities are endless. Thanks for visiting.

 

After WrestleMania Backlash, I will tell you that we need to take zombie pro wrestling back. My suggestion is that we finally get my low-budget zombie movie, "Main Event of the Dead" off the ground. The script lacks a lumberjack match, so you know it has got to be better than the "Army of the Dead" advertisement. Ask for a treatment or give me suggestions on how to get it to a crowd-sourcing stage with an email to russthebus07@gmail.com.

 

 

@AlexEveBlack - Pinterest
 

Assassination of a High School President: Because there wasn't enough jail bait in "The Usual Suspects"

The 2008 Sundance Film Festival hit, "Assassination of a High School President" wide release was prevented due to its own ambitions. Not having the finances to be distributed on the big screen, DVD has now allowed audiences to see what would be considered the “Heathers” of this generation.Finally, there is a film that allows all of us to forget about the mockery that the "High School Musical" trilogy made of the first truly turbulent time in all of our lives.

“Assassination of a High School President” successfully brings crime drama to a realm that almost every audience can relate to. Nothing in this film seems too far-fetched, and its brilliant script and performances should be able to keep the attention of any movie goer. The most impressive thing about this film is that it is witty enough to allow the viewer to accept a story that centers around: sex, drugs and violence all involving teenagers. A must see form fans of modern film noir, and those who embrace “American Pie” as the film that defines their generation.

 

90 Minute @Netflix #DVD: "Armed Response" or The Turd Seth Cannot Polish

I do fear my satire is falling to the wayside by doing this movie catch up. It makes me reminisce of my second trip through Illinois Central College. Give me due dates, and I will deliver something to be defanged by the competent editor. My righteous butt appreciated the awareness during the second half of my time at ICC's newspaper, The Harbinger, but it was fun putting the reputation of the paper on the line with pro-steroid pieces.

Steroids, that is probably a good spot to stop tonight. Dolph Ludgren, Michael Jai White, Danny Trejo; these are all stars in the journal. The only other thing on my mind is how The Wrestling Compadres may have managed to prevent me from cancelling them for another month. Praise the "Tom Magee" documentary on the WWE Network while bad mouthing me for not wanting to watch a booking turd like "Money in the Bank" inspires to me to want to engage in their tit for tat, despite the number of times I have been edited for their own su-su-su-su-spect devices. Thrice, pro-feminism views had been cut.

All these movie reviews I am teasing have wrestling parallels, so I should stick to the transition, but when I think about all the times I have been edited, it makes me wonder if I should just try to podcast. My stuff looks good written, but how does it work for the audiophiles? Anchor (thanks for the tip Spotify) says it is easier than ever to find out.

Podcasting does seem to be about talking in circles, so my writing should be fine. At least I know it is better than that in..."Armed Response," the WWE film where I regret giving Seth Rollins 90 minutes to shine a turd, hence why I will not let his A.J. Styles's match inspire me to watch twice the poor writing to get to.

Armed Response: Working the Broom the Match

When WWE says they want to attach you to a film, you will not get to offer a negative response. From a certain legitimate podcast ("The Art of Wrestling: Thanksgiving 2014"), it seems that you just say, "Thanks for the time off." Pretend that making a film is like the TV format, celebrate the lack of bumps and hope you do not have to do the favor for Anne Heche. Insist that the sentient, telepathic prison scores the fall. This is the Gene Simmons produced "Armed Response."

Still recovering from letting go of his daughter's bike too soon during a lesson adjacent a highway, Gabriel (TV's Dave Annable) is called back to action by his former army comrades Isaac (Wesley Snipes) and Riley (Anne Heche) to investigate why they lost contact with a high tech black ops prison called a Temple. The crew that was facilitating this were also brothers-in-arms that they served with in Afghanistan. Since Gabriel designed this complex, he is obligated to find some answers.

Can we get a movie where the site is not full of mangled corpes? These mysterious events probably happen all the time, but it is usually a router problem. Hence, we do not hear about it, so we can not presume any other movie cliches.

Temples are an over-sized interrogation system that can measure body chemistry to determine the correct answers of its prisoners. The goal is to avoid the need for torture. But everyone wants to torture someone, and it seems that is no different when it comes to the Temple itself. Everyone in the Temple have their sins, and this house of truth will administer punishment, technology, physics, and chemistry be damned. If you break laws, so will it.

Viewing "Armed Response" was not that painful for me. I was watching this flick hoping it would allow fellow Danny Daniels disciple Seth Rollins a retirement plan, so focus was skewed. Upon reviewing my memories, this is the worst WWE Studios's film to date (at least when featuring WWE talent).

Director John Stockwell had a hell of a 2016. "Countdown" was a great B-movie and "Kickboxer: Vengeance" was better than the original Van Damme film. I suppose WWE thought he was talented enough to make a flick with nothing but past their prime stars and an empty building. This film shows that he is not the Soska Twins (check out my "See No Evil 2" review).

And this incomprehensible script further pisses me off since I cannot get anyone to request a treatment of "Main Event of the Dead." Feel free to email me at russthebus07@gmail.com.

It is called an Intellectual Property. You must have intelligence in your story to earn that distinction. If you do not, you make anyone who lacks tax issues dumber for working on this. No wonder Rollins said yes to Shield reunions instead of taking his ball and running to off to another promotion.

The next worse WWE flick is the Soskas's "Vendetta", but it is light years better than this. It was Dean Cain versus the Big Show. That film gave us something to care about. "Armed Response" is a ghost story without any ghosts. Ghost are supernatural. Computers are not.

Annable is not a star, so it is nothing versus nothing. Snipes and Rollins are the undercard, so there is nobody who can get you invested in this flick. Maybe if the film explained how parallel prison walls can rip limbs from someone, disbelief can be blissfully suspended.

The WWE producers of "Armed Response" should be sued for defaming Stamford's name. If a story makes less sense than Doctor Chris Amann's lawsuit against the Second City Saints, it should not have been green lit regardless of what an idiot from Kiss says.

https://teaser-trailer.com/movie/temple/

NinetyForChill - The #Podcast: "Spiral" from the Pod of Skimble

    

NinetyForChill.com: The Podcast

Episode 27: Spiral from the Pod of Skimble

(Skimbleshanks likes to emphasize the verb in his name).

This is the first podcast that I was waiting for the film's home release to drop. My return to the cinema started with "Spiral: From the Book of Saw". Because I saw the last show in Champaign/Urbana, it did not make much sense to talk about this return to my favorite horror franchise until the DVD and Blu-rays dropped.

When I saw this film, there were only two other people in the theater. This feature was the number one film in the United States at the box office for two week, but still only grossed 35 million. In other words, people were not quite ready to go back to the theaters during, what I hope is, the beginning of the end of the pandemic.

With that statement, I think I have the plot for "Spiral 2". "Saw" works best when it has a message. The pro-socialized medicine tale gave "Saw VI" some extra charm. "Spiral" was ahead of the game when it came to All Cops Are Bad.

With the lack of people getting to the cinema, I feel I am definitely in the minority when it comes to the exposure of the flick. Thus, this podcast will be me just letting you know how I felt about this latest attempt to continue the IP. It is not "Repo: The Genetic Opera", but it has all the qualities that made Darren Lynn Bousman a reliable hand to helm a horror movie.

 

This may be odd for a podcast, but I think that I have avoided letting any spoilers slip. I apologize if you wanted all of the secrets revealed to help motivate you to possibly pick up the Steelbook release. It is a partial effort to allow me to grab one for myself. If it was not for Steelbooks, what is the current point of physical media?

Next week's show is looking promising as we focus on a couple action movies. It will be asked, why did Jean Claude Van Damme get to be the late 80's and early 90's reasonable budget action star instead of Dolph Lundgren.

I would not mind being a couples week ahead when it comes to content, so I would love to hear from you with ideas on what to chat about. Frankly, it would be honor to host you and find out about why you offered your incite. Send an email to russthebus07@gmail.com with a movie, theme, director, or actor. If you promise to center the topic around movies between 74 and 99 minutes, audio gold should be the product.

 

If you need some suggestions, movies like "Fear of a Black Hat", "UHF" and "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" can make for a great theme. ThePoeticCritic knew that Robert Downey Sr.'s satirical masterpiece, "Putney Swope" fits the pod's time restraints. There are also Tim Burton's early classics "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" and "Beetlejuice". Or we could just focus on movies Danny Elfman scored.

 

I have been asking for weeks for assistance in composing an episode dedicated to vampire features like "The Lost Boys" trilogy, "Near Dark", and the "Underworld" movies. Here is to hoping that this bunch of critiques will stir up some inspiration in my audience to step up and hold off on the garlic. If this is a topic you up for discussing, feel free to send an email to russthebus07@gmail.com. All I need is a half hour on Zoom to get this done. 

 

I hope I am impressing or at the very least amusing you with this podcast and I am open to any and all criticism. My biggest want is more guests and more suggestions on what to chat about (@catbusruss, russthebus07@gmail.com@coolmoviesdarth). If we can get 3 hours out of "Little Nicky", the possibilities are endless. Thanks for visiting.

 

After WrestleMania Backlash, I will tell you that we need to take zombie pro wrestling back. My suggestion is that we finally get my low-budget zombie movie, "Main Event of the Dead" off the ground. The script lacks a lumberjack match, so you know it has got to be better than the "Army of the Dead" advertisement. Ask for a treatment or give me suggestions on how to get it to a crowd-sourcing stage with an email to russthebus07@gmail.com.

 

 

*Blog post was started on July 17, 2021.

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987): Where the Dwayne Johnson Franchise Should have Went

It is going to be interesting to see how this review works out. I prefer to write my reviews the next day (or by the time I finish viewing a feature, that day). The freshness is what I am going for. Too bad we have to do adult things like my job (which currently includes putting nine rolls of quarters by a space heater in hope to dry the paper that my water mug spilled over) and paying bills. Those are not too harsh when it comes to processes since my finances are in a blackish state. Please pardon any sense of appropriation.

And pardon the seemingly unwarranted bullshitting. I was (I guess am. The arguments that colleges should offer art degrees is fine, but my web design career was suppose to be an employable concept in 2002.) a website designer, so the pages on this blog have to be in sync with all the content on the right side. Thus, letting you know where my head is at with every post seems a necessary evil.

Am I evil? Guess I am. With that, it seems I can no longer say that I am just a fan of the art.

It seems I am paying for my vicefulness. My body feels like crap after it turns out that OSF would not allow me to get blood test so that I can offer a guide to whomever ends up being my next primary physician (No more physician assistants!). This meant that my cleanliness was for not, so I attacked about a half a dozen Krispy Kremes the following day and some Kraft Deluxe Mac and Cheese the next night. Christmas is still five months away, so asking my folks to pay for BJJ lessons must wait. The need to be humble over getting invited on a Disney World trip makes asking for anything a task.

If there is anything I am worried about in the now is that my promotion of Woody Allen movies is scaring away repeat guests for NinetyForChill - The Podcast. I suppose I have to respect the principles. And, at least they are not being petty like Michell Whitt over a contextual review. It also make me look at my own morals. Can one encourage revisiting the works of Lenni Rienfenstahl when it was a product of the Nazis?

Are pedophiles any worse than Nazis? Are these two groups equal? I would rather know what makes a sick mind, but if we should be violent towards Nazis (The most important lesson of "The Blues Brothers")...

The truth is, maybe I a just hang about for the arguments. With that said, check out my review for Roman Polanski's "The Ghost Writer". Should I have given the film which suggest that being a war criminal is far more evil than being a bale jumper a chance?

It should not be a legitimate worry. If that guest had listened to some of my podcast in preparation for their appearance, pro Marty Scurll mentions should have expressed my willingness to listen to everything I can about a controversy.

In the meantime, I have been working to line up a guest for an upcoming podcast episode. This party is working on a Jean Claude Van Damme podcast, so action movies maybe the topic. An episode focusing on the best DVD double feature pack ever released, "Bloodsport" and "Showdown in Little Tokyo" is where I am leaning.

But with "Snake Eyes" coming out soon, perhaps I should offer up a chat about the underappreciated/misunderstood G.I. Joe franchise. The two live-action movies do not fit the parameters of my podcast (The films are 118 minutes and 110 minutes), but if we start with the 1987 debut feature, it could warrant an episode.

G.I. Joe: The Movie

After Cobra's attempt to blow up the Statue of Liberty during its centennial celebration was thwarted by G.I. Joe, an American military unit solely dedicated to defeating Cobra, the terrorist group's supreme leader, Serpentor, attempts to remove Cobra Commander from his authority for yet another failure. This "court marshal" has to be placed on hold because when base, the Terror Dome, is attacked by a reptilian humanoid. Cobra Commander leads his lieutenants away from the battle in hopes that the assailant will kill their leader.

When she arrives to confront the head of the snake, Serpentor recalls her from a vision. Pythona informs him that it was not a vision but a memory of his homeland Cobra-La and that his destiny is to lead the people of this hidden land to reclaim the world from homo-sapiens. To do this, they will need to capture the Broadcast Energy Transmitter (BET). This should allow for the transmission of near unlimited amount of energy. Something so valuable is obviously being protected by G.I. Joe.

G.I. Joe's Himalayan security detail for the BET has left the military organization spread thin, so they will be counting on their next class of recruits. Their forces are further exasperated after they capture Serpentor when he led an attack to claim the BET. Despite his arrogance and immaturity, the top prospect seems to be the Green Beret Lt. Falcon. His most defining traits prove to be immediately detrimental as Pythona succeeds in allowing Serpentor to escape. If Falcon was more concerned about his post than trying to woo his ninja co-recruit Jinx, the unit should have prevented this attack.

As a result of his dereliction of duty, a court marshal for Falcon is proposed, but Duke begs for leniency in the process. He believes in Falcon's potential and claims responsibility for the recruit's shortcomings as his older half brother. This leads the tribunal to send Falcon to the Slaughter House, as in Sgt Slaughter, to conclude his training.

Serpentor is returned to Cobra-La where we find out the history of the Cobra organization/civilization, that a group of Joes are being held prisoner after they pursued the retreating Cobras from the BET assault, and that Cobra Commander will answer for his inadequacies. The Cobra-Las are lead by Golobulus and the people have been in hiding since the Ice Age. This hiding came as a result of the rise of mankind and their constant development of technology destroying organic dependent societies.

They have launched a fleet of mushrooms to orbit the planet. With the BET's energy, the shrooms will be allowed to release their spores. These spores will force mankind to return to their ancestors' beast like nature allowing Cobra to finally conquer the world. With the success of Serpentor's escape, the Joes know that their organic weapons are more powerful than anything Cobra had previously thrown at them. The escape also has left the Joes in disarray. Are they even in a position to stop Golobulus's evil plan?

"G.I. Joe: The Movie" was pulled from a theatrical release after children were left disturbed from "The Transformers: The Movie" the prior year. I understand you do not want to scar any more kids, but for those who watched Optimus Prime die in the first act, their brains would be better suited for the insanity of the story about Cobra-La. Regardless, this is 40 miles of bad world no matter the preparation.

Aside from getting Don Johnson and Burgess Meredith to voice our new protagonist and antagonist respectively, who only exist to introduce a new line of toys, no effort was taken to provide the audience with anything worth attaching "The Movie" to. I suppose the musical number to an extended rendition of the TV show theme lets us know that the feature is far grander than the 22-minute shorts, but when it is the same rendition of the song, laziness is the only feeling expressed. If you can afford Don Johnson, surely you can afford Stan Bush.

And this laziness goes beyond not creating any new takes on the material. I thought it was limited to anime features of the time, but virtually all the sound effects are pulled from the "Star Wars" Trilogy. Who would have ever thought that electrified snakes sound exactly like light sabres? The BET is a dead ringer for Palpatine's force lightning.

Obviously the animation is not improved upon or even taken in a new direction. "Transformers" at least made the effort in that department. The earlier film also could hide the blatant 80's racism in toys. I did think that the BET was an attempt to have children associate the acronym with this series instead the television network. No wonder Hasbro toys fell into a lull during the early 90's. With no cold war to distract us from, everything about G.I. Joe is ridiculous.

So the story that would seeming feature elements to soon be used by "Highlander 2" and the "Super Mario Bros." ended up being appropriate. After essentially stopping Cobra from nuking the world at the end of the second live-action movie, ancient aliens are the only thing that can bring new life to this franchise. Is Paramount afraid that the fans would look to this feature and complain about the lack of originality? I think the trolls would be more fascinated making jokes about Sergent Slaughter having a full head of hair (That guy is just full of lies.).

My little brother rented this "G.I. Joe: The Movie" back in the early nineties, and I did not know what to think about it then. That is not great for a kids movie. Add to that experience knowledge of why things do not make sense and you know it totally missed its mark. Then realize that it is a bad movie, and I am reaching for a magnifying glass to go all "Toy Story" Sid on these plastic Real American Heroes.

Do I dare give "My Little Pony: The Movie" a rewatch? Does anyone know if it has the Stan Bush touch imprinted on it.

THE POP EXPOSE ‘The 1987 G.I.Joe Movie’ By Mitchell Smith! - Serpentor's Lair

 

90 min. Redbox: "Arena": Can Samuel L. Jackson Save a Title Timur Dropped.

 

Thank you Redbox for so many promo codes (This review was written in 2011. Why so stingy now?). Netflix (DVD) may have had "Arena" (2011) in stock, but with the vast library of suggestions, who knows if I would have come across such a ridiculous feature.

I am familiar with two other films called "(The) Arena". The premise is pretty much the same for each one. They are tales of a person's survival through brutal one-on-one combat. The 1989 (brilliant) low-budget take is about a human fighting aliens and the 2001 use of the title was Timur Bekmambetov's international debut about female Roman gladiators, and after further investigating I found that was a remake of a Roger Corman B-movie from 1974 of the same name. With this history  lacking luster (or lack of interest), how can Sony believe this can possibly be a made-for-DVD gem?

Pick Your Three Words: Samuel L. Jackson or Sam "Motherfuck'n" Jackson. Sony proves that I am not the only one to believe there is no such thing as a bad feature from this legendary performer. With the amount that he works, it makes me wonder why there have been any bad movies since 1988.

David Lord has a death wish after losing his pregnant wife in a bizarre traffic collision, (An accident implies no one was at fault.) so he decides to head to Mexico for an endless bender with a $100 bill his only form of currency. If he was not an ex-marine, rugby-playing firefighter, his desired fate would not have any trouble finding him. Ironically, this skill set will not allow him a quick demise.

After being seduced by the mysterious Milla, he is kidnapped by Kaden the Executioner to become the latest warrior for an online TV show called "Death Games" where modern gladiators compete in bouts that are nearly guaranteed to end with at least one fatality. The only problem with his "recruitment" to this underground "sport" is that he has nothing left to fight for. Certain that no one can continue to survive the Arena, the arrogant BMF producer Logan has come up with a means to motivate David.

If David wins 10 fights, he can go free. That is probably the only way he will get a chance to kill Kaden and Logan, so it is not a tough decision to become the most badass meme on the worldwide web.

I was still skeptical about renting "Arena" because for an actor like Jackson who has starred in so much, but avoid made-for-video, it just felt sad to see him make his DVD debut. Fortunately, Sam knows what the market's viewers want and the creative team behind "Arena" is more than willing to accommodate his scene chewing.

Graphic violence and abundant female nudity appeals to minimalistic B-Movie fans, so the subpar acting is easily overlooked. The action sequences are not much to write home about, at least in terms of the action, but the deathmatch concepts they introduce are amusing enough to ignore the other shortcomings. The fights are like "Mortal Kombat" levels. As long as there is a pit to drop the opponent into, clunky combat is forgivable. If these masterful compensations are not enough to amuse you, the sophomoric references to modern classics at least argue that the effort should be appreciated.

How this film still wound up costing $10 million to produce is beyond me. It did not go to the box art.

The low-budget style, clever effects and corner cutting make "Arena" a fun film to experience. I suspect $9 million went to Samuel L. Jackson, and I am comfortable with that. Thank you Sony for giving the most prolific American actor a lifetime achievement award attached to a good, quick flick.

CityonFire.com - Arena DVD

https://cityonfire.com/arena-dvd-sony/

 

"Vicky Christina Barcelona": Just One More Flick Before I Reassess Woody Allen

*Blog post was started on July 9, 2021.

And I should say maybe two after the trailer for Ewan McGregor's collaboration with the auteur was shown before this DVD's feature began. "Trainspotting" is my favorite movie. How much resistance do you expect from me?

It seems like a good point to dive into the review or inevitable "need" to see "Allen v. Farrow", but this is a personal blog and I only get two to three minutes to talk about myself before an episode of "NinetyForChill - The Podcast", provided I do not fuck up the recording. This week will have the "Spaceballs" content I have been promising and it will allow me to figure out my worth as a producer.

I still cannot help but feel bad though that it took a multi-time zone podcast to find out my amateur status. And then of course, the guilt I have to deal with when you send a text message to the guest declaring the episode lost. Jessica Kwazz from "Second Chance Movies" has still been liking and sharing my promotional tweets, but I cannot help but worry if I offended a great guest with a text message. If Mitchell Whitt holds a grudge over a Facebook post promoting "Morbidly Macabre", can I be blamed for a wee bit of paranoia over the impersonal nature of text messaging? Of course, Jessica was a great guest, Mitchell...

There are other items to be paranoid about (That is mentioned in the blog post's title.), but we will work towards that. Was life a lot easier before text messaging and leaving comments? Communication probably was since you could gauge what the other person was saying by how they said it. But that requires confidence in terms of speaking. That is something I did not acquire until I entered professional wrestling. And, I have to acknowledge, that was and is perhaps still something I struggle with. Fortunately for me, there have been few times in the past 15 years that I needed to write that well-worded note with a thorough argument to state my position. In other words, dealing with those who can (or at least think) out talk me has not been an issue.

The nickname that my best friend (who is lacking fur) bestowed to me explains how people see me. Harshside screams impersonal. People do not seem to like to hear things as they are without an immediate chance to argue them. They especially dislike the people the people who deliver such messages. It is so much easier for 75 million America to cheer on the guy who loudly and simply tells them to blame the messenger. If only there were more elegant harsh people.

In other words, this country really needs to start focusing on the arts. I know it is Un-American to take a page out of the Old World's playbook, but lets get to the point where we are not encouraging the subpar with sports aspirations are not at the top level come high school. If there is one of the undisputed wrong things my parents did, it was allowing me to keep playing baseball when my arms were designed for softball. It is pretty much known that the lessons gained through speech and acting courses can help you more in the real world than being one with aspirations of bringing football home.

And this would help the professional wrestling business. Those who still like to keep their bodies in peak form (and appreciate a bit of the ultra-violence) will have a robust skill set.

But more importantly, we would have more creators and artists (like the fictional ones in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"). This means we will have more people to learn from. That means we will not have to "reluctantly" watch features written and directed by Woody Allen as inspiration for brilliant dialogue and characters that the creators seems to know oh so well.

Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)

Vicky is completing her masters in Catalonian culture after developing a love for the architecture of Gaudi. This should be easy to complete after her aunt and uncle who live in Barcelona invite her to stay the summer at their home. To assure that she will have someone who speaks English, her impulsive and bohemian best friend Cristina is invited as well.

When you compare the two friends, their wants are the complete opposite. Vicky has a well-off fiance back in New York. Her life maybe paint by numbers, but she is happy. Cristina on the other hand wants to express herself but does not know the means and does not know who can love and appreciate her for that. This may change after they are invited by the charismatic Spanish painter Juan Antonio to fly to the island of Oviedo for sight-seeing and passion.

Cristina can not be told no when it comes to an impromptu adventures, so Vicky reluctantly joins her to, in essence, protect her from a strange artist who is best known for the exploits of his fiery and violent marriage to the beautiful Maria Elena. The stories and sites are fun, but Vicky is keeping her distance. Unfortunately, her best friend's ulcer flares up and leaves Juan Antonio to entertain her for the remainder of the weekend. The Spaniard's charms get the best of her, but at best, a possible fling can only last to the end of the summer.

Everything seems to be fine after this weekend, but destiny decides to throw some variables their way. Cristina and Juan Antonio seem content shacking up together, but having failed to make a name for herself in Madrid, a volatile and suicidal Maria Elena returns to stay at their home. Vicky's life receives and upheaval when her fiance decides that they should get married in Barcelona. Our two protagonists have suddenly found themselves stuck in lives revolving around passion. Is this something they will embrace or will they just presume it is too good to be true.

"Vicky Cristina Barcelona" feels like a fish out of water version of "Annie Hall" which I would consider to be a great compliment. The performances are masterful and Allen delivers on dialogue and scenarios. There are mad cap elements that are quite reminiscent of early 70's work while maintaining the yearning for escapism that all of his post-Oscar features center around. This is a Woody Allen film for Woody Allen fans.

With this being a film for his fans, they are the audience that will be comfortable with the same story being told over and over again. The story feels relatable and grounded in reality, so fans, like myself, will find themselves open to all the ideas being expressed. We will also find ourselves accepting that reality eventually shows back up, but it only makes us further enjoy the escape.

If you are not in love with Allen's ability as a wordsmith, after 30 years since his transition to a sense of seriousness, this may come across as pretentious. And I cannot say that those who think that are wrong. Everyone of his features seems like a veil allegory of his life. He changes the scenarios, but they all follow the same formula. For me, as a struggling artist looking for a voice, Scarlett Johansson, Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz tell a story that I love and see myself wanting to be a part of.

Perhaps Rebecca Hall's Vicky is Allen expressing how his detractors yearn for the freedom the artists have instead of security. Allen is telling them they want something different and they will regret not pursuing it. Sadly, with all the questions and hearsay surrounding his life, he may not be in a position to tell us that. Involving cleverly shot sex scenes and gun play are not going to make them look pass his alleged indiscretions and their judgements. I will credit Allen for trying to use those elements in that way. Maybe I will reclaim them in a rewrite for my z-budget, pro-wrestling, zom-com "Main Event of the Dead" (Please send any requests for a script treatment or advice on how to advance the production of this feature to russthebus07@gmail.com.). If you give this feature a chance, you will understand how the art of the deranged mind can greatly influence those who appreciate it.

"Vicky Cristina Barcelona" may have been told tens of times previously by Woody Allen, but his cast and script make this experience a worthwhile one. If we watch reboots by directors who are trying to tell someones else's story, why not watch a re-imagining directly from the source. This indicates that you have to love Allen's scripts and the playfulness that he always brings. Any prejudice towards him or apparent lack of originality may spoil a viewing of this for you.

5 Reasons I'm Still Taking Style Lessons From Vicky Cristina Barcelona