The Bitternet - Something to Trademark / An End to Comment Sections.

I really need to bring my journal to transcribe at work. I really need to bring the Pro Wrestling Crate box with comic books I need to read.

I need to know that I have real enemies out there.

It is the Internet. What else are you supposed to do with it when you are broke? Friends do not take the time to make you feel accomplished. Only by knowing that you have inspired emotion determines worth. The emotion you draw from someone does not matter.

We may need to get rid of the like buttons on social media. It does not change the fact that the majority of comments from a post are going to be negative. Replies may need to be removed as well. If you are really dependent on the Internet, you need to know you are all alone.

If someone really loathes something you said, surely they can take the time to write your name directly as they write a counter point. Is it easier to just scream out "THATS THE SHITS" in a comment field instead of writing your own statement that "PARTY 1 CONTENT IS THE SHITS"?

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Schrodinger's Cat: Rationalizations of an Existentialist (Part 4: The Catbus Arrives)

Maybe I should have titled this "Title Subject to Change (I gotta check out that Kevin Sullivan documentary)," but with the intent of every installment being a finale, optimism is required to get rolling. The upside is that I won't need to explain a title change since all I have to is post photos of my latest tattoo. Unfortunately, nailing the title down makes for a less than epic introduction.

Never thought I would be cursing the occurrence of downtime at my day job. There are so many other things to curse there. Like giving away jobs to temps (from agency I assume) once a temp (as in expendable) looking for benefits in the company finds the job posting. Call me inspired by the CM Punk walk out to post negative feelings about my current employer (not the hotel, Viva Samuel Clemons!) on the only blog where my real name is listed. I may as well re-iterate that TriStar Marketing lies when their application indicates that "having a felony does not necessarily disqualify you from employment."

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

We Are138: "Resident Evil: Degeneration", At least it makes more sense than Extinction

Once the action in "Resident Evil: Degeneration" starts rolling, this viewer had to be reminded of "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within". If it the same crew behind RED, that's cool, but if it is not, it maybe the end of photo realistic motion pictures. It has been eight years since the need for Square to merge with Enix occurred (and I'm sure all RPG fans don't fault the result), and if the effects haven't improved much between FF and RE, one maybe a little miffed if we just rented one giant cut scene.

The good news that only the Sony name connects the two which turns the possibility of the cut motion picture from a negative to a positive. Resident Evil: Degeneration may have a good premise, but can it be executed well.

Like "Resident Evil 4" suggests, Umbrella had fallen after the nuclear annihilation of Raccoon City. The US government has kept what actually happened under wraps, so that they can allow a new firm, WilPharma, to further study the uses of the T-Virus. After a biohazard occurred in India and a terrorist government openly expresses interest in using the virus, a Senate-backed American-based research facility in Hardardville would probably meet with protest. Protest that are led by a former WilPharma employee and father/husband to RC victims, Curtis Miller.

At the Harvardville Airport, Claire Redfield arrives to meet with fellow members of TerraSafe. While waiting to leave, they encounter Senator and WilPharma investor Ron Davis as he is being harassed by protesters with zombie mask. All hell breaks lose when some of the slow moving are not wearing masks, and a plane of undead crashes into the terminal. The only possible clue to what is going on his Claire catching a glance of Miller making his escape.

The airport has been quarantined, and Leon Kennedy is on the scene to coordinate rescue efforts and to help oversee the dispersion of a new T-Virus vaccine. Once word that Miller maybe involved, he and Angela, Miller's sister, are out to stop this biohazard from spreading.

Resident Evil: Degeneration is almost exactly like the video games it is based on. Perhaps to exact. When there is action, the viewer is amazed at the action like they are from the intensity of the video games, but once the scenes are over, the viewer is tied into a bloodless cut scene that consumes most of the picture.

The exposition cut scenes would work in a video game because we need to cool down after getting pass a boss. We are a little more accepting of the details and flashbacks. But RED isn't a game, it is a motion picture. It feels like you are reading the "Resident Evil 3" strategy guide as literature instead of a tool to destroy Nemesis.

I'm not saying that you will not enjoy the movie, but Resident Evil: Degeneration is strictly for the die hard RE fans. Everything you enjoyed in the games are here except sore thumbs. The Resident Evil fan should not be among us skeptics. With their cold response towards "Resident Evil 5", we may be praying Milla Jovovich's Alice will save the property.

https://9gag.com/

Against the Dark: Steven Seagal lazily fights the Undead

What does not sound good about this premise? Steven Seagal faces off against vampires with the support of Linden Ashby (Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat) and Keith David. This sounds like made for video gold as long as it can deliver regardless of whether or not the director gives their all. Unfortunately, "Against the Dark" fails on the box art promises and fails to give us vampires or enough Seagal.

It is not like there is not enough of him to go around no matter how the dark and claustrophobic scenes try to cover it. The story focuses on the survival of six people trying to escape a hospital filled with the infected. The only thing vampiric about these monsters is they stay out of the sun light and occasionally try to reason (a total of three times in 94 minutes), otherwise they are pretty much running zombies. Seagal and his group of hunters are only out to kill these confused undead and they show up every now and then, but by no means are they truly intricate to the plot especially since our protagonist never decides to stick with the bad asses.

Why did critics ever knock Don Bluth for only offering 80 minute movies? Any short cuts to the ending would have been great in this film that seems to be nothing more than Seagal's acceptance that he is over the hill and fat.

Yes, swordplay is expected when one is dealing with paranormal opponents, but Seagal’s main appeal is him throwing bad guys to horrid deaths. The audience has to wait 90 minutes for that, and all he does is throw a few of them through walls. Most of the other action is provided by Tanoai Reed (stunt double/part-time actor) along with the only joke in the picture. The limited screen time leaves me with the assumption that Seagal cannot physically cut it anymore. Nothing about Seagal’s character is explored making this picture the ultimate bait and switch especially since David and Ashby are not kicking any ass.

"Against the Dark" knows that it wanted to have the nocturnal undead and that is all. It could not decide what it wanted to do with them. It is not “Marked for Death with Vampires,” and it is not “Under Siege with Vampires.” Either of those plots could have been improved with the homonus-nocturna, but without Seagal willingness to fulfill the needs of these premises, it ends up being a bad B-movie without a sense of humor.

/9gag.com

Botched: How Archaeology Movies Should Be

www.imdb.com/

Kit Ryan’s "Botched" is the Indiana Jones of horror movies. Maybe not in terms of budget, but never taking itself too seriously and ridiculous misadventures makes it a lot more entertaining than Brendan Frasier or Nicolas Cage’s attempts to play Harrison Ford’s treasure hunter.

Wanting to pay of his family’s debt, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) returns to his mother’s homeland of Russia to steal a cross that belongs to the descendants of Czar Ivan: The Terrible. When the building’s security becomes aware of the robbery, the lift is stopped on the thirteenth floor, trapping Ritchie and anyone unlucky enough to end up in the elevator. One of the “hostages” is decapitated by a huge set of scissors and the floor’s features artwork that would make Leatherface proud leads Ritchie to the realization that everyone has become the targets of the blood thirst of Ivan’s most recent set of grandchildren.

Botched is a great comedy in the tradition of “slashstick” classics like Sam Raimi’s "Army of Darkness" and Peter Jackson’s "Dead Alive". The graphic violence exists to please fans of it, but it is never shocking and cannot be considered disturbing. To make it even more enjoyable, there is no CG mixed with the effects, so it seems more visceral. And like "Dead Alive", the human leftovers become great comedic props as the film progresses.

When the robbery and ancient artifacts are added to the gory mix, the film is given a quest like feel. This is amazing since this film follows the best rule of horror settings; keep the action limited to a limited space. Beyond the exposition and resolution, the film is limited to hall ways and small rooms, so the killers do not have to look too hard to find their prey, but the prey can use the space to trap their hunters.

Since the film is obviously limited to a sound stage, it has B-Movie charm with A-Movie qualities. Dorff plays the protagonist as someone who prides himself on being cool, collective, but most importantly selfish. This is a job to him, he does not want anyone to die, but he does not want to fail in his mission. Unlike Frasier in The Mummy or Cage in National Treasure, he accepts the fact he is just a thief. With Dorff’s natural coolness, the audience relates to him and hope he ends up with the girl, but they know that is not the point of the film.

Most importantly, the film features no moments where it takes itself seriously. It wants the audience to cheer the humor and the gore, and that is all. Movies like the Jones knock offs have their sappy moments to pull at the heart strings while this one does not take any short cuts in its literal heart-grabbing action.

"Botched" works on so many levels that anyone should find a reason to enjoy it. Get pass the gore and accept that it is there for a punch line, and is definitely worth anyone’s time. And because we all liked him in the original "Blade", we should feel obligated to give any Dorff film that’s title has more than three characters in it title a chance.

6-Day Work Weaks: Too Busy to Too Stupid or Too Proud

Maybe it was the sinus headache. Maybe it was the feeling that I just had to get my 13-hour day over with. Maybe it was driving in a loop to get to the first job thanks to the Illinois Marathon. Maybe it was the frustration building upon each day that I am in a holding pattern until I done putting the time in to beef up my resume. Whatever the reason, I want to get this day over with and my patience may not be there.

My manager at the retailer let me out 30 minutes early because of how slow the day was. I know the hotel would be sold out the previous night, but slow days elsewhere tend to represent slow days everywhere. Then there are parents to cheap to drive to Bloomington for Chuck E. Cheese.

...

The youngsters should know it is never going to get better than tag around an ornamental fireplace. Who needs animatronics and skee-ball? They are never going to see Disney World anyway.

You can blame my OCD, but I do not want to remembered as a slob. When it comes to kids, I am no parent, but they would be my top priority, my primary job. Why would you want to look lousy at your job? If that is not a call for socialism, I do not know what is.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Kill Bill (Anime Ver.) by Ray-D-Sauce on DeviantArt
 

Schrodinger's Cat: Rationalizations of an Existentialist (Part 3: Delayed Feline Arrival)

I suppose I should be happy that I named this blog (or originally named this blog "If I'm the Cat") at the end of the previous installment. Too bad I failed to remember that. Rationalization number seven could be "I Cannot Win"...even better the "Evangelion" stylized version [I Can (Not) Win], but I'd like to believe that my lack of opportunities is because no one wants to step up and be the loser. Explains the local wrestling scene, but what about team efforts?

Rationalization 7: I Am a Shitty Teammate.*

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

 Misato Katsuragi - Reddit

Slumdog Millionaire, or how I got started writing reviews for ICC

Slumdog Millionaire

Since his first international success with 1996’s Trainspotting, director Danny Boyle has been working diligently to deliver a film that would make him more than a once hip British filmmaker. The Oscars’ Best Picture nominee, "Slumdog Millionaire", is not only a brilliant film, but definite proof that he is among the most influential directors of his generation if not this century.

"Slumdog Millionaire" is Simon Beaufoy’s adaptation of Vikas Swarup’s novel "Q & A" which was inspired by a true story about an uneducated, young man from the Mumbai slums and his unlikely success on India’s translation of the now iconic game show "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". For Boyle, it is one of the few times he has worked on a film not written with the involvement of Alex Garland or John Hodge, but the theme that some things are “Written” is a plot that is common in most of his films. This film might be the most acceptable offering of this message Boyle had directed.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

www.imdb.com

Diary of the Dead: Romero's Latest Relevant Zombie Flick

George A Romero has established the need for a gimmick when it comes to zombie flicks, but it is hard to say that he had done a unique one after his first two "Night of the Living Dead" and "Dawn of the Dead". "Day of the Dead" upped the gore and explained what was going on with the apocalypse, but was nothing more than that. "Land of the Dead" was a clever story about the struggles between the have and the have nots (being living or undead), but played out like any other action flick.

Romero realized that he had to close the book on his first set of films, and that he has never had directorial success without them, so in 2007 Romero took a new approach and perhaps even found a new political message with "Diary of the Dead".

Nine Pitt film students and their professor are filming a mummy flick based around all of the old cliches when they first hear reports of the dead coming back to life. Some are skeptical, and who wouldn't be with the mainstream news media and the Internet amateur video telling different stories.

Regardless of what is going on, they have decided that they have to try making it to their homes, so they all reluctantly load up in a Winnebago except for the movie's director who cannot help but document the events that have fallen into his lap. Trying to convince his colleagues that it is the right thing to do is as much of a challenge as surviving the threats of the undead.

Diary of the Dead is the best example of the charm that Romero can offer since Night of the Living Dead. The film has to be done on the cheap because of the necessity to make it look like a student film, but this also forces the director to make every shot worthwhile so that it doesn't end up being as boring as a stereotypical student documentary.

People who find the drama that takes place between the protagonists in other Romero films, namely NotLD, to be boring will be pleased that there is almost a lack of drama. Good documentaries can't script drama, so Romero avoids having too many interactions between the characters. This may leave them as seemingly shallow, but also allows them to be caricatures which are the best things to have in a horror flick. Everything then becomes tongue and cheek, so the audience can sit back, enjoy the ride, and not care whether a person lives or dies as long as the demise is fun.

The demises in Diary are fun, but do not offer the same visceral pleasure they once had. A lot of the effects are dependent on computers and the transition from video game to Savini has yet to be mastered. That is even true in "Zombieland". All the exploding heads are shot from wide angles or are only implied. Fortunately, Romero's violence is still clever enough that we can overlook how we got to the corn syrup, just as long as we get to it.

If there is one thing that did not go over well with Diary of the Dead, it is the need to incorporate footage from outside the main story. It is important to have some, but the overuse of stock footage makes it overly preachy. The message of the confusion created by mass media is easily understood, so the viewer would rather focus on the film-making concept instead of the grand picture.

Diary of the Dead might be the most important zombie flick since "28 Days Later". It understands that zombies are for political messages and graphic violence, and it delivers on both. George A. Romero has finally recaptured what he had accomplished 30 years ago, and hopefully he will continue this with this year's release "Survival of the Dead."

www.imdb.com

90-Minute Netflix: Once Upon a Time in Venice...Bruno Was Way More Chilled

It is a rare night. I am actually considering calling for delivery. Sadly, all my favorite take out is wrestler hair greasy. Being a hotel front desk agent frowns on my clothes looking like I had just headlocked Bret Hart.

I probably should have specified and said dark-haired wrestler. Shawn Michaels never received ridicule for his hair while it was there. Until Triple H used water bottles as props, he did not have a wet look. Chris Jericho's style requires a blow drier.

I never paid enough attention when I shared locker rooms with Seth Rollins to see how he managed his locks. It was probably just water. Thinking his hair maintenance was questionable probably stemmed from a dislike of his Shield brethren Roman Reigns's hair appearing sticky.

Roman ruined everything. His apparent admiration of Hart lead me to question Bret's style in the 90's. If anything, that should be taken as a good prognosis in his current cancer bout. If televised wrestling could not thrive with him, neither shall leukemia.

Hair and hunger do not mix. That seems like a great way to transition to a Bruce Willis straight-to-DVD feature, "Once Upon a Time in Venice" (beach).

Steve Ford (Willis) is a disgraced cop turned private investigator who is trying to make ends meet taking on any ridiculous job. His range of work spans from making his protege John (Thomas Middleditch) survey an ashamed sex addict to tracking down an aspiring, obscene Banksy enthusiast that has been tagging a crooked real estate agent's property. He seems to also lack maturity since he is considers nude skateboarding an acceptable escape method, but makes up for that by taking care of the down and out Dave (John Goodman) and his sister's family as her husband is off somewhere trying to find himself. As long as he can watch his niece's dog during the day, everything is fine.

Needless to say, when his sister's place is ransacked by a couple of addicts who fence the gains and dog to their dealer Spider (Jason Mamoa), Steve's life will go out of control. Spider seems cool, perhaps too cool because his girlfriend had the nerve to decide to run off with the dog and a case of his cocaine. It appears everybody needs to get their lives in order and it is up to Steve to do it. This is the only way to get the pooch back and leave Venice a place with some sensibility.

"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is amusing until you stop and think about it. The story ends up working out, but is a mess until the third act. You are impressed that all the loose events resolve rather smoothly, but aside from some fun performances, you spend the first two acts getting fed up with the wacky scenarios that are constantly introduced and yearn for a cohesive story.

The movie starts with misdirecting you into thinking that Middleditch will be your lead. Having been given nothing to do, he is virtually replaced by Goodman. Willis is fun, but it is John McClane as the cocky hero the entire film who is unaffected by any situation's levity. As for the rest of the performances, you may get a good scene from an actor, but the ridiculous set up for what are primarily cameos is migraine inducing.

Mark Cullen's directing ability is not any more adequate than his and his brothers writing. He seems to think that Kevin Smith's method of filming comedy can apply to action, hence there is none. You are surprised that they even took the time to allow for gun play because it cannot be framed by this talent.

I could not find out the budget of this film, but I am thinking that it all went to get Bruce Willis since these are also the writers of "Cop Out." That film left us with a Willis and Kevin Smith Feud. "Cop Out" only has one subplot. You are telling me that Willis wanted his character to be drawn and quartered across that film, and that is the he hated filming that was because Smith said no.

"Once Upon a Time in Venice" is funny but it is not a movie. It is a series of "Saturday Night Live" sketches at best. The problem with that is the Cullen Brothers fail to realize that show requires all new characters for each sketch. Venice Beach is not "Dante's Inferno," and if Willis is not required to show more emotion than he offered in "The Expendables" you have dog poo without any poo jokes.

teaser-trailer.com/

Student vs Influencer vs Haikus - Regret about Wregrets

I was able to make the most of a 13-hour work day. Or on Saturday, I just did not have much to say. Having hotel guests who seemed wise enough not to spread their seed over 20 years helped. An athletic event with only one demographic of participants, you cannot beat that in hospitality. Here's to the NCAA Men's Gymnastics Championship, undoubtedly the biggest draw in the whole of Central Illinois when it comes to men wearing tights. Good thing the Shield finale was on Sunday.

The best thing about it, from a writer's perspective, I got a blog out that let me actually express what was on my mind and now I have the time to go and take on an analytical topic that will take up a lot of page space. Sadly, because of the need to go to WWE.com to access their network, I cannot take on what I really want to analyze, the WWE Hall of Fame Legacy Wing, because the firewall deemed the site to be a streaming service.

So, ProWrestlingTees.com, do not get to ambitious and stay a t-shirt company. How will I take advantage of your sales that fall on slow weekends?

Truthfully, the problem with slow weekends is my difficulty to come up with a great introduction. I already expressed all of my thoughts the previous day. Getting to the point just lacks a personal touch. Again, there may not be much personality to get personable if I cannot make it last two days.

I guess I cannot be an Influencer like "Wrestling With Wregret's" Brian Zane.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

ideas.lego.com

Schrodinger's Cat: Rationalizations of an Existentialist (Part 2: Sub-Subtext Device)

I was bashing my head against my desk at the day job (don't worry, the manager whose office was across from my cubicle took the day off) trying to come up with an opening to the meat of this two part blog. The best I could come up with was an attempt to attach the irony (at least in an Alanis Morrissete sense) of not having the cellular data to use Spotify for some ironic industrial rock (namely Angelspit's "Cubicle") to something, anything that seemed to be a sensible transition from the abandonment discussed previously.

Some how this blog feels like a victory learning that all I needed was to come up with the sub-sub (sub-sub-sub-sub...sub-subtext device) title to inspire the direction. Originally it was going to be "If I'm the Cat." Despite the cuteness in the my intended blog title, I'm sure that we can get back to a lighthearted attempt at my emotionally dire strait.

Oh for some money for nothing and chicks to redistribute it to. Some one has to make some money from the whimsical concept of a rock n' roll lifestyle or more people will need to be liquidated beyond those who have reality shows on E! and TLC.

I am not coming up with any other music references, so my Penn Jillette homage has lost its fuel, along with my optimism.

Or has it, I seem to be looking on the bright side of every misstep in this writing. Too bad it is going to result in a horrid blog and "Cat: Part 3." There we are, back to my dissatisfaction.

Rationalization 3: Creativity is not intelligence.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

 

 Schrodinger's Cat - AllPosters

 

Green Jelly without Rambo

WretchFest 2015

Current mood: busy

The first thing my Creative Writing instructor wanted us to write. Here we go.

The Three Lil Pigs

Eighteen years. The age that Ma and Pa Pork kick their kids out of the pen. Eighteen years, or was it 18 months, or dare I say weeks. The point is that Mom's nipples are sore, dad is having a midlife crisis about his fate.

Bacon, ham, pork chops, hopefully a seed giver. No matter Dad's fate, the folks have too much on their mind to deal with sharing space with the offspring.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Eastern Promises, A Canadian Exploration of London's Russian Mafia Starring an Australian

Well, it is 2009, so this fall should be our biannual appearance by director David Cronenberg. Unfortunately, the 66 year-old is passing up on a chance to further build his resume by possibly withdrawing from public light for too long. Perhaps, he considers himself to be too fringe or he is just waiting for his "Lifetime Achievement" Oscar, but I really would like to hear his name more frequently in the general discussion of film.

As for directorial style, he maybe over appreciated by some, but for daringness, no one has taken more chances. With the rise of Viggo Mortensen marketability, some would say his last two films may have held something back in challenging subject matter, but on the other hand those who just naturally seemed turned off by titles like The Fly, Shivers, Naked Lunch, etc. the opportunity to give his talents a chance. I have yet to see A History of Violence, but if it is as good Eastern Promises, David Cronenberg seemly has a grand and new vision of what gangster cinema should be like.

A 14 year-old Russian dies during birth in a London hospital. Hoping to find the girls family to avoid putting the child in foster care, the half Russian midwife, Anna (Naomi Watts of I Heart Huckabees, Mulholland Dr., Tank Girl), wants to translate the diary she found among the girl's personal effects. Not wanting to deal with her racist Russian uncle, he decides to approach a Russian restaurant owner to translate it. Soon he and the shady chauffeur, Nikolai (Viggo Mortensen of The Lord of the Rings, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre III) seem overly interested in her activities, but for the child's sake, Anna will try to weather the storm of criminal innuendo no matter the cost.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Dance of the Dead: For those who thought "Return of the Living Dead" was too cheesy

Those Red Box DVD kiosks outside grocery stores and truck stops have to do better when describing their offerings. I cannot remember them mentioning that Ghost House Underground’s "Dance of the Dead" was a comedy, and with so many clever gimmick zombie flicks dropping the ball in terms of capitalizing on the humor of the walking dead (on a plane, in a prison, in a mall circa 2004, etc.), it is important to tell potential viewers that someone has released a refined version of the original "Return of the Living Dead". No, Dance does not have the neon red pubic hair of the cult classic, but it makes up for that by doing everything else the RotLD better.

It seems like it should be common sense not to build a nuclear power plant next to a cemetery, but in a predominantly white community where the son of the police chief is an aspiring backyard wrestler, this idea’s downside can be overlooked. The cemetery’s custodian has been able to keep the reanimated corpse problem under wraps, but one night the high school’s science fiction club just has to give their P.K.E. meter a try, and the recently departed decide that they have to take some kind of action against these meddling kids.

Not content with just terrorizing the geeks, and unable to ignore their hunger, the undead decide to treat the town as a buffet, and the local high school’s prom is the dessert table. Now it is up to a slacker, a cheerleader, the class vice president, the yarder and the nerds to take their town back, and prevent too many memorial pages from taking up space in the yearbook.

Dance of the Dead is a pretty down to Earth zombie feature. The story is very linear, so no one will get lost, and the characters are of the same archetypes that the audience cheered for in the John Hughes and "American Pie" eras of high school comedies. Nothing about the movie is very foreign or intellectually deep, and comes across as more of a PG-13 comic book movie than a horror film. Thankfully, the messiness that comes along with zombies prevents the film from taking itself too seriously and more importantly tiresome.

There is not much depth to the characters, and since this film is not trying to present a message about society (I think we have all grown past the nuclear scare nonsense that Mr. Burns is the mascot for), there does not need to be. If there was, this film would drag along and forget about the necessities of a zombie comedy. A gut-busting scene that is too intense for R rated zombie dramas, heroes who have fun dispatching the flesh eaters, gore that is reminiscent to the 80's movies, and hot zombie-on-zombie action. If there is any problem with the story, it is that the characters seem callous at times because they do not take much time to mourn, but that would waste time in a 95 minute film that is determined to never slow down.

Dance of the Dead is one of those great scripts that just needed to be shot. As long as the effort put behind the gore and the actors just care enough, it should be entertaining. Perhaps if it had a great director and budget behind it, it would have the potential to be as fun as "Zombieland", but then it may have also lost the charm of being an excellent B-Movie in an overly A-Movie world.

hellhorror.com

Schrodinger's Cat Returns - And It Sounds Like the Dread Pirate Roberts

https://www.rockpapercynic.com/

I think that, with the focus on the world outside myself the past three entries, I may have lost track of who I am a bit. It is a scary thought. This blog might be my best friend. MainEventoftheDead.com is the only thing that wants to listen to me and know who I really am.

My plans on moving on from Champaign before middle age hits may stem from writing something that I intend on being read. Before I moved out to the CU, writing was strictly practice, journals for the most part. There were my Schrodinger's Cat blogs about whether or not I truly existed, but Peoria was the box.

They do not write about the cat scratching the shit out of the sides the box and the inevitable hissy fits. I guess the scientists did not account for sounds when they discuss the hypothetical contraption. Or they knew that if it fits, it sits, a universal fact that was known before the memes.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Schrodinger's Cat: Rationalizations of an Existentialist (Part 1: Sharing)

I hate to be part of the statistics, but as far as I can tell the first week of the New Year is the most depressing. At least for 2014, and I at least earned it.

The year of "our" lord two-thousand fourteen (can't we switch to star dates...as a "Star Wars" fan, I hate to suggest it, but SCIENCE) was kicked off by one of my best friends of the past couple of years cutting off the only way to interact with them (Facebook since they moved six hours away). To her credit, it wasn't because they seemingly wrote me off for standing by my liberal stances, but that I brought potential shame to them. I hope they do not think I have written them off because I won't follow them on Twitter as a compromise.

Rationalization 1: Twitter is for followers, not friends.

Twitter should be about promoting yourself (@xxxRiley does a great job of that). It is not for people you necessarily know, but you find interesting. Maybe they are your friends, maybe not, but you get an insight into what they are thinking, to understand them...or buy their shit. Once Twitter started showing you every tweet "@" said person, the feed is impossible to dredge through (in my opinion).

I also liked Twitter more when it was just about the 140 characters. Once people started retweeting stuff about people I do not give a damn about, that may as well be sharing. Sharing offensive political memes from people who are one of the following:

• Too lazy to make the opinion their own.
• Too brainwashed to think about what they are posting.
• Too scared that they cannot get attention unless they put a loud picture on their page.

Warning: My next blog (following the Schodinger series) be about my anti-offensive meme tweets. If you post an uncaring meme on Facebook, I'll have the blog to share in your comments section. I just want you to think about what you said. It is not personal...unless your a right wing Facebook mole.

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

Can Michael Bay Desecrate Everything We Love?

Current mood:  sad

The new "Friday the 13th", a film with potential because it immediately gives us the seven footer, but what exactly is this flick? A reinvention? An homage? Or messed up? With the involvement of Michael Bay, I lean towards the latter.

I won't get into a "Transformers" debate, and I liked "The Rock" despite it was overblown in every shot, but realize that Bay broke all of my motion picture standards.

These are:

• There is no such thing as a bad Ewan McGregor film ("Star Wars 2" is on Mannequin Skywalker),
• There are no bad Scarlett Johansson movies (I'll stand by any cat friendly comic book hero film),
• And Steve Buscemi cannot be featured is a garbage flick ("Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within had no Chocobos").

In the name of "awesomeness,"" The Island" screwed cinema up forever.

Just think back to the "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake which I thought was utter crap. It had potential...hold on...no it didn't. Since gore was the justification of the original's sequels, we knew what the classic relative bloodless classic could have been. The remake was 90 minutes that I have to force myself not to regret viewing it because their was nothing emotional behind the violence.

Fortunately, this film gave me the knowledge that R. Lee Ermey, sadly, isn't a guy who can star, so I knew I could skip "The Beginning".

 

Read the rest of this blog and other stories at Main Event of the Dead.com and determine if this thought process can be translated into a B-movie comedy about pro-wrestling zombies.

 

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Botched: How Archaeology Movies Should Be

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Kit Ryan’s "Botched" is the Indiana Jones of horror movies. Maybe not in terms of budget, but never taking itself too seriously and ridiculous misadventures makes it a lot more entertaining than Brendan Frasier or Nicolas Cage’s attempts to play Harrison Ford’s treasure hunter.

Wanting to pay of his family’s debt, Ritchie (Stephen Dorff) returns to his mother’s homeland of Russia to steal a cross that belongs to the descendants of Czar Ivan: The Terrible. When the building’s security becomes aware of the robbery, the lift is stopped on the thirteenth floor, trapping Ritchie and anyone unlucky enough to end up in the elevator. One of the “hostages” is decapitated by a huge set of scissors and the floor’s features artwork that would make Leatherface proud leads Ritchie to the realization that everyone has become the targets of the blood thirst of Ivan’s most recent set of grandchildren.

Botched is a great comedy in the tradition of “slashstick” classics like Sam Raimi’s "Army of Darkness" and Peter Jackson’s "Dead Alive". The graphic violence exists to please fans of it, but it is never shocking and cannot be considered disturbing. To make it even more enjoyable, there is no CG mixed with the effects, so it seems more visceral. And like "Dead Alive", the human leftovers become great comedic props as the film progresses.

When the robbery and ancient artifacts are added to the gory mix, the film is given a quest like feel. This is amazing since this film follows the best rule of horror settings; keep the action limited to a limited space. Beyond the exposition and resolution, the film is limited to hall ways and small rooms, so the killers do not have to look too hard to find their prey, but the prey can use the space to trap their hunters.

Since the film is obviously limited to a sound stage, it has B-Movie charm with A-Movie qualities. Dorff plays the protagonist as someone who prides himself on being cool, collective, but most importantly selfish. This is a job to him, he does not want anyone to die, but he does not want to fail in his mission. Unlike Frasier in The Mummy or Cage in National Treasure, he accepts the fact he is just a thief. With Dorff’s natural coolness, the audience relates to him and hope he ends up with the girl, but they know that is not the point of the film.

Most importantly, the film features no moments where it takes itself seriously. It wants the audience to cheer the humor and the gore, and that is all. Movies like the Jones knock offs have their sappy moments to pull at the heart strings while this one does not take any short cuts in its literal heart-grabbing action.

"Botched" works on so many levels that anyone should find a reason to enjoy it. Get pass the gore and accept that it is there for a punch line, and is definitely worth anyone’s time. And because we all liked him in the original "Blade", we should feel obligated to give any Dorff film that’s title has more than three characters in it title a chance.

90-Minute Netflix: Hotel Artemis for Dogs

If only Myspace could be viewed in its original beauty. It would allow me to see how prolific I was in blogging when the dancers at Big Al's declared me the most intellectual man in Peoria.

Do I miss 2007 to 2009? It was a time of contentment, and being comfortable is not something that I seem to deal with well. The difference between now and then is that I was not worried about the future. Guess it could just be hope was prevalent. Surely if I take the occasional bump and just throw movie, trucker or college kid critique on the Internet, success and security was destined.

Lose the girlfriend by being the post-modern strip club Socrates (Chris Rock's "No Sex" is advise for for first-time visitors), your income is halved because of a truck stop scammers catch you working a double shift, best friend moves out and you move home to constant Fox News broadcasts and a mother who was already missing W, all hope would seem to be lost. Thank the gods for cats or the time between then and now would be a wash. Unfortunately for me, I kind of have their attitude, so needless to say, it would be a while till much got done to correct myself. Smartphones did not help matters.

Why open up the laptop when you can pull up the information on your phone? Needless to say, little time was spent on Internet browsers that encouraged me writing during downtime. Well, blogging was gone, but I did keep up writing movie reviews. The problem is not knowing anyone who would want to take the time after putting eight hours in at a call center to transcribe them.

And then you end up at the iHotel where the employees who were there from day one to hear "If Mr. Fox sees you using downtime to write or study, you would be fired." No bumps and no ranting. It almost makes not realizing that they had given you two weeks of vacation time a fair exchange to take a less stressful hotel job.

The lesson here is not to think about your past when you already nailed down your movie review's blog title. You are left with only having, "that hotel may have been stressful, but not as much as the one Jodie Foster was manning," as your "smooth" transition to one of 2018's attempt to capture Quentin Tarantino's too hip vibe, "Hotel Artemis."

Hotel Artemis

Two brothers' bank heist is hindered by no one knowing how to break into or open the safe. With the water riots consuming Los Angeles, the rich are just trying to make sure their ill-begotten goods are secure. This leads the brothers to decide to settle on whatever goods disgruntled errand runners are willing to part with, including a fountain pen full of canary diamonds that the younger brother decides to take with him despite the warning of its courier.

It must have been cursed because upon leaving, the riot cops find that they are a better target to engage leaving one member of the crew dead and the other three suffering from wounds, the little brother critically. Fortunately, despite having been retired, the elder brother has kept up his membership dues with the Hotel Artemis, LA's premiere criminal emergency room, so they should be able to get fixed up and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Now Waikiki and Honolulu upon checking in, Waikiki finds out there may be too many variables to survive the night. His ex-flame Nice, the premier hitwomen in the world, is obviously on a job, but we do not know the target. It is never good to have a coked up arms dealer with a never sunny disposition around, and the son of the Wolfking of Los Angeles is locking the place down to ensure that his wounded dad will not be turned away.

Everest is a beefed up health care professional and guardian whose talents operates both ways, but if the Wolfking finds out Honolulu has his diamonds, the no weapon policy may not be enough to allow any of the nurse's patients to get out alive. The nurse is also trying to save the life of a cop does not help matters. All the house rules will be broken, but that is what was bound to happen when you only care for rule breakers.

With a list of real tag team and women's champions already documented, perhaps trying to find the "Reservoir Dogs" knock off each year should be my next project. I will have to get around to "Bad Times at the El Royale" but until then, Drew Pearce's directorial debut "Hotel Artemis" gets to at least claim firsties for the title.

Pearce's feature either had actors who did not want to have fun or a script that was too focused on mechanics to keep most viewers' interest. He had written "Iron Man 3" and "Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation." Both movies are enjoyable, but the construction of the stories are off compared to their predecessors. When we get to the action sequences, it is hard to know what we should be focused on and the ending leaves us with a lot of questions to what actually happened in the climax. The credits end with an invitation to return to the Hotel and a thanks for staying, but I would need extra honors point to inspire me to need those answers.

If the actors were given some witty dialogue along the way, perhaps be allowed to improvise, this would be a rewarding watch. Unfortunately, it is too involved moving the film forward (Batista, Jodie Foster and Jeff Goldblum might be too much for an hour and a half), we do not get it. Definitely a waste of a fine cast with an exception to Charlie Day who is playing his "Always Sunny" character without any meme-able lines.

I told my girlfriend about "Hotel Artemis" being another attempt to capture Tarantino's major film debut, and she responded with "why can't they let Reservoir Dogs just be Reservoir Dogs?" A proper response would be, "at least it was not a remake," but Tarantino has made us want action movies about archetypes. As long as there is that want, we are going to keep getting repackaged versions.

"Hotel Artemis" wants to have a clever story, but fails to realize that everything needs to be clever to be something we could picture Harvey Keitel in. Otherwise, release it straight to DVD the same week as "Guardians" and give Batista top bill. There is a lesson in profit.

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