I
do fear my satire is falling to the wayside by doing this movie catch
up. It makes me reminisce of my second trip through Illinois Central
College. Give me due dates, and I will deliver something to be defanged
by the competent editor. My righteous butt appreciated the awareness
during the second half of my time at ICC's newspaper, The Harbinger, but
it was fun putting the reputation of the paper on the line with
pro-steroid pieces.
Steroids, that is probably a good spot to stop tonight. Dolph Ludgren,
Michael Jai White, Danny Trejo; these are all stars in the journal. The
only other thing on my mind is how The Wrestling Compadres may
have managed to prevent me from cancelling them for another month.
Praise the "Tom Magee" documentary on the WWE Network while bad mouthing
me for not wanting to watch a booking turd like "Money in the Bank"
inspires to me to want to engage in their tit for tat, despite the
number of times I have been edited for their own su-su-su-su-spect
devices. Thrice, pro-feminism views had been cut.
All these movie reviews I am teasing have wrestling parallels, so I
should stick to the transition, but when I think about all the times I
have been edited, it makes me wonder if I should just try to podcast. My
stuff looks good written, but how does it work for the audiophiles?
Anchor (thanks for the tip Spotify) says it is easier than ever to find
out.
Podcasting does seem to be about talking in circles, so my writing
should be fine. At least I know it is better than that in..."Armed
Response," the WWE film where I regret giving Seth Rollins 90 minutes to
shine a turd, hence why I will not let his A.J. Styles's match inspire
me to watch twice the poor writing to get to.
Armed Response: Working the Broom the Match
When WWE says they want to attach you to a film, you will not get to offer a negative response. From a certain legitimate podcast ("The Art of Wrestling: Thanksgiving 2014"), it seems that you just say, "Thanks for the time off." Pretend that making a film is like the TV format, celebrate the lack of bumps and hope you do not have to do the favor for Anne Heche. Insist that the sentient, telepathic prison scores the fall. This is the Gene Simmons produced "Armed Response."
Still recovering from letting go of his daughter's bike too soon during a
lesson adjacent a highway, Gabriel (TV's Dave Annable) is called back
to action by his former army comrades Isaac (Wesley Snipes) and Riley
(Anne Heche) to investigate why they lost contact with a high tech black
ops prison called a Temple. The crew that was facilitating this were
also brothers-in-arms that they served with in Afghanistan. Since
Gabriel designed this complex, he is obligated to find some answers.
Can we get a movie where the site is not full of mangled corpes? These
mysterious events probably happen all the time, but it is usually a
router problem. Hence, we do not hear about it, so we can not presume
any other movie cliches.
Temples are an over-sized interrogation system that can measure body
chemistry to determine the correct answers of its prisoners. The goal is
to avoid the need for torture. But everyone wants to torture someone,
and it seems that is no different when it comes to the Temple itself.
Everyone in the Temple have their sins, and this house of truth will
administer punishment, technology, physics, and chemistry be damned. If
you break laws, so will it.
Viewing "Armed Response" was not that painful for me. I was watching
this flick hoping it would allow fellow Danny Daniels disciple Seth
Rollins a retirement plan, so focus was skewed. Upon reviewing my
memories, this is the worst WWE Studios's film to date (at least when
featuring WWE talent).
Director John Stockwell had a hell of a 2016. "Countdown" was a great
B-movie and "Kickboxer: Vengeance" was better than the original Van
Damme film. I suppose WWE thought he was talented enough to make a flick
with nothing but past their prime stars and an empty building. This
film shows that he is not the Soska Twins (check out my "See No Evil 2" review).
And
this incomprehensible script further pisses me off since I cannot get
anyone to request a treatment of "Main Event of the Dead." Feel free to
email me at russthebus07@gmail.com.
It is called an Intellectual Property. You must have intelligence in
your story to earn that distinction. If you do not, you make anyone who
lacks tax issues dumber for working on this. No wonder Rollins said yes
to Shield reunions instead of taking his ball and running to off to
another promotion.
The next worse WWE flick is the Soskas's "Vendetta", but it is light
years better than this. It was Dean Cain versus the Big Show. That film
gave us something to care about. "Armed Response" is a ghost story
without any ghosts. Ghost are supernatural. Computers are not.
Annable is not a star, so it is nothing versus nothing. Snipes and
Rollins are the undercard, so there is nobody who can get you invested
in this flick. Maybe if the film explained how parallel prison walls can
rip limbs from someone, disbelief can be blissfully suspended.
The WWE producers of "Armed Response" should be sued for defaming
Stamford's name. If a story makes less sense than Doctor Chris Amann's
lawsuit against the Second City Saints, it should not have been green
lit regardless of what an idiot from Kiss says.
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