90-Minute Netflix: THE Transformers: THE Movie and THE Dawn of Nintendo

As I have just paid a typical hotel price for a bag of Cheetos, it seems appropriate to focus on writing a movie review. Here's hoping it keeps me from completing the $4 junk food transaction.

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And speaking of junk...that would be the easiest transition to write about "The Transformers: The Movie." I think that one is too harsh, but when you consider the voice acting decisions, you cannot deny the rubbish that is present in this film beyond the junk planet that the feature provides. But when you use a transition like that, it improperly frames the review.

"The Transformers: The Movie" is too dark to dismiss and how far it missed the mark to simply end it with hoping these toys were made of number 1 or 2 plastic so we can perhaps recycle the legacy.

In 2005, the evil Decepticons had successfully conquered Cybertron leaving the Autobots who oppose them with Earth as their only safe haven. The lead Decepticon, Megatron, cannot resist finishing off his adversaries once and for all, and attacks the Earth base of the Autobots. Hot Rod, Autobot and babysitter to the human Danny, is able to warn the base of the attack and when Optimus Prime returns from hiding, they are able to fend off the assault. But the cost is heavy on both sides, leaving Prime to surrender the leadership Matrix to Ultra Magnus before passing away.

Conversely, Megatron is left for dead by Star Scream and the fleeing Decepticons. His death is imminent, but planet-hungry Unicron sees an opportunity. The only threat to this titan is the Matrix, so he revives the fallen leader and gives him the body of Galvatron (with the "voice" of Leonard Nimoy) and an army. In exchange for finishing off the Autobots hence destroying the Matrix, he will be allowed to reclaim the reigns of Cybertron, however long that maybe.

With their comrades being consumed by Unicron, the Autobots must figure out how to unleash the power of the Matrix to save their friends. Galvatron's stalking of them leaves them scattered across the galaxy trying to make it back to their home world. Who will show the leadership capability in this most desperate time to prevail?

Rediscovering "The Transformers: The Movie" was an attempt to capture some lost nostalgia. Aside from getting Devastator one Christmas and digging the concept of Soundwave, these guys did not usurp "The Masters of the Universe" for me. Being about to enter kindergarten, having a lot of friends would be odd, but I somehow got the vibe I was behind the times.

Being in pro-wrestling and seeing Jimmy Jacobs on every other card in the mid 2000's, we all loved his entrance music, "The Touch" by Stan Bush. You try to find anything about Stan Bush, "Transformers" is what will come up, along with Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Transformers = to JVCD, I must have missed out. Failing to grab the Blu-ray release when it was on my retailer's shelves, my destiny must have been to keep missing out. Especially when "Very Long Rate" was always the status in my dvd.netflix.com queue.

What I was missing was a realization that toy lines for the sake of toy lines died with this film. I was probably begging my parents for a Sega Master to fill this subconscious void.

A constant Blockbuster rental by my little brother was "G.I. Joe: The Movie." In that film, a non-Channing Tatum portrayed Duke falls into a coma after having his heart impaled by a spear with the diameter of an adolescent python. The reason behind his diagnosis was, kids were to traumatized by the death of Prime in "Transformers." It must have only been the death scene, because they must have ignored the Decepticons finally showing accuracy with their blasters as they annihilated the original Autobot line.

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"The Transformers: The Movie" was an overly ambitious effort by Hasbro to sell a new line of toys. If the kids cannot watch Jazz do his stereotype thing, surely they'll buy the new toys by default.

If that was not ambitious enough, they decided to get clever with the voice casting. A mistake first of all because there are edits that blatantly tell you they were going to divide this into four TV episodes at some point. Second of all, you knew back then that Judd Nelson, Robert Stack and Nimoy were not going to stick around for syndication. And finally, the robotic voice distortion of the topped bill voice actors makes it so you cannot really pick up on who is cashing in. If Orson Welles does not sound like Orson, why would you pay him?

The animation at least makes the film interesting. It is a nice middle ground between anime and Canadian made for TV, but the lack of narrative and character building makes getting loss in six episodes of "Robotech" a more interesting evening. Soundtrack wise, Lin-Mei has met her match with Lion and Weird Al, but the constant repetition of the limited album does not keep your attention.

If anything "The Transformers: The Movie" is a case for why you need at least one generation backwards compatibility. I still search for old video games, and for a screenwriter to tell me that is dumb as a 38 year-old, I am at least experienced enough to tell them off cleverly. If he was too smash a copy of "Panzer Dragoon Saga" in front of me, I would smash his face.

Six year-old me would probably be devastated if you killed my hero before my eyes, like they did in this film. Then again, I saw this in theaters, and I left feeling okay. Guess it shows the inability to keep my attention. If only Hot Rod was voice by Roddy Piper.