When you go to see a B-Movie, you have to bring friends with you. One of
those friends has to be relatively inexpensive alcohol, and the others
have to at one point in time had a pulse.
I'd say the friends have to be alive, but when the modern B-Movie line
up has to have at least one zombie flick, it would be inappropriate to
deny them entrance. Actually, it might be educational that way. It would
show the living dead what would happen to them if the messed with us.
Of course, there is the problem of letting the patrons carry weapons into a theater, but come on. When it comes to the Peoria Theater, we are all adults there. Drunk, immature adults.
When I viewed "Mil Mascaras vs. The Aztec Mummy",
I had left my emergency flask of Johnny Walker Black at home, and my
only friend was my infamous notebook (that being the opinion of the
independent pro-wrestling scene). Fortunately, the little book was an
awesome wing man, drawing the attention of the other patrons. They
wanted the critic's opinion infused with their viewing experience, so I
was quickly accepted into their family. Thus I was ready to survive "Song of the Dead".
At bars, it is easy to feel alone in a crowded room, but at the Peoria Theater,
that is not the case. It is like the voice in your head can interact
with everybody. I believe the next "B-Movie Horror Film Series" will be
August 28, 2009, and you are more than welcome, and thoroughly
encouraged to check it out.
Mil Mascaras vs. The Aztec Mummy
Director: Jeff Burr
Co-director: Chip Gubera
A black sheriff?
If only Mel Brooks was the director of this film. Could you imagine a
Mexican wrestling A-List movie, and the corresponding Broadway musical.
As for Willard E. Pugh, the former mayor of Detroit ("RoboCop 2"),
I guess if you want to serve the public, you got to go where the jobs
are. Even if the job is the Police Chief of the Mexico City Police
Department, one cannot be too picky.
In a world where everything takes a back seat to wrestling championships
and trippy photo shoots, The Aztec Mummy has risen. And with the Jewel
of Tanawa, he can control the minds of the most influential people in
the world.
The only one who can save the world is the brilliant scientist,
ambassador of international goodwill, and most importantly, the
wrestling legend Mil Mascaras, The Man of a Thousand Masks. Mil's
immunity to the effects of the jewel and bastardized use of the Hyrule's
Triforce, the Mummy will pull out all the stops to defeat the
descendant of the family who put him to rest centuries ago. Our hero
will have to face off with blood thirsty Aztec servants, possessed
opponents, and lousy Harley Race commentary to save the world.
Can Mil Mascaras overcome the demonic threat to the world, find true
love, and the secrets to his mask? Or will the USA go and nuke their
southern neighbors before the Mummy can come to power?
Personally, I'm a Cuba Gooding Jr. fan, but if Pugh's attempt to be the
stereotypical black guy were not poor enough, it seems like he asks
himself "WWCubaD."
As for Mil's performance, I was pumped to find out that he speaks nearly
fluent English (thank you WWE Classics of Demand), but unfortunately
his ADR is pathetic. Still no one can complain about the film's
wrestling and the luchador performances. Blue Demon Jr. just knows how
to rock the cape.
The movie does offer some clever dialogue:
The only bride you'll have is my fist, and I'm afraid it'll be a painful consummation.
Okay, outside of the Aztec Mummy need for a bride with a Zelda tramp
stamp (birthmark...right), the rest of the script is too funny in that
proper B-Movie way.
Poisoning you. Now I have something else to charge this Mummy with.
The good guys just have to be super idealistic. Yes, it would be better
for society if we could bring all criminals to justice, but he's a
freaking mummy with the mobility of Jabba the Hutt's head droid.
Give the Mummy credit for his wrestling ability, but I respect almost
anyone who owns wrestling boots outside of Central Illinois. He is
portrayed by Jeffrey Uhlmann, who also acts as the robot who saves our
heroes to set up for the movie's epic climax.
They try to throw everything into this movie. Fiftyesque robots, twin
vampire lesbians, nukes, decapitations, and every possible transitional
scene you could think of. Thus the need for extra booze was needed.
The film drags because it had to have everything. Each scene offers some
B-Movie glee since they went there, but you are immediately pleading
for them to get to the next scene.
You need to watch Mil Mascaras vs. The Aztec Mummy with a wise audience to enjoy it fully. Otherwise, Mil v. Mummy can
be a strenuous ordeal. If you love B-Movies, this flick delivers. Just
make sure that you come to this one prepared, or you risk possible brain
trauma.
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Song of the Dead
Directed and Written by Chip Gubera
There are a lot of great Zombie movie ideas, so they should all be put on film (like "Main Event of the Dead", my pro-wrestling comedy, feel free to ask for a treatment by e-mailing russthebus07@gmail.com).
Video just doesn't do the deceased justice. Then again, if a wig on
grass is suppose to represent a smashed head, and you have are trying to
use Lucas swipes and De Palma split screens, you do have to give some
thought to my previous declaration.
In this must expose your breasts for a young female lead role (be it
living or undead) that does everything it can not to piss off George A.
Romero, the President of the USA (Reggie Bannister of the "Phantasm" franchise)
along with his red, white, and blue sequenced sports coat had the sad
job of informing us of the latest Islamic Extremist attack on America.
Terrorist had mixed the Jihad Reanimation Virus (or JRV) into a mosquito
pesticide. The result, USAF has sprayed our great country with the
Zombie Apocalypse's catalyst.
Surprisingly, the rural communities are hit hardest because so many
unknown bodies are buried out there (Thank you Ted Bundy). The story
follows Sandy, her Gun-Ho brother and father, her mentally unstable yet
extremely fashionable boyfriend Brad, and the mysterious Arthur whose
hobby gives him knowledge of 20 more zombie terrorist that may attack.
These survivors are trapped at their summer home outside of Kansas City,
and they came to their last stand with a soundtrack and jazz hands.
It is hard to be happy with a Zombie, Musical, Comedy that only has one
tribute to thriller. That is what the audience seemingly came to see
besides for gore and boobies. As the flick is played, the audience is
trying to figure out how to make can a better version of this.
Oh for the days of Super 8, the format you couldn't immediately mass produce. This is not "Evil Dead", so this movie would not exist in a simpler time.
So immediately, you have to appreciate Song of the Dead,
for all of its thriftiness. The Air Force uniform with only a flag on
the left shoulder, the BB gun that the actor has to be the folly artist
for, and the chainsaw they chose to ignore budgeting gas for, etc.,
leaves the audience respecting the nerve of the "filmmaker" to try to
get away with this zombie flick.
"You could totally see that one zombie cop a feel off the topless zombie chick."
"He didn't get paid for this, so let him have that at the very least."
I don't know how this movie can technically be called a comedy beyond
the laughs the budget restrictions create. The musical numbers are
suppose to be for laughs, but the songs are very hit and miss. The
audience is left having a ball laughing at the fact that they are
singing and dancing, not the lyrics.
The only thing that is very funny about the film is the relationship between Sandy [Kate Gorman (not the Kate Gorman)]
and Brad (Travis Hierholzer). There was actually time spent on making
these characters play off each other very well, and to make sure that
there was something funny about every dialogue exchange between them.
Kate Gorman is a ham, but this is a B-Movie musical, so I cannot say
that is a negative thing. All of the actors with the exception of the
Sandy's brother (Steve Williams who has no clue about the concept of
acting) give everything they have to make this film a B-Movie gem.
I don't want to say their efforts are wasted (especially by Conrad Gubera who played Sandy's father), but Song of the Dead is
just a cheap film, not a B-Movie. It is disappointing to see so much
heart misused, especially when it is not splattered across the screen.
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