See No Evil: Not Kane the Movie.

At least I could wait till 8:00 pm to start writing this blog. Too bad it took a sprinkler leak over the front desk to cause this. I suppose that's just a metaphor for my life or just the ultimate case of the Mondays (6/8/15, I imagine this blog may not be released till "Money in the Bank," so the hotel will be in tip top shape by then).

If you want a case for there being a God(s). The United Methodist Great Rivers Conference will sell the hotel out in just a few days, so he/she must be trying to wash the sin away from the atheist (and catholic) staff to make it the ideal location for the final group mentioned on the "Blazing Saddles: Vicious Criminal and Gunmen" list.

I could go into my sense of being lost, but the previous paragraph left me with a transition, dare I say direction, to get right into this week's movie review from Netflix DVD, "See No Evil" featuring WWE Superstar Kane.

Four years ago, Officer Frank Williams and his partner were called to investigate a noise disturbance at a church that was blaring the hymns too loudly. What they found was a girl who had her eyes removed and an ax wielding giant.

Williams was able to get a round off into the monster's skull, but it cost him his partner's life and his flashlight holding hand. Needles to say, this type of heroism will allow you to pick your own path in law enforcement, so he has since decided to help arrange juvenile delinquent community service programs. His latest assigns a group of coeds time to turn the dilapidated Blackwell Hotel into a shelter for the homeless.

Of course the Blackwell has quite a morbid history. The owner built the hotel as his own personal playground, so it may have been the will of God to see the penthouse floors destroyed in a fire, with him staying there, 35 years prior. Still, the privacy those floors can provide the teenagers from their supervisors and the chance of finding a lost safe presents too much temptation for the kids to stay in their bunks.

With so much sin that will return to this hotel, it is only poetic to see Williams's past return with them as he has just made reservations for his eight junior felons at Jacob Goodnights's new abode.

"See No Evil" gets it wrong from the get go. There are some Lucio Fulci films that I call total cow excrement on, but I do not feel like his pictures were ever fresh manure since I can make it to the end before sensing a whiff. You notice the stench at the beginning of the second act, and director Gregory Dark's infrequent frantic camera motions do not remedy the smell.

Sometimes, you do not know how much you despised something until you write the first paragraph about it. Sometimes, you got look back to get angry I suppose. Maybe we should never look back at all.

The film has two characters that we might care about, but in an attempt to make you more interested in the third rate story with third rate gore, one of them will not make it that far. I do not think that's a spoiler because it is still tough to care for either of them.

In my opinion, there is only one satisfactory kill which is what we watch these films for. It is a nice throwback to Fulci and Argento's better works, but the director was too afraid (or the producers to cheap) to make up for all the lackluster violence. They could have at least provided some nudity or cliches to make up for it. Emphasis on the phrase "could have."

The biggest miss is that it under utilizes Kane. Perhaps if it was made in 1997, it would have worked...better...to have the monster with a handler. Sadly, this film was made in 2006. Pardon if I lack wrestling knowledge, but I believe that was at least two years into the unmasked demon that was not afraid to speak his mind. All "See No Evil" delivers is a weak version of Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees. At least those guys were creative in their craft. Facial expressions of pain and torment are not as powerful.

Fortunately, the "See No Evil" sequel has promise with the Soska Sisters at the helm. The Twisted Twins spoke of how they would like to make a Wyatt Family origins feature, so they know that you cannot reinvent a WWE Superstar, but answer the questions behind the characters. Of course, Jacob Goodnight might be a challenge since Dan Madigan already made him lame.

Lamer than corporate Kane.

If you watch this flick, hopefully you'll acknowledge my eye for what is needed for a good horror flick. And maybe, you'll give me a chance to convince you to give my B-movie zombie/wrestling project "Main Event of the Dead" support.

The "Main Event of the Dead" Test Reel Needs:

• Someone with some makeup or special effects experience.
• The true antagonist of the feature is a woman, so an actress to set up the premise of "Main Event of the Dead."
• Three or four wrestlers to take the finishing moves.
• One or two wrestlers to deliver the moves.
• A wrestling ring with a canvas that can afford to be left a little messy. If we can get extra from the crowd-funding campaign, we'll make replacing it a priority.

Since this is an effort to try and make this feature a reality, I can really only afford to compensate what ever is spent to make this video. I am willing to negotiate terms on what compensation will be for performances before the reel goes online. If whatever raised can cover the compensation agreed to, even if I do not reach the goal to produce the film, compensation will be had.

If you need a treatment of the script for "Main Event of the Dead" please e-mail me at russthebus07@gmail.com.

 

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