We may have finally (2009) returned to the hay day of 80's horror
renting bliss with "Skeleton Crew". Indistinguishable box art (Is this
an Asian flick?), a trailer referencing horror films not even a decade
old, acknowledgement that its simple plot is a rip off of a recent film,
and Anchor Bay distributing the film takes me back to me wondering what
evil the aisle closest to the register of Morton's Village Video had to
offer.
If Starz Studios have given this aspiring gornography tribute a fraction
of what it gives to "Crash: The Series", "Skeleton Crew" may have
promise as a good film, but lets be realistic (and lets acknowledge that
this was written while I was in college, so Wikipedia was a no-no.).
For the most part, Starz does not even show its "original" (Crew is a
Finnish-Russian import.) on their networks, and it probably would not
help sway people from HBO and Showtime (I am subscribed to Starz via
Hulu right now, and this picture is not in the library.).
Maybe Starz should just show some live fights, but if "Skeleton Crew"
delivers on low-budget gore, I could care less about their network's
Nielsen Ratings (Again, this review was written in 2009). Yes, I am
greedy, like everyone who gets a movie package. 200 channels is not
enough.
Steve is trying to bring the world his low-budget horror masterpiece (If
anyone is interested, I have been developing a low-budget horror film,
"Main Event of the Dead" a pro-wrestling themed zom-com. Email
russthebus07@gmail.com if you would like to view the story treatment or
have promotion advice.). To capture the essence of this true
story, he decides to shoot at the mental institution where the grizzly
murders of the serial killings of the snuff director known as The Auteur
took place. The project is not going well.
The producer is stingy, the Finnish crew is threatening to walk off, and
the lead actress is demanding (to her credit putting in some extra
effort) to star in the sequel. There does not seem to be a way to save
the project, but after a hidden collection of the Auteur's films is
found, Steve has developed a new approach to filming the brutality. His
sanity will be the cost of this cutting-edge style. Will the crew be
able to survive this tribute to a demonic mind?
To claim there is bare bones gore in "Skeleton Crew" would be generous.
The beginner's level camera work, sub-par nudity and clueless story make
this a film that lacks guts or heart. I hope this is because they
wanted to nail the film to its title, but that would even be too clever
for this project.
Production values should not have held this title back. If this is an
homage to classic slashers, one would figure that the creative staff
would have at least listened to a Sam Raimi commentary track to know how
to do gore on the cheap. The viewers get to see gore but they are not
being treated to it. There is nothing suspenseful in how it is created.
At one point, a drill is driven into a skull, but the wound is not cool
if we do not see an entry or a reaction to the tool through the dome.
For sitting through this wretched delivery, we get to see the wound, but
if we wanted to see inanimate head trauma, we could just walk down the
Wal-Green's Halloween aisle. I do not know how big this holiday is in
Finland, but the effects leave me feeling that this film was shot around
this season.
And what is the deal with Finland? I know the Swedes put effort into
their performances and nudity (I had gone to the theater to see "The
Millennium Trilogy" that summer.). Is it because they are Scandinavia's
number four country that they can only put in a fourth place effort? You
are not even on the podium.
I have taken two years of junior college Mandarin, and because I do not
speak it fluently, I know you have to show emotion when you speak. That
way people understand how you feel so that they can then guess what my
broken tongue is spewing. If you do not get emotions right with a second
language, you are just considered an attention-starved foreigner. This
maybe the right motivation for our female lead and her relationship with
the director, but when they are not fooling around, the performance in
telegraphed in.
The only element of acting by any character in this film is that some
are caricatures of emotions. A couple of them are angry, a couple are
snooty, but range is not offered by anyone.
As for the nudity, all we get are a few butts of both gender. This is
horror for DVD, it has to be abundant to satisfy the audience (I was so
disappointed in this film, it seems I did not stick around to the
post-credit scene that joked about this. Thanks Wikipedia.). And it has
to look objectifying and good, especially from our lead actress.
This is entertainment for the lowest common denominator. Hence, if you
are going to flaunt your body around for them, it better be in shape.
The lead actress is not ugly, but she seems to have never done a push up
or squat in her life. Her butt is its own separate entity from her
torso, and her under arm fat is not in check. If this were a good
slasher flick, she would be the chick killed just before the massacre
really kicks off.
This film is based on a script that is not even worthy of being called a
Troma knock off. The writers were aware of how poorly their writing was
going, but instead of starting a new draft, they try to throw twists in
to try and cover up the holes while inadvertently creating new ones.
"Skeleton Crew" is to what IDOT is to Illinois roads.
The roads comparison is an undeserved compliment. Illinois roads were at
least built properly once. This script abandons proper story telling,
so it is like it has never been paved.
"Skeleton Crew" does nothing for the world of lousy cinema. No hot
starlets to chase, no performers to look for in future films, and gore
that is shamed by Christian Hell Houses show all directors what not to
do when making a film.
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