I cannot seem to help myself from being stretched too thin. Hence my
sleep patterns are proper shagged, and not being able to keep up on the
dirt sheets is adding to my stress. In other words, "Not feeling
attentive enough to fully appreciate the finale of "The Defenders""
would be my Facebook status if I chose to focus on that social network.
This is where I think your mind must be to revisit "Spawn", a film so
bad that IMDb decided to post a trailer for the HBO animated series on
its page instead. At least, if you are a declared film experts (by two
Illinois Central College instructors), that would be your mental state.
Then there is me, a person who skipped this one 20 years ago despite
knowing it was a financial success. That success might mean there was
something to it beyond the memorable soundtrack.
If only I had remembered that there were no good John Leguizamo movies
from the 1990's, "Spawn" would have never been in my queue.
Does "Spawn" really need a plot synopsis? The mentor character of
Cogliosta constantly explains all the events of the first two acts in
third person. Act three puts Martin Sheen in the crosshairs of Spawn,
his former top government assassin whom he sent to hell in exchange to
rule the world. If Spawn kills him, he is obligated to lead the army of
Hell against the forces of Heaven. If he does not, he will be tormented
by Leguizamo's Jim Carrey impersonation, a clown that can transform into
a giant skeleton of a gremlin. Can Spawn buck his destiny? With the
help of a reborn Crusader, a homeless kid, and his toy dog Spaz,
Armageddon may have to wait.
It feels like Michael Jae White's debut, "The Toxic Avenger 2" had
better special effects. Feels is being polite. The Toxie mask did allow
the protagonist to speak. When you have CGI, you have no reason for a
devil with less hair than Animal the Muppet not to move his mouth when
he speaks.
Especially when this balding coyote has the voice of Goro from the
"Mortal Kombat" movie. That was also a Newline Cinema film as well from
at least a year prior. If that monster turned out will, how in the hell
did this get made? Guess I will have to go dig through Paul Sheer
podcasts for that answer.
I would like to believe it was all the guaranteed money Ted Turner's WCW
was offering to WWF mid carders to warrant FX shortcomings, but the
fire effects in the "Monday Nitro" logo were more realistic than the
Sega 32X-CD flames that made up "Spawn's" Hell. Surely some corporate
synergy could have made a visually acceptable first level of damnation.
How could anyone sit through this entire film in 1997? The only
redeeming qualities are the efforts that White and Leguizamo put into
this. You cannot sell that to anyone, unless you go for the DVD market
or have White in an afro. All I can figure is that it was a PG-13 comic
book movie, so irresponsible parents dropped off their preadolescent
boys at the multiplex as they watch a few Harrison Ford delivered
F-bombs via "Air Force One". With head shots (the violent kind) and a
walking French fry as a lead, the feature the birthers got to watch
could not have been as traumatic to the youngsters who had to endure
"Spawn".
I did not see "Spawn" in the theater. If I had at 17, this review would
be just as harsh (and eloquent based on the success of my "Neon Genesis
Evangelion" fansite). This film is like watching a video game without
any cut scenes, thus we have more characters constantly explaining the
events in the film than "Highlander 2" or "Divergent: Allegiant" instead
of coherent dialogue. Mom would have received my first stream of
obscenities if she left me and my little brother at this picture that is
worse than "Freddie Got Fingered".
After all the thought I had put into this review, I have zero chill and a
new respect Coleman Francis. Never have I been more angered by a film
than I have by "Spawn". Stupidity is forgivable. Stupidity with a $60
million gross pays for an express ticket to a painful afterlife. Can an
atheist be more poignant?
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