"Underworld: Blood Wars" and R-Rated Table Reads for Kids

The original subtitle for this blog was "Maximizing the HDR but not Charles Dance." I bring up Charles Dance in the blog title having recently seen "Godzilla: King of the Monsters". Do not forget the birthday gift that your parents had gotten your significant other. There are consequences.

The original plan was to celebrate our anniversary with "John Wick 3: Parabellum" but the 4K in the living room was not enough to get her to quit pouting about the franchise even though she wanted the "puppy." So with the lack of presents as well interest, my argument that we cannot dive into the franchise without the first film fell upon deaf ears.

Enough giving into her sad faces and talk about mine. Once you invoke Eco-terrorism and give it a lead, that (Charles Dance) is the villain of your film. Until you get through this film's credits, the villain is forgotten about. It is a pretty dull flick between him escaping with the monster-control device and the last scene.

"Last Action Hero" was misguided, but Charles Dance kept it interesting. How did no one in a test audience not scream for more Royal Shakespeare Company pedigree? Especially after how "Game of Thrones" went after Tywin Lannister left.

PG-13 means live-action, kid-friendly Russ. Did you forget that? Maybe, but that is probably because I am pissed about the default PG ratings animated films now receive. Everybody poops, spits and farts MPAA. Quit trying to brain wash parents in an effort to avoid children doing that. They knew the risks.

I do not know. Perhaps, test screening the last season of "Game of Thrones" on kids could have better directed the conclusion. Aside from the brothel scene in episode 67, the boobs to dragon ratio was surprising low. The violence may have been a bit intense. My compromise, have elementary school students sit in on the table reads.

I think 50-65% of those bitching about the conclusion of "Game of Thrones" are not smarter or as patient as fifth graders. Reading to an audience like that, I would bet my left one (or any non-essential appendage or duplicate organ [just leave me with enough fingers with their matching arm to pitch] against any five-figure sum for any takers out there) they would shout bullshit when the "fans" did. Would that be any worse than when my fifth grade teacher read us all of the "Chronicles of Narnia"? At least there is no separation of church and state issues with my idea.

You would think it would be tough to get back to my latest 90-minute movie review after that rant, but I must be clairvoyant. The first word of the review I wrote in what I think was January of 2018 was...

Bookworms are tough to read as film goers.

Underworld Blood Wars:

Before my current beloved, my last girlfriend was a lost 22-year old on Seroquel-prescribed mess (the past is the past), so it was easy to keep her amused with flashy imagery. The William S. Burrough readers who left me bankrupt would find other means to distract themselves. The roommate I had a literal falling out with had little time for appreciating pop corn cinema because her boyfriend at the time embraced it while ignoring our tendency to indulge in Milla Jovovich films not directed Luc Besson.

Tuscola's finest nose being in books made it so she never kept track of gimmicky cinema, and since all of our motion picture library for the first year of our relationship had to be viewed in the common living space, it was tough to catch her up on it. Despite all of the distractions, she is amused by chicks fighting monsters. Regardless if she retains any of the plots, I am not allowed to watch any of their sequels without her.

www.pinterest.com/CloakedReaper

Thankfully, with me initially installing the 4K equipment in the bedroom, she would have to become a cinephile. There are no arts and crafts to distract her. Just the need to deal with all of her questions from the previous franchise installments that competed against yarn balls for her attention.

Fortunately, "Underworld: Blood Wars" did not inspire a refresher. The film returns to what the first film in the series promised, vampires versus werewolves. If it makes a viewer inquisitive, it is only about what they had previously seen the British actors in.

Humanity has abandoned their purge of violent "Twilight" characters. This leaves the war between vampires and lycans to focus on capturing a hybrid to dissect for the cause of securing their clan's respective future.

The only person who can lead anyone to one of the werepires is the death dealer Selene. To ensure this cannot happen, she has hidden her daughter and arranged it so she will not know the child's location. Thus, she is left wandering the Earth only to be amused by killing those dumb enough to chase her. That can get dull, so she has become nothing more than a reverent of regret hoping it will end soon.

David the vampire prince is able to track her down and tell her that she will be welcomed back into the coven to train new death dealers since the lycan threat is only growing. If one half of her pursuers can be eliminated, this may allow her to knock off the absentee mother routine. But everything in her thousand-year life has been based on a lie, so there must be a vampire or two planning her demise.

Selene will need a new trick to escape and end her foes, so the film leaves you to brainstorm. Will you guess correctly or inadvertently prepare a treatment for the sixth film?

It is a good time for fantasy with the success of "Stranger Things," and "Underworld: Blood Wars" capitalizes on the audience accepting any convoluted premise. The viewer has fun trying to out think the dungeon master/screenwriters Cory Goodman's plot and is rewarded with an amusing story advancement. There is nothing about this film that can be taken too seriously, you will catch on to that quickly and enjoy the ride.

There is nothing noteworthy about the fight sequences, but the environments and the amount of action will keep your attention. Unlike the previous films, characters who survived  are further developed (Charles Dance), so you get something they totally dismissed with Scott Speedman's character. If you were angry about that hollow love interest was left out of the previous film, you receive a quite satisfactory resolution to your complaints.

Perhaps the best aspect of this feature is that it keeps moving. No moments are taken to add weight to events. It is a "Dynasty Warriors" video game put on 35 mm. You came to see vamps and wolves bash heads. As an indie wrestling fan, I can appreciate the decision to skip story and just spreading the thumbtacks on the canvas. We do not need Stephanie McMahon showing us how she verbally loves licking her lips for 20 minutes...ever.

And that is why people immediately doubt my sophistication when I mention wrestling, regardless of the alliteration.

"Underworld: Blood Wars" is how a ridiculous 80's feature premise can still work in the 21st century. A familiar face and action is all you need. Just keep it brief (under 100 minutes) and the effects worthwhile, and you can get the audience to accept anything. This is "Cruiser Weight Classic" film making, not "205 Live".