We Are 138: "9 Dead"...We Wish

It is good to know that there are cerebral films being made that require nil in terms of special effects, gore, or action. That statement is more of a comment about the principle that we can film 90 minutes of people talking because if you do not have gore and actions, you have to present a brilliant story. Brilliance and Melissa Joan Hart are two terms that will never star in a film together. (Finding out how proud she was to be involved with "God's Not Dead 2" solidifies that as fact.)

MTV.com - 47 Reasons Salem From 'Sabrina The Teenage Witch' Is Your Spirit Animal

Nine people have been kidnapped by a rogue, taser-toting Blue Man Group member. They all regain consciousness in a windowless room, each handcuffed to a pole. The pissed off Smurf introduces them to his game and provides the rules.

The nine victims have 10 minutes to determine the reason why they have been imprisoned together. If they figure it out, they will all go free and their captor will confess his crimes to the police. Failure to determine the reason will result in one of them being killed, but they will receive another 10 minutes to find out what they have in common. This process will continue until they solve the puzzle or there are no more players left.

SPOILER ALERT: The movie clocks in at 98 minutes. If you take into account the first act and time between intervals, you know at least a couple will figure this game out. Especially when the French version is only 83 minutes long.

"Nine Dead" is definitely the most anticlimactic torture flick. Unless you want to classify it as noir (Please spare that genre.), it can only be associated with the "Saws", "Hostels" and gruesome foreign fare, at least that is how it seems to have been advertised. It fails to realize the pay offs to an execution need to be awesome or unique kills. So after one guy's squib blows up over his shirt, the film just becomes boring.

If we had dynamic characters or performances, we may root for someone's survival. Because we do not want any of them to survive, the movie drags as we wait for someone to take a round above the waist.

The story itself is way too simple and linear. Throughout the tale, characters keep asking each other to stay on track. This screenwriter, Patrick Wehe Mahoney, must not have understood "Saw", "Se7en"  or "Revenge of the Sith" because for a story like this to work, the scheme has to have a larger scale. Otherwise, you do not empathize with the villain. You wind up thinking he is just a petty asshole.

As for directing and editing, this is on par with junior college first assignments. Since Chris Shadley has been in pictures for six years, the direction is inexcusable when you are working with just one set.

"Nine Dead" shows us that despite Rob Van Dam and Dave Bautista's best efforts, Baton Rouge is not the new Hollywood of the east. Shadley's film is part of a genre that is dependent on shocking the audience, but there are no thrills to be seen. The film promised the emotional destruction of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Everyone want to see that, but thankfully, no distributor picked up this damn near criminal let down.

IMDB.com - 9 Dead

Essential Athletes and the Carnival Slide feature "Nemesis"

*Blog post started on May 20, 2020.

I think we are in dire need for sports right now. Sorry John Oliver (I have yet to watch the May 17th episode of "Last Week Tonight"). Performance art is something I deem essential because there are not enough stories about uxori/mariticide with wine-drinking accessories or armed robbery involving fruit.

Too bad Monty Python is down to three inoffensive members. You need at least four to perform an updated "How to Defend Your Against Fresh Fruit" sketch. With Carole Baskin and the NRA, it would be quite topical.

With sports, I at least have something to talk about with the guys at work. As an underemployed pro-wrestler (My gear bag is still in the trunk of my car if you need someone to do a favor.), I can handle only performing in front of my peers. No pressure from the crowd meant I could focus on just having fun and my performances were usually better. As long as you got the boys/girls from the locker room providing immediate feedback at ringside, you know what directions to take. At least AEW is showing us that.

At my current, essential job, there is a chance I can be exposed to COVID-19 by my coworkers, but as long as we are not sneezing or licking the cash and receipts, our customers are quite safe. The point is, when the risk is only applies to the staff while all conceivable precautions are taken (I can see the Cubbies wearing masks.), the performers should be allowed to perform. Provided they feel safe performing of course. I just know there are those who would be happy to.

As for my stance about the lockdown, to channel my Maynard James Keenan: Fuck your God, your lord and your haircuts. Learn to appreciate your liquor stores and iTunes.

It is way too easy to get through well organized news websites. Sorry New York Times (Having your website look like and actual newspaper does not work.). I suppose the answer to that is to just binge TV shows to provide me something to write about or really step up my movie consumption. 

The problem with TV is the episodic nature. This means to judge it fairly, I need to review each episode. Episodic programming is way too accessible now, unlike the good old days of anime fandom where I got a two episode tape a month (probably closer to weekly) and could quit buying tapes if I got bored.

A bad episode review, and I could move on to the next show. When the next episode is set to autoplay, I will think to myself, "Maybe it is just the storytelling method, so lets go another hour."

As for watching more movies, I am cursed by the fact that the established great directors and the blockbuster dependent all think there story requires more than 1 hour and 37 minutes (give or take A MINUTE). My website that is dedicated to the ideal runtime ninetyforchill.com needing content results in me having to watch films of lesser quality. Being an aspiring screenwriter/producer (If you would like a treatment of my zombie comedy about pro-wrestling "Main Event of the Dead" feel free to email russthebus07@gmail.com for a copy. Any suggestions on how to get the project out of development hell would also be appreciated.), the effort displayed to make a great film with so many obstacles is appreciated, but one can only watch so much Albert Pyun, Christopher Lambert, or less than 1980's Newline Cinema budgeted movies per week.

Despite the struggle, there is no excuse for me not to watch at least one questionable sub 100-minute feature and Amazon Prime has got the algorithm down. They offer me so much stuff that is up my alley, I really wish they would list the directors in the information about them. Fortunately, since I just bought "Iron Eagle", a Tim Thomerson film seemed appropriate. Throw in a knock off Van Damme in Olivier Gruner along side Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and I think we have a project with potential. As the credits rolled and "An Albert Pyun" film, hopes arose that 1992's "Nemesis" was going to make my week.

Nemesis

In 2027, the Los Angeles Police Department has become the most powerful investigation force along the entire Pacific Rim. Their primary concern is cyborg terrorists and their top agent, Alex Rain, has no issues dispatching them. With such unnatural enemies to deal with, Rain's efforts to defend humanity has ironically left him more and more synthetic. He develops a hate for this and decides to leave not only the crimefighting behind, but his synthetic girlfriend Jordan too.

Unfortunately, to keep on living in his cybernetic shell, dealing in questionable tech was Rain's only retirement option. His skills in the criminal field are not what they were on the other side, and he is eventually captured by the LAPD. Capture may be too harsh a word, lets use the term recruited. Jordan had decided to join the terrorists and stolen some sensitive data from them. Rain is the only person who can possibly get close to her and by installing a bomb in his heart, surely he will be up for the challenge.

Rain is fed up with everyone being unable to tell who is right and who is evil. His goal is only to find the answers and hope that he can find a reason to carry on. Punishing everyone who has wronged him would be a nice bonus.

I can see why "Nemesis" could be declared a hit and justify four sequels. The special effects and themes are intriguing enough to inspire a kid with the VHS to rewatch it multiple times to make sense of the damn near incomprehensible first act. The action of the latter two acts is laughable to the point where you will stick around this film to the end because of that.

You have to admire that the film spent so much on explosives, but for someone who opposes the second amendment in its entirety (Go bowhunting assholes.), I know that shot guns do not work like that. They are not long range weapons, so I would have had more appreciation for the gunplay if they would have painted squirt guns black.

As for the rest of the action, Olivier Gruner was an accomplished kickboxer. Let him kick stuff. The best hand-to-hand combat takes place as he and Pyun regular Thom Mathews are fighting over a gun down an obvious carnival slide. I have to admire the B-movie charm, but you have put a little too much into the special effects to try and slip this by the audience.

Bad Movie Tuesday: Nemesis

moviesfilmsandflix.com

Gruner's acting is not that bad, but if you need a stern foreigner, get Daniel Bernhardt, the original JVCD clone. His accent is less noticeable. Gruner may cry a little better and Bernhardt's latest renascence is as a silent heavy ("John Wick" and "Atomic Blonde"), but when the dialogue for the most part has little value, going for emotional seem pointless.

I cannot help but wonder if Gruner's French accent is the motivation for Brion James to go all out with a German accent. It does not come off as well as his English accent from "Tango and Cash" but it adds to the fun. Tagawa puts more effort into his Japanese accent than he did in "Showdown in Little Tokyo" so that is another plus for the film.

All the actors go for it except for Majorie Monoghan as the love interest. She seems to have motivations mixed up. Yes, the character is a robot, but to prove how close to humans they are, emotions are essential. Otherwise she comes off the same a Thomas Jane's cameo.

Despite all these short comings, the visual effects make up for it. The only time they fail is the stop motion integration of its "The Terminator" finale knock off. That sequence would overshadow the great practical effects if it was not such a blatant rip off. When you are watching a film like this, you expect to see blatant, low-effort theft. It adds to the charm, so you do not get angry.

"Nemesis" is the "Cyborg" that Albert Pyun meant to make. It has great visual effects for the most part, great sci-fi concepts, marvelous over acting, and laughable gun play. Too bad that paying attention to this feature dialogue may reduce your IQ and the plot is nothing more to warrant special effects. This feature may have fallen into the wrong hands from an artistic standpoint, but for a lazy, action starved audience, it is mana from the gods.

Ninety on Prime: "Necromancer" or Why You Must Include the Noun from the Title

Keeping yourself busy makes you realize how broke you are. At my age, you also think about how little time you have and little resources to make use of it. Fortunately, blogging is about the only plus of little support or lack of supervision, at least when you have slow nights, especially foreseen ones.

When you are busy, you tend to only focus on being busy. Thus, satire is not on the mind. But fortunately for the blog, Amazon Prime has plenty of 90-minute pictures so you can stay up late and add to the productivity of a 13-hour day. Then again, is reminding people of 80's horror movies a beneficial act?

Well after watching 1988's "Necromancer", this resurrection review might be worthwhile. I am trying to raise the dead with this rant, unlike our antagonist and title character from this flick.

Julie seems to have everything going for her. Straight A's and a scholarship, the female lead in "The Taming of the Shrew", a boyfriend in a band, and a job in the university's theater department. Sadly, the latter may be too much for her because boys will be boys.

Paul, Carl and Allan came for test answers, but after finding a provocative photo of Julie along side a love letter to the head of the department, Paul is inspired to see if she can offer up all that was promised from the note. Carl and Allan are reluctant, but the underbelly of the school runs through Paul, so they all play roles in his rape of little miss perfect.

The victim is ashamed from the attack, but cannot turn to anyone except her best friend Freda. Her boyfriend is unaware of her past partners, let alone the handsey theater professor. Paul's mother is on the board of deans, so she will lose her scholarship if she pursues legal action. Freda determines that her only option is to answer a classified ad from a woman promising vengeance.

Justice for $20, I would probably say consequences be damned. But when she starts dreaming of her attackers' deaths, Julie may be over her head. The only person who thinks they are up for stopping this trend is Ernest the Wicca Nerd. With a description like that, how will she end the trail of blood she has been cursed with?

Dusty Nelson's "Necromancer" is just not noisy enough to pay any attention to. The bare bones budget makes it seem like it is knocking off Italian horror rip offs while skimping on the gore. It moves fast enough, but aside from the premise, nothing is memorable.

Beyond the rape that would be tame for "Game of Thrones," there is not any onscreen violence until the climax. The monster that does all the killing requires a transformation, which we do not really get to see. What we get are green cat eyes and appendage covered it red caviar. I promise "Main Event of the Dead" will top this. (Drop me an email at russthebus07@gmail.com for a treatment of my Pro-Wrestling Zombie Comedy). If it was not for the nudity of lead Elizabeth Kaitan, this film would be more suited for the horror of the Hayes Code.

If MST3K had not found so many 80's horror with so little visual offense, this film could be salvaged. "Necromancer's" blessing is that it is fast-paced, so you will not get the time to be angry about it. Watching this film would be fun with some booze and friends. Sadly, I am just a couple of green streaks in my hair from being a doppelganger for the Wicca Nerd. Too close to my real life to stay in my Watch List.

forum.dead-donkey.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=10148

Wonka, A Dangerous Method...With Shoes On & The 3M Movie Marathon:

Ninety For Chill: The #Podcast with @CatBusRuss

Episode 150: Wonka, A Dangerous Method, and the Top Discovery with Shoes On

Wonka, A Dangerous Method, and the Top Discovery with Shoes On

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Help NinetyForChill: The #Podcast get away from paywalls by subscribing to "Ninety For Chill: The Podcast with CatBusRuss".

⁠Ninety For Chill⁠ is closing out 2023 with some cinematic banter from ⁠ThePoeticCritic⁠. ⁠CatBusRuss⁠ and his big sister discuss how the movie landscape has changed, be it offerings for the multiplexes or streaming services. Their primary concern: Where are the movies?

Our host is more concerned about where to stream them. With the top electronic retailer deciding to stop selling physical media, ⁠CatBus⁠ is out to grab the remaining worthwhile steelbooks. Too bad Universal/Comcast is willing to license their features to other streamers. Peacock should be enough to watch "The Super Mario Bros. Movie". He is not going to subscribe to Netflix.

Thank Viacom for keeping "⁠Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem⁠" on Paramount+. But what will happen in Paramount and WBD merge?

ThePoeticCritic is more concerned about the movie-going experience. She explains how there just does not seem to be anything to draw people in most weekends. "⁠Wonka⁠" was her grand exception to the rule, but Disney and DC movies are not bringing in the money that they use to. Taylor Swift shows that people want events to attend. Where are those grand narratives that should take screens away from the Swifties?

Despite the drama, we want to end the podcast on a positive note. At least Russ did. So he discusses his most recent binge to make sure he has all angles covered when determining the top discovery this year. The annual obligatory David Cronenberg feature is his adaptation of the play based on the book about the relationship between Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud, "⁠A Dangerous Method⁠". Was it too grounded to take the top discovery spot from "⁠X⁠" or "⁠Marcel the Shell with Shoes On⁠"?

If only a Cronenberg would direct an "Evil Dead" movie. "⁠Evil Dead Rise⁠" was excellent, but was it anything more than a reskin on "⁠Evil Dead (2013)⁠"?

And to honor past guest of the show ⁠Jonathan "A Film to Fight For" Romeo⁠, CatBus watched "⁠Saint Maud⁠" as per the suggestion from "⁠Possessive Forces vs. #Cinemastodon's Exorcists⁠". Stick around after the chat with TPC to hear our host's critique of this high-concept, A24 horror.

 

Ninety For Chill: The #Podcast with @CatBusRuss

Episode 151: 3M Movie Marathon: Men of War, Black Mask 2, Stone Cold, Batman: Death in the Family

3M Movie Marathon: Men of War, Black Mask 2, Stone Cold, Batman: Death in the Family

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

⁠Hopefully everyone has had a great start to 2024. With all the festivities, finding a guest was going to be next to impossible, so 

⁠CatBusRuss⁠ got a week off to relax. Or did he?

These festive times means most people have little time, so our host had to make up for this with an action movie binge. This will be the closest to an ⁠Illinois Central College⁠ hosted ⁠B-Fest⁠. that we think you can find. ⁠Russ⁠ wanted to clear out some of the cheap and/or hard to find DVDs from his queue. From his past two February trips up to Evanston, he thinks he has come up with a quadruple feature that would make the Northwestern programmers proud.

Not all of the flicks discussed will make the cut. If you want to learn more about Chris Jericho, stick around to the end for an "⁠Android Apocalypse⁠" review. In an attempt to get you ready for the CG chaos of "⁠Black Mask 2: City of Masks⁠", our host did revisit the 1996(9) ⁠Jet Li⁠ feature, "⁠Black Mask⁠".

The final line up of four fun-filled films is ⁠Ivan Drago⁠ vs ⁠Kano (95)⁠ in the mercenary tale, "⁠Men of War⁠", the mutant-pro-wrestling allegory, "Black Mask 2", ⁠Brian Bosworth⁠ vs. ⁠Lance Henriksen⁠ in biker porn, "⁠Stone Cold⁠", and the choose your own adventure, DC Animated Feature "⁠Batman: Death in the Family⁠". Imagine how that can turn an audience on each other.

All of the features can be found streaming (provided you want to spend $12.99 for BM2). The only way right now to watch "Stone Cold" is currently on Pluto TV via "⁠Rifftrax⁠". Here's hoping Bill, Kevin, and Mike's transfer is as good as my blu-ray.

Follow me on Twitter @catbusruss. If you want to be on the show, contact me on Twitter or send an email to russthebus07@gmail.com. All we need is a theme, movie, director, or actor and a focus on sub 100-minute material. As long as the credits start before the 1:39:59 mark on the runtime bar, the movie qualifies.